Funny

Ski equipment or cocaine? The DEA’s 2017 Drug/Slang Words Unclassified

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You know how sometimes you see lame news articles aimed at parents about the “secret language your child may be using and you don’t even know it”?

“The emojis your teenager is using and what they mean”

“Decoding your child’s text  or ‘sext’ messages”

“How your child may be talking about drugs around you and you don’t even know it”

You know, stuff like that. The media thinking parents are oblivious and need to be educated on what their kids are actually talking about. Pretty sure no matter how sneaky I was, my parents knew about all the shady stuff I was doing. Of course, we didn’t have cell phones so it was easy for my dad to just pick up the other line and listen in, then make fun of me for reciting Led Zeppelin lyrics to some girl I was trying to impress (“If the sun refused to shine…” Never worked.)

The point is that most of these articles you see are pretty “No duh” and riddled in common sense.

Most parents paying attention know that “420” means weed, or “Smack” means heroin. We don’t need local news to tell us that. But there are so many more slang words used for drugs that even parents in the know will be surprised about, and what better source to get them from than the agency who deals with drugs every day? The DEA.

Back in May, the DEA unclassified a report showing all – literally all – of the drug slang terms they are aware of. And it is fascinating.

Is your child talking about “Friskie Powder” or “Oyster Stew”? I’m sorry to tell you, they are doing cocaine.

Does your co-worker asks you if you’d like any “Grape Parfait”? He doesn’t mean grapes and yogurt. He means LSD. Most definitely.

Did your wife ask you to get her some Blue Bell Ice Cream recently? She doesn’t mean actual  Blue Bell Ice Cream. She obviously is talking about meth. You should schedule the intervention now.

The agency released the slang/code words with the caveat, “Every effort has been made to ensure the accuracy and completeness of the information presented. However, due to the dynamics of the ever-changing drug scene, subsequent additions, deletions, and corrections are inevitable.”

The slang words are, if nothing else, hilarious and a great way to expand your vocabulary while simultaneously confusing your friends into thinking you’re either crazy or have a drug problem. Or both. Fun times.

And if you’re looking for a name for your new band… you WILL find it in this list.

Check it out here:buscemi

DEA DRUG/SLANG WORDS 2017

Own Moldy Mickey Mouse for only $31K… and other cool items for much cheaper

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I’ve recently developed a bad habit of playing the lottery. I know that I’m not going to win, but as it was so eloquently put in a recent episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, it’s just the hope that the ticket represents. Shelling out $5 a week for the hope of becoming a millionaire in my back pocket is worth it to me. 

But perhaps I’m fishing in the wrong hole for my dreams of wealth. Perhaps I need to look no further than the back of my fridge – or in my desk drawer – because there is a guy selling a moldy sandwich on eBay for $31,000. 

As Rick Harrison from Pawn Stars would say, “That’s what they’re selling it for or that’s what they’re getting for it?” 

Shut up, Rick. I know your game and I know when a piece of mold is worth more money than my truck. I bet if I told you it was once in the field bag of General Ambrose Burnside during the Civil War you’d appreciate it. 

But this sandwich currently up for grabs wasn’t owned by some famous General. It simply sprouted some mold in the shape of a familiar cartoon. One you’ve probably seen on TV or in your pancakes: Mickey Mouse. 

“Miracle Tuna sandwich, mold naturally grown on the sandwich is shaped like Mickey Mouse and is truly one of a kind! Sandwhich is frozen for preservation,” the listing says. 

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The insane seller says he’ll donate half of the money to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital if it sells. That’s nice. A worthy cause. But you’re still making out with more than $15,000 for having nothing more than a sandwich that kinda resembles that annoying mouse. 

Hard work and perseverance are not the way to wealth. Unfortunately, it isn’t looking like the lottery is either. Moldy sandwiches are the next big thing. Buy as much stock in them as you can! 

I’ve recently purchased three loaves of bread and set them up in a hot and humid environment in hopes that at least one of the pieces of bread begins to sport some resemblance to someone famous. If a cartoon mouse can get $31K, imagine what I could get for a moldy Kim Kardashian sandwich? Or a green and fuzzy portrait of the late, great Bill Paxton? 

Until those items come to fruition, I need to supplement my inevitable income with other unique items. Here are a few off-the-wall things I’m peddling right now. 

