Something About This Guy’s Story Stinks. *Hint: His Farts. It’s His Farts.

It’s Friday and if you’re sitting at your computer right now a little melancholy because you haven’t seen any stories about suspected criminals using the power of farts to get them out of an interview with police, then I’m about to make your week a whole lot better and turn that frown upside down. 

On September 1, 24-year-old Sean Sykes Jr., of Kansas City, Missouri, was pulled over. Police found a backpack that contained drugs and two guns, one of them was reported as stolen. 

 

Like most suspected criminals, denied knowing anything about them. Police did not take him at his word. They brought him downtown for some questioning. 

This is where things took a turn for the worse. For the police. 

There was something about Sykes’ story that didn’t add up. Something wasn’t right. Something smelled fishy. 

Turns out, if something did smell fishy it had nothing to do with Sykes’ story, but more likely what he had for lunch. 

While being interrogated, detectives asked Sykes for his address, presumably at the beginning of the interview. 

His answer? 

“Mr. Sykes leaned to one side of his chair and released a loud fart before answering with the address,” a detective noted in his report. 

Image result for that's a bold strategy cotton gif

Sykes’ decision to rip farts instead of answering questions did pay off for him. Detectives couldn’t take it anymore. 

“Mr. Sykes continued to be flatulent and I ended the interview,” the detective wrote.

Charges. Were. Not. Filed! (At the time.) 

However, Skyes was pulled over again on November 5 and must’ve ran out of gas or at least come across a detective with the sense of smell of Dewey Cox, because this time he was arrested for possession of marijuana, crack and… a stolen gun. 

He was out of farts and out of chances.

Based on the two incidents, Sykes was charged in U.S. District Court for possession with intent to sell cocaine and being a felon in possession of three firearms, two of which were reported stolen.

He was arrested and made his first appearance on Monday. 

Thoughts and prayers to Mr. Sykes’ cellmate. 

 

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TUTORIAL: How To Take Pictures (So They’ll Look Good On TV)

While putting together a Winter Weather Special for  the station, one of our Executive Producers came up to me and asked if I’d do a piece on submitting the best pictures for TV and social media.

I don’t know? I’m no photography expert, but I do see A LOT of viewer pictures when the snow begins to fly (usually of patio furniture).

So I reluctantly forged ahead and put together this infomercial on how to take the best pictures for TV.

Enjoy.

 

NASA Needs Help Naming A Celestial Object – Maybe This Time They’ll Listen To Me

Here we are again. I feel like a broken record, but I have no choice.

Someone is turning to the internet to name something and it’s someone that should know better, because they’re super smart!

NASA – the same folks that put us in space, put us on the moon, and have sent probes all over our solar system – they’re asking the same people who wanted to name a boat “Boaty McBoatface” to help them name an object 4 billion miles away.

This is it (kinda). This is an artist’s conception of what this thing looks like.

mu69

You’ll remember NASA’s New Horizons probe zipped past Pluto (It’s still a planet to me, damn it!) in 2015. Well it’s still going and in two years it will fly by past this thing,
and NASA says it needs a name.

Actually it already has a name. It needs a good name. Right now they call it 2014 MU69 (Potentially also my license plate). That’s a stupid name. They need something a little more relatable.

So they are asking for your help.

But wait, wait – NASA is smart!

They’ve set it up so they will avoid a “Space Rock McSpace Rockface” situation. They’ve learned from others’ mistakes.

NASA will take your stupid suggestion, but ultimately they will have the final say.

However, they at least seem open to something a little less traditional. These are some of the names you can vote for right now.

  • Z’ha’dum (fictional planet at the edge of the galaxy)
  • Año Nuevo (“New Year” in Spanish)

But you see other than the nuts, many of these are too hard to pronounce.

So I’m throwing this out there, and this is a 100 percent true story.

When I was a kid, probably 12-years-old, I looked up at the Moon one night and I thought, “The moon doesn’t have a name does it?”

All of the other planets and moons in our solar system have names, but ours is just “The Moon.”

So little Cory wrote a letter to NASA and asked about it, and if it didn’t have a name, if I could name it.

