Month: November 2017

Something About This Guy’s Story Stinks. *Hint: His Farts. It’s His Farts.

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It’s Friday and if you’re sitting at your computer right now a little melancholy because you haven’t seen any stories about suspected criminals using the power of farts to get them out of an interview with police, then I’m about to make your week a whole lot better and turn that frown upside down. 

On September 1, 24-year-old Sean Sykes Jr., of Kansas City, Missouri, was pulled over. Police found a backpack that contained drugs and two guns, one of them was reported as stolen. 

 

Like most suspected criminals, denied knowing anything about them. Police did not take him at his word. They brought him downtown for some questioning. 

This is where things took a turn for the worse. For the police. 

There was something about Sykes’ story that didn’t add up. Something wasn’t right. Something smelled fishy. 

Turns out, if something did smell fishy it had nothing to do with Sykes’ story, but more likely what he had for lunch. 

While being interrogated, detectives asked Sykes for his address, presumably at the beginning of the interview. 

His answer? 

“Mr. Sykes leaned to one side of his chair and released a loud fart before answering with the address,” a detective noted in his report. 

Image result for that's a bold strategy cotton gif

Sykes’ decision to rip farts instead of answering questions did pay off for him. Detectives couldn’t take it anymore. 

“Mr. Sykes continued to be flatulent and I ended the interview,” the detective wrote.

Charges. Were. Not. Filed! (At the time.) 

However, Skyes was pulled over again on November 5 and must’ve ran out of gas or at least come across a detective with the sense of smell of Dewey Cox, because this time he was arrested for possession of marijuana, crack and… a stolen gun. 

He was out of farts and out of chances.

Based on the two incidents, Sykes was charged in U.S. District Court for possession with intent to sell cocaine and being a felon in possession of three firearms, two of which were reported stolen.

He was arrested and made his first appearance on Monday. 

Thoughts and prayers to Mr. Sykes’ cellmate. 

 

TUTORIAL: How To Take Pictures (So They’ll Look Good On TV)

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While putting together a Winter Weather Special for  the station, one of our Executive Producers came up to me and asked if I’d do a piece on submitting the best pictures for TV and social media.

I don’t know? I’m no photography expert, but I do see A LOT of viewer pictures when the snow begins to fly (usually of patio furniture).

So I reluctantly forged ahead and put together this infomercial on how to take the best pictures for TV.

Enjoy.

 

NASA Needs Help Naming A Celestial Object – Maybe This Time They’ll Listen To Me

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Here we are again. I feel like a broken record, but I have no choice.

Someone is turning to the internet to name something and it’s someone that should know better, because they’re super smart!

NASA – the same folks that put us in space, put us on the moon, and have sent probes all over our solar system – they’re asking the same people who wanted to name a boat “Boaty McBoatface” to help them name an object 4 billion miles away.

This is it (kinda). This is an artist’s conception of what this thing looks like.

mu69

You’ll remember NASA’s New Horizons probe zipped past Pluto (It’s still a planet to me, damn it!) in 2015. Well it’s still going and in two years it will fly by past this thing,
and NASA says it needs a name.

Actually it already has a name. It needs a good name. Right now they call it 2014 MU69 (Potentially also my license plate). That’s a stupid name. They need something a little more relatable.

So they are asking for your help.

But wait, wait – NASA is smart!

They’ve set it up so they will avoid a “Space Rock McSpace Rockface” situation. They’ve learned from others’ mistakes.

NASA will take your stupid suggestion, but ultimately they will have the final say.

However, they at least seem open to something a little less traditional. These are some of the names you can vote for right now.

  • Z’ha’dum (fictional planet at the edge of the galaxy)
  • Año Nuevo (“New Year” in Spanish)

But you see other than the nuts, many of these are too hard to pronounce.

So I’m throwing this out there, and this is a 100 percent true story.

When I was a kid, probably 12-years-old, I looked up at the Moon one night and I thought, “The moon doesn’t have a name does it?”

All of the other planets and moons in our solar system have names, but ours is just “The Moon.”

So little Cory wrote a letter to NASA and asked about it, and if it didn’t have a name, if I could name it.

My suggestion?

“Steve.”

THE MOON STEVE

Think about it. It’s simple and easy to remember.

You’d go out on a clear summer night, look up at Steve and say “Man, Steve is full and bright tonight!*

NASA never wrote me back.

So I’ll throw it out again – MU69, out by Pluto, vote for Steve.

If you don’t like “Steve,” and think you have a better name, you can submit nominations here, and vote for nominations here (Again, vote for Steve.)

 

It’s a Funny Word, But This Is No Laughing Matter

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*Warning: This article contains gratuitous use of the word “Butthole,” but it’s for a good cause. I promise. I think. Probably. 