First, this hairy banana. I peeled this banana a few days ago and forgot to eat it. Happens all the time. Next thing I know, it’s growing hair! So here’s a hairy banana to add to your collection… for only $7! Buy it and start a band named “Hairy Banana” and use it as your mascot. Or your first album cover. If you do that, I need a cut of the profits. 30/70 at least. We can talk about that. 

Hairy Banana Merchandise is already up and going! Get yours HERE!

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Hairy Banana. How did that happen? Is that Sasquatch hair? Maybe. Maybe it’s Bloodhound hair. You won’t know until you buy it!

Next up is a bag of hair! But not just any hair. I was told by the gentlemen who sold this to me that it was magical Sasquatch hair! It hasn’t done much magic for me. It just sits int he bag, though I haven’t really tried to get any kind of magic out of it yet. I’m not looking to scam anyone on this item and really just am looking to break even, so if you want it, I need to get back at least what I put in to it. $8000. Firm. 

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Magical Sasquatch hair! Paid $8000, need to get that back. Firm.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Come on, Cory. Hair and bananas aren’t the financial future of the free world. I got to have mold.” Well, you’re in luck. The next item doesn’t looking like anyone famous, but it is a moldy piece of bread. Due to the fact that it is just mold and doesn’t hold any sort of sentimental value, I’ll let it go for only $5, instead of $31,000. And if you buy one moldy piece of bread, I’ll throw in another for free! That’s TWO pieces of moldy bread for the price of one! Try beating that value at any of the big, fat cat corporate mold dealers. My mold is farm to table. Organic. 

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But wait, if you’re here to buy something that looks like someone, check this out. I bought this tortilla and quickly realized it resembled acting great Mark Wahlberg! The tortilla is mold free at the moment, BUT if you buy it now, that means it can only go up in value once the mold begins to grow! Slap it on your face and watch the look on your friends’ faces when they suddenly say, “Whoa, where’d my friend go and how am I now hanging out with Mark Wahlberg?!” 

Buy it now for only $3 and watch your investment grow to $50,000 in just a couple of weeks! Probably. I don’t know. If Mickey Mouse mold is selling for $31,000, imagine what Mark Wahlberg mold will sell for! It’s really an investment in your financial future. 

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“Say hi to your mother for me.”

Hit me up on my Facebook page if you’re interested in buying any of these items. 

RUNNING WITH CORY: Stroller Edition

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The sun actually came out yesterday and Bloomsday is this weekend, which means it’s officially running season. I’ve been trying to run all winter, which just seemed to end two weeks ago, and it’s been ok, but there’s nothing like spring and summertime running in the Inland Northwest.

Last year, I thought I’d share a few tips with you that are absolutely guaranteed to make you a better runner. In case you missed them, here they are:

While these tips are still a staple of any good runner and a daily part of my cheetah-like regimen, there is one major change coming my way this year that will be a bit of an adjustment: A kid.

But just because you have a kid, doesn’t mean your running needs to suffer. Here are 6 tips for runners who want to still get radical, but need to find a way to incorporate a stroller into their running gnarliness.

Enjoy, everyone and remember, “Lots of Miles, No Big Deal.”

And just for giggles, here’s a video I made running with the Flying Irish in Spokane last year:

We Gave Nick Viall Three Chances on The Bachelor, Can We Please Give This Rhino One?

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The fact that we’ve reached this point is, honestly, infuriating.

One male northern white rhino left in the world? Seriously? But Tinder is hoping to help a rhino find his queen. Or at least get a baby white rhino out of the deal.

“Sudan” is the only male white rhino left, and one of only three left in the world. He has two female companions, Najin and Fatu, but at the age of 43, they are unable to breed due to complications that include old age.

Too bad we’re not trying to repopulate Earth with Mick Jaggers, right?

So the Ol Pejeta Conservancy in Kenya has teamed up with Tinder, hoping to raise $9 million for research into breeding methods (science ones, not just the Rhino Kama Sutra), in an effort to save the white rhino from extinction.

Sudan is now rightfully being called “The Most Eligible Bachelor in the World.”

And with Tinder in 190 countries and over 40 languages, that goal of $9 million doesn’t seem so far-fetched.

A suggestion if I may?

Turn this into a reality TV show. It’s the only thing people pay attention these days.

 

If you need evidence that this will work, simply look at the millions of people who just watched on a daily basis a giraffe walk around a pen for three months waiting to give birth.

We may need to spice things up a bit. People might be a little over saturated with wildlife reality shows these days.

