The smart folks at Harvard have finished quite the undertaking: A 75-year study on the secret of life.

What took them 75-years, took Curly from City Slickers 20 seconds to explain. The secret of life is one thing, but it’s up to you to figure out what that one thing is. For most people, you’re going to find the answer is obvious. It’s family. It’s friends. It’s loved ones. A Higher power. Good relationships.

Most people, even the ones who actually do fall in line with worshipping material possessions, aren’t going to admit that.

But some researchers at Harvard have spent 75 years waiting to release what we all know is the obvious answer: Good relationships lead to a fulfilling life.

The study  says that “having someone to rely on helps your nervous system relax, helps your brain stay healthier for longer, and reduces both emotional as well as physical pain.”

Duh. 75 years and this is the best they could come up with?

I feel like they received the grant money for a 75-year study, held their excitement in check, walked into the next room and sort of looked at each other in awe that they just pulled that scam off and said, “It’s surrounding yourself with people you like, right? Like, good relationships?”

“Yeah,” everyone else said in unison.

“Ok, well we got the money, let’s just look like we’re busy for the next 75 years, ok?”

“Yep.”

1945: 

Harvard – “Hey Steve, you guys about done with that secret of life study yet?”

Scientist Steve – “No, but it’s gonna be good!”

1960:

Harvard – “Hey Steve, that secret of life study, almost finished?”

Scientist Steve – “Almost *Giving two thumbs up*”

1970: 

Harvard – “Boy, ya know Steve, it’s been nearly 40 years. Anything to report on the secret of life?”

Scientist Steve – “Oh man, we’ve been working really hard, but it’s not quite ready yet.”

1984:

Harvard – “Steve, that secret of life study… really need an update from your team.”

Scientist Steve – “Back off, man. I’m a scientist.” (Steve was a big Peter Venkman and Ghostbusters fan).

2000:

Harvard – “Hey Ted, sorry about Steve dying, but are you about done with that secret of life study yet? We’ve been waiting for 60 years…”

Scientist Ted – “Give me about 17 more years, ok?”

So here we are in the year 2017, and Harvard finishes their study. They turn it in, 2-3 pages, double-spaced, size 16 font and it says…

“THE SECRET OF LIFE

A 75 YEAR STUDY

BY HARVARD SCIENTISTS

STEVE AND TED

THE SECRET OF LIFE IS GOOD RELATIONSHIPS. THEY ARE GOOD FOR A GOOD LIFE. THEY

MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY AND NOT SAD. IF YOU HAVE GOOD RELATIONSHIPS THEN YOU

WILL HAVE A GOOD LIFE. TRY TO AVOID BAD RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE THEY WILL

MAKE IT SO YOU HAVE A NOT SO GOOD LIFE.

IN CONCLUSION… LIFE WILL BE GOOD FOR YOU IF YOU HAVE GOOD RELATIONSHIPS

WITH GOOD PEOPLE.

THIS STUDY WAS GOOD. IT TOOK US 75 YEARS AND WE’RE FULFILLED. (ACTUALLY STEVE

IS DEAD, BUT HE TOLD ME BEFORE HE DIED THAT HE HAD A FULFILLING LIFE BECAUSE

OF OUR GOOD RELATIONSHIP. STEVE WAS GOOD.

THE END.”

Totally worth it. Great joke, guys. Well done. R.I.P. Steve.

If that doesn’t satisfy you, essentially they are saying that people who are lonely, let their physical health go and die younger than those who surround themselves with people who make them feel happy.

Groundbreaking stuff.

*BTW, it’s very clear that Kjerstin’s husband did something wrong and is trying to make up for it with his response to her telling him about this story.