Every morning I come into work and begin scouring the internet for stories. Hard news, soft fluffy pieces, and everything in between.

On Wednesday morning, still suffering from a candy hangover (or a literal hangover from my weekend in Denver. Not sure.), there was one headline that caught my eye. Mostly, because it contained one of my favorite words of all time:

Butthole.

Butthole is a funny word. It’s fun to say. I’m 34-years-old and it still makes me chuckle like I’m 8-years-old again.

But what author or journalist would use it in their headline (besides an awesome one)? It’s not a curse word, but it’s also not a word I’d get away with saying on T.V. (Which is why I’m writing about it here instead of delighting you all with it on Coffee With Cory)

Anus is probably what I’d have to say, and while funny in itself, “anus” has been watered down by years and years of solar system Uranus jokes. It just doesn’t pack the punch of “butthole.”

So when I saw “Tiny Kitten ‘Needs A Butthole'” as a headline I immediately became interested. Actually, I immediately laughed out loud. Not like when you straight-faced text “LOL” to your friends, but actually laughed out loud.

Laughter turned to interest, interest turned concern.

Who was this kitten? Why did she not have a butthole? Every living creature deserves a butthole. PETA and I don’t always agree on everything, but I think it’s safe to say we agree on that.

 

The kitten is a newborn named “Cluck.”

Cluck was rescued from the streets of L.A. with her mother and brothers and sisters. She’s sweet and adorable. But she apparently has no butthole.

Cluck was born with a condition known as “Imperforate Anus” or “Imperforate Butthole.”

I called my sister, who is a veterinarian, to confirm this was a real thing, but she didn’t answer. Probably because I tend to call her once a week or so pretending to have some sort of wacky ailment. I’m the boy who cried wolf. Or the boy who cried that my ferret had eaten 23 boxes of Kraft Mac and Cheese.  Either way, she doesn’t believe me much anymore, so I doubt she’d have the patience to hear about my concern for a kitty with no butthole. *See edit at the bottom of page.

However, I did do some research.

This condition is caused by an abnormal development of the fetus (duh), according to medlinepuls.gov. In Cluck’s case her poop and pee come out of the same hole, according to the rescue group.

Since she’s still nursing, her poo is pretty liquidy right now. But trouble is brewing. As she grows older and gets off the milk, her poo will become solid and it won’t be able to come out as it does now.

So with a ticking clock, a street cat rescue in Los Angeles,  Kitty Bungalow Charm School for Wayward Cats, has started a fundraising to help Cluck via Crowdrise called, “Kitty Needs a Butthole.”

With an initial goal of $4,000, the campaign has already raised nearly $10,000! The organization said that any money raised after $4,000 will go to help the other cats in their facility, even the ones with buttholes.

And the latest update on Cluck and her missing butthole reads:

“Thank you all for your outpouring of support for Cluck!  She spent the weekend in and out of the vet’s office as they observed her non apparent butt closely.  Mostly they took contrast xrays of her intestines to see how much of a digestive tract she has.  She didn’t like the contrast as much as she likes mama’s boob but she was a champ non the less (sic).  We are awaiting a surgery plan for the next steps as they are reviewing all of her films to get the best sense of what to expect when she goes in for her surgery.”

So there’s hope for Cluck.

But I can’t help but wonder: Is this real? Is this just a PR stunt for the hilarious television show Nathan For You? It is in Los Angeles, a business community Nathan Fielder has been known to help.

And let’s be honest, this picture just looks like something he would do:

butthole cat2Kitty Bungalow Charm School for Wayward Cats/CrowdRise

What would the end goal be with a butthole-less cat campaign? To raise awareness and money for other shelter cats I would imagine.

The site doesn’t actually show a picture of Cluck’s butt, so we don’t know if there’s a hole there or not. And there are no x-rays on the fundraising site showing the plumbing of Cluck. And is it even possible for poo and pee to come out of the same hole?

All great questions that I don’t have the answer to, but I would hope that no one, especially someone as brilliant as Nathan, would use a cute little (potentially butthole-less) kitty in such a way.

Yeah, butthole is a funny word. And a cat missing a butthole is a funny premise. Perhaps for a new cartoon sitcom. But cartoons aren’t real. And a real cat doesn’t have a butthole, and that’s serious. So if you’d like to help Cluck and the other cats, you can donate HERE.

And hopefully the money goes to a good cause. Buttholes or not. For the betterment of the greater Los Angeles cat community.

Also, if you want to help animals locally, go to your local animal shelter and volunteer or adopt a new friend.

Butthole.

*Edit: After writing this, my sister did call me back and said the condition is possible, but she wouldn’t be able to officially comment without examining the cat herself or looking at the medical file of the feline. So, there’s that.