I’m thinking of a mashup between April the Giraffe and the actual show, The Bachelor.

“From the man who brought you Point Break Beavers…

point break beavers

comes… Bachelor: White Rhino Edition!”

Of course with only two rhino contestants, we’ll have to throw in some other animals. Of course, giraffes are hot right now. I’m thinking a few zebras, an elephant or two. Hippos, lions, etc. An insecure and paranoid antelope who is really out-of-place in the middle of a room full of predators.

Obviously, since this is about saving an entire species, we’ll make sure Sudan picks only one of the two rhinos (just like the real show!)

Sudan can stand up on some podium in a room lit only by candlelight (and off camera studio lights) while Najin and Fatu and the other animals wait patiently – wondering who Sudan is going to give his horn to (they use fake rhino horns instead of roses on this show).

Seth Rogan or Bill Hader can voice Sudan. Fran Drescher and Sofia Vegara can voice Najin and Fatu.

They can go on dates.

“Today, I’m so excited to go to the watering hole with Sudan,” Najin can say. “I think I’m falling in love with him.”

On night two, Fatu can say “I think tonight is the night I tell Sudan that I’m falling in love with him.”

Of course, we’ll need drama, too.

“I’m here for Sudan, Fatu! You’re just here to get famous! You don’t even really love him!” Najin will definitely scream at one point after drinking too many glasses of wine mixed with tequila shots.

Then of course, Sudan will cry after realizing he has to send one of them home.

“I just *sob* can’t believe I have to *sniffle* send one of these beautiful women home *tears*… pause… I’m sorry. I need a minute.”

Who will Sudan pick? And one contestant makes a surprise return… next week on Bachelor: White Rhino. 

*Spoiler: He picks both of them and impregnates both of them and they’re cool with it because… you know… they have to save their own species.

So… who’s in? Come on! If Nick can go on The Bachelor three times and find fake love, surely we can save these rhinos from going extinct!

Solving United Airline’s Image Problem – A Four Step Plan

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There are bad weeks and then there are United Airlines bad weeks.

I don’t want to recap everything that happened in the course of 7 days to the folks over at United, as I’m sure you already know, but it goes without saying that forcibly (that’s a kind term) removing a passenger from a flight and knocking him and his two front teeth out in the process, and then having a scorpion sting a passenger all in the span of a few days is… a bad week. A public relations nightmare.

Unless you have the right public relations team in place. Which, United cleared does (did?) not.

Taking three tries before even offering something that resembled an apology to the man who was publicly beaten is unacceptable. It’s beyond repair, honestly. It’s not a public relations problem anymore. Now it’s a humanity problem.

But one you can recover from, United. If you have the right people in place. People such as myself. I have the solution. I have the answer of how you can get your customers back.

United is not surprisingly looking for new PR specialists, so here’s my unsolicited job interview that includes my four-step plan to getting back in the good graces of the American public and ultimately, the world.

If you don’t like watching videos, or don’t know how to watch, here’s my plan in text form for your reading pleasure.

People aren’t dumb. Well, okay, some are. A lot are. But most people can sniff out insincerity from a mile away like some sort of sincerity bloodhound. People don’t respond to “We’re sorry” anymore. Especially when you’re on your third attempt. Actions. Actions speak louder than words (and I’m a man with great experience), so you must act. Not talk.

First, free stuff. I suggest cake, but it could be anything. Offering up free cake, pizza or alcohol on flights will bring people back. And don’t hide the cost in your fare prices. You’ve got to spend money to make this work and unfortunately, after the latest scandals, you’re going to have to bite the bullet and spend a lot of it.

Secondly, more free stuff. Give us our checked bags for free. Stop nickle and diming us every chance you get. I flew United once and on top of paying for my checked bag, they then wanted to charge me for it being 2 pounds overweight! Yet for some reason, when I took those two pounds our of my bag and put them in my wife’s underweight bag, the charge disappeared. WHY? The exact same weight went on the plane! It’s just another excuse to squeeze an extra $25 out of me. And don’t tell me it’s for  the sake of baggage handlers. Those are strong, tough folks who won’t blink at an extra two pounds over their minimally required 50. No more charging for checked bags. I know this will hurt your bottom line, but sacrifices must be made to bring people back.

I would say that top executive heads should roll after this, and perhaps after some half-assed apologies from your CEO, they should. But I also know that telling the boss of a company they should be fired during a job interview is no way to get hired. So I will not suggest that Mr. Munoz should step down. This is the time for him to step up and show the country he’s making real change. Not the kind that politicians promise. Actual change.

How do we make that change work for us?

Ah, glad you asked.

This is where it gets really interesting, yet absolutely necessary.

Daily lotteries.

You collect thousands of fares every day. My plan entails taking out a penny, a dime, a dollar… whatever, out of every fare you collect, put that in a pot and have daily lotteries. A passenger’s ticket is their entry. Every day, you hold daily lotteries where random people are singled out – in a good way – as winners of the jackpot!

Think about it. People have many choices when flying (your attendants using remind us of this at the conclusion of our flights), but what makes them pick one over the other are the perks. And I can’t think of any better perks than free food, free checked bags and the chance to win thousands, if not millions, of dollars, simply by clicking that United tab when booking my flight.

And finally, and this is probably the easiest step to execute: be people. Be real people who actually care about other people. If you screw up, admit it, genuinely apologize, explain a plan to never let it happen again and move on. If that doesn’t work, repeat steps 1-3.

VIDEO: Ping Pong To The Face, Because… Why Not?

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That’s all this is. A gratuitous shot of my co-worker Luke getting smacked in the face by a ping pong ball I sent hurling toward him at what looked and felt like at least 400 miles per hour.

Last year we got a ping pong table at work. It was all the rage for the whole building. We even had a summer tournament. I was knocked out in the first round, but to be fair, I was playing as Macho Man Randy Savage, not myself. Here’s my smack talk tweet I sent to the man who knocked me out.

Anyway, the appeal of it wore off for the rest of the building, except for four of us. Myself, Producer Luke, and the two IT guys Jeremy and Clint. We play doubles. Every day. And while Jeremy and Clint were always great, Luke and I are catching up.

With the exception of my slams. I got a wicked overhand that lands about 11% of the time. The other 89% usually involves the ball rocketing off my paddle and hitting Clint and/or Luke at the speed of sound.

It began to happen so frequently that we decided we should film it. And the first time we pressed record, we hit gold.

A shot off my paddle straight to Luke’s face.

And of course, Clint slowed it down and put some appropriate music under it.

Enjoy!

CRAYON NEWS: Parrots in India Chasing the Purple Dragon

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My dad had a couple of parrots. Actually one was a parrot and the other two were cockatoos. All them were little a-holes. They only liked him. Occasionally, one would let me hold them, but it was usually a trap. A trap to bite my face off. 

Wild parrots in India are also being little a-holes and apparently spending their days waiting for poppy farmers to open up the pods and then swooping in, gnawing on some pure opium and the retreating to the trees to get wasted all day. 

You never catch the dragon. You just keep chasing him and chasing him. He’ll turn around and encourage you to continue chasing him. He’ll even adorably lead you to believe that you almost had him. But you never catch him. 

Kick the smack, wild parrots of India! It’s not worth it. 

In honor of National Crayon Day (seamless transition, thank you), I decided this story of opium-addicted parrots could only be told through the power of colored wax. 

Crayon News is something I came up with a few years ago when I came across this story about a woman who cut off her husband’s dong. Twice. Of course, there was no video, and I couldn’t draw what she cut off and put it on-air, so Crayon News was born.  Here’s that story in case you’re interested in things like that. 

But this is a choose your own adventure style post. If you want to WATCH the parrot-addicted story be told on Good Day, check on this video: 

If you want to scroll through photos yourself, here you go. 

Crayon News: Parrots in India high on Opium

By Cory Howard

piC 1

When I first heard this story, I envisioned parrots strung out on heorin on Sunset Blvd after watching Motley Crue play to a sold-out show at the Roxy Theater. (Motley Crue playing a sold out show live at The Roxy is from another story I have about Harrison Ford and me getting wasted together. I’ll post that at another time. But there were no parrots involved in that one.) 

PIC 2

This story didn’t happen in Los Angeles. It actually happened in India.

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Wild, dope-craving parrots by the hundreds are sitting high in the trees, waiting for farmers to open up poppy pods (they ripen quicker when you open them). But this leaves them vulnerable for the parrots are now extremely addicted. 

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When the pods are open, they swoop down, nibble on the free opium and then quickly fly back to the trees. Why? 

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Because opium will make you incredibly… sleepy (is that the right word?) So they gnaw on opium, rush back to the trees before the high sets in and then… nod off for hours!

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This isn’t funny. Are you aware of what happens when you blast off into opiumland  and then fall asleep in a tree? No. You not just going to trip out and listen to the Grateful Dead…

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Most likely, you’re going to overdose and fall out of the tree! And THAT’s what is happening. Many of these parrots are falling to their death! As you can see from the picture, farmers say the parrots are stealing about 10 percent of their crops. This makes the sun incredibly sad. 

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Frustrated farmers are trying everything from firecrackers, drums, and throwing stones. But when you’re addicted to smack, even a knock upside the head with a stone isn’t going to deter you. No, the only solution I see is… 

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A government-funded rehab center specifically for parrots addicted to opium.

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Remember kids: 

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UPDATE: Sober Parrot Merchandise is now ON SALE HERE

With All Due Respect Mr. Jones and Batman, But…

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You know how you have that one friend?

Let me be more specific, because we all have that “one friend” for most categories in our life.

You know how you have that one friend that always has to one-up you on a story you just told? And most times it either doesn’t compare or is obviously made up?

Well, there’s a little 3-year-old girl living in the world who will always be able to one-up any story ever told and she has the evidence to prove it happened.

She stole the Pope’s hat.

This little girl could be sitting in a group of people with the most fascinating stories ever told, and still be able to outdo any of them.

Indiana Jones: “So after completing the death-defying obstacles that included knowing ‘Jehovah’ was actually spelled with an ‘I’ in Latin, then watching some self-righteous Nazi drink from what obviously wasn’t the cup of a carpenter and disintegrate into a blob of bubbling flesh before his bones smashed into dust because he ‘chose poorly’, I drank from what I believed was the cup of Christ and the knight told me I had chosen wisely. So I raced back to by father who had just been shot and was dying with a cup full of eternal life water (without spilling, mind you), poured on him and instantly healed him and saved his life. It was pretty crazy!”

Batman: “Geez, where to begin. My parents were murdered right in front of me, so I took all of their money and trained to be an elite ninja and saved millions of people on several occasions from would-be villains, all of whom clearly had mental health issues and wanted to destroy not only Gotham, but the world. I even managed to fake my own death by flying an atomic bomb away from the helpless citizens of Gotham, but I secretly fixed the auto-pilot system before I flew it, so yeah… everyone thinks I’m dead so now I’m free to enjoy espresso in European cities with my kleptomaniac girlfriend who thinks she’s a cat.”

Grown Up 3-year-old girl: *Lights up her cigarette and takes a long drag… pauses… and slowly exhales*… “I stole the Pope’s hat once.”

The Collective Room: “You win. Again.”

Only a little girl could get away with it. If I stole the Pope’s hat… I can’t even imagine the fire – literal fire – that would rain down upon me. But a sweet,  little 3-year-old girl does it and everyone thinks it’s adorable. Even the Pope.

The girl’s Godfather posted video of the incident on Twitter and yeah… it’s pretty adorable.

Good job, girl. You’ve got your story. Use it wisely.

https://twitter.com/MountainButorac/status/844505243538931714

Lawyer Lawyer, Pants on Fire

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I always thought I’d make a great lawyer. There are few things I love more than arguing seemingly ridiculous ideas in an attempt to sway someone to my side. I spent a good majority of this past election season doing just that (it didn’t work). 

But it was the motivation I lacked. The reading. The studying. The law books that read like Latin to me. Pig Latin I ould-way een-bay okay-ay ith-way. But not real Latin. They study law exclusively in Latin, don’t they? Perhaps I should’ve investigated that a little more. At any rate, here I am today, writing a blog that a total of 15 people at most read. I think I made the right choice. 

It’s also the dedication. Arguing or not, I’m not sure I’d be okay with trying to get someone I knew was guilty off because of some loophole, or my insane ability to manipulate people. 

However, I hope if I’m ever in need of a lawyer, I find one as dedicated as Miami lawyer Stephen Gutierrez. 

Mr. Gutierrez was defending a man on trial for arson. The State of Florida claims his client set his own car on fire. Mr. Gutierrez would stop at nothing to get his client off. If you ask him, he’ll say what happened next was not some stunt to really prove his point that his client’s car ignited due to spontaneous combustion. He’ll say it was just a coincidence. 

It’s okay, Mr. Gutierrez, we know. We know. 

During his closing arguments, Stephen said he began to feel heat (UNRELATED: Feel My Heat – One of the greatest movie scenes ever) coming from one of his pockets. Then came the smoke. There was a fire in his pants. And not the kind you tell a girl who is way out of your league at a college party. The real kind. (I just realized why the “There’s a fire in my pants” line never worked.) 

Mr. Gutierrez ran out of the courtroom, extinguished the flames and came back uninjured to a shocked courtroom. 

Was it him taking dedication to his client to the next level or just a crazy coincidence? 

We’ll never know. But we know. Hats off to you Mr. Gutierrez. 

The jury knows too. They convicted his client.

I couldn’t find video of this incident, but who needs video when you can just grab your Undertaker action figure and recreate yourself? It went something like this: 

And then… just because:

The Secret of Life is this one (obvious) thing

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The smart folks at Harvard have finished quite the undertaking: A 75-year study on the secret of life.

What took them 75-years, took Curly from City Slickers 20 seconds to explain. The secret of life is one thing, but it’s up to you to figure out what that one thing is. For most people, you’re going to find the answer is obvious. It’s family. It’s friends. It’s loved ones. A Higher power. Good relationships.

Most people, even the ones who actually do fall in line with worshipping material possessions, aren’t going to admit that.

But some researchers at Harvard have spent 75 years waiting to release what we all know is the obvious answer: Good relationships lead to a fulfilling life.

The study  says that “having someone to rely on helps your nervous system relax, helps your brain stay healthier for longer, and reduces both emotional as well as physical pain.”

Duh. 75 years and this is the best they could come up with?

I feel like they received the grant money for a 75-year study, held their excitement in check, walked into the next room and sort of looked at each other in awe that they just pulled that scam off and said, “It’s surrounding yourself with people you like, right? Like, good relationships?”

“Yeah,” everyone else said in unison.

“Ok, well we got the money, let’s just look like we’re busy for the next 75 years, ok?”

“Yep.”

1945: 

Harvard – “Hey Steve, you guys about done with that secret of life study yet?”

Scientist Steve – “No, but it’s gonna be good!”

1960:

Harvard – “Hey Steve, that secret of life study, almost finished?”

Scientist Steve – “Almost *Giving two thumbs up*”

1970: 

Harvard – “Boy, ya know Steve, it’s been nearly 40 years. Anything to report on the secret of life?”

Scientist Steve – “Oh man, we’ve been working really hard, but it’s not quite ready yet.”

1984:

Harvard – “Steve, that secret of life study… really need an update from your team.”

Scientist Steve – “Back off, man. I’m a scientist.” (Steve was a big Peter Venkman and Ghostbusters fan).

2000:

Harvard – “Hey Ted, sorry about Steve dying, but are you about done with that secret of life study yet? We’ve been waiting for 60 years…”

Scientist Ted – “Give me about 17 more years, ok?”

So here we are in the year 2017, and Harvard finishes their study. They turn it in, 2-3 pages, double-spaced, size 16 font and it says…

“THE SECRET OF LIFE

A 75 YEAR STUDY

BY HARVARD SCIENTISTS

STEVE AND TED

THE SECRET OF LIFE IS GOOD RELATIONSHIPS. THEY ARE GOOD FOR A GOOD LIFE. THEY

MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY AND NOT SAD. IF YOU HAVE GOOD RELATIONSHIPS THEN YOU

WILL HAVE A GOOD LIFE. TRY TO AVOID BAD RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE THEY WILL

MAKE IT SO YOU HAVE A NOT SO GOOD LIFE.

IN CONCLUSION… LIFE WILL BE GOOD FOR YOU IF YOU HAVE GOOD RELATIONSHIPS

WITH GOOD PEOPLE.

THIS STUDY WAS GOOD. IT TOOK US 75 YEARS AND WE’RE FULFILLED. (ACTUALLY STEVE

IS DEAD, BUT HE TOLD ME BEFORE HE DIED THAT HE HAD A FULFILLING LIFE BECAUSE

OF OUR GOOD RELATIONSHIP. STEVE WAS GOOD.

THE END.”

Totally worth it. Great joke, guys. Well done. R.I.P. Steve.

If that doesn’t satisfy you, essentially they are saying that people who are lonely, let their physical health go and die younger than those who surround themselves with people who make them feel happy.

Groundbreaking stuff.

*BTW, it’s very clear that Kjerstin’s husband did something wrong and is trying to make up for it with his response to her telling him about this story.