My suggestion?

“Steve.”

THE MOON STEVE

Think about it. It’s simple and easy to remember.

You’d go out on a clear summer night, look up at Steve and say “Man, Steve is full and bright tonight!*

NASA never wrote me back.

So I’ll throw it out again – MU69, out by Pluto, vote for Steve.

If you don’t like “Steve,” and think you have a better name, you can submit nominations here, and vote for nominations here (Again, vote for Steve.)

 

It’s a Funny Word, But This Is No Laughing Matter

*Warning: This article contains gratuitous use of the word “Butthole,” but it’s for a good cause. I promise. I think. Probably. 

Every morning I come into work and begin scouring the internet for stories. Hard news, soft fluffy pieces, and everything in between.

On Wednesday morning, still suffering from a candy hangover (or a literal hangover from my weekend in Denver. Not sure.), there was one headline that caught my eye. Mostly, because it contained one of my favorite words of all time:

Butthole.

Butthole is a funny word. It’s fun to say. I’m 34-years-old and it still makes me chuckle like I’m 8-years-old again.

But what author or journalist would use it in their headline (besides an awesome one)? It’s not a curse word, but it’s also not a word I’d get away with saying on T.V. (Which is why I’m writing about it here instead of delighting you all with it on Coffee With Cory)

Anus is probably what I’d have to say, and while funny in itself, “anus” has been watered down by years and years of solar system Uranus jokes. It just doesn’t pack the punch of “butthole.”

So when I saw “Tiny Kitten ‘Needs A Butthole'” as a headline I immediately became interested. Actually, I immediately laughed out loud. Not like when you straight-faced text “LOL” to your friends, but actually laughed out loud.

Laughter turned to interest, interest turned concern.

Who was this kitten? Why did she not have a butthole? Every living creature deserves a butthole. PETA and I don’t always agree on everything, but I think it’s safe to say we agree on that.

 

The kitten is a newborn named “Cluck.”

Cluck was rescued from the streets of L.A. with her mother and brothers and sisters. She’s sweet and adorable. But she apparently has no butthole.

Cluck was born with a condition known as “Imperforate Anus” or “Imperforate Butthole.”

I called my sister, who is a veterinarian, to confirm this was a real thing, but she didn’t answer. Probably because I tend to call her once a week or so pretending to have some sort of wacky ailment. I’m the boy who cried wolf. Or the boy who cried that my ferret had eaten 23 boxes of Kraft Mac and Cheese.  Either way, she doesn’t believe me much anymore, so I doubt she’d have the patience to hear about my concern for a kitty with no butthole. *See edit at the bottom of page.

However, I did do some research.

This condition is caused by an abnormal development of the fetus (duh), according to medlinepuls.gov. In Cluck’s case her poop and pee come out of the same hole, according to the rescue group.

Since she’s still nursing, her poo is pretty liquidy right now. But trouble is brewing. As she grows older and gets off the milk, her poo will become solid and it won’t be able to come out as it does now.

So with a ticking clock, a street cat rescue in Los Angeles,  Kitty Bungalow Charm School for Wayward Cats, has started a fundraising to help Cluck via Crowdrise called, “Kitty Needs a Butthole.”

With an initial goal of $4,000, the campaign has already raised nearly $10,000! The organization said that any money raised after $4,000 will go to help the other cats in their facility, even the ones with buttholes.

And the latest update on Cluck and her missing butthole reads:

 

Tootsie Pops and Candy Corn are the Inland Northwest’s favorite candy? Gross.

When it comes to candy, I tend to stay away from chocolate. I’m more of a fruity-flavored guy. Skittles, Starburst, and my favorite, Mike and Ike.

Side note: I recently had a friend who went to Canada and came back with genuine Jolly Joes. NOT grape Mike and Ikes, but JOLLY JOES! What happened, Mike and Ike? Bring back Jolly Joes to the U.S.A.

But if I want to fit in, I’m gonna have to move to North Dakota, Indiana or Florida because that’s where those are the most popular according to one website.

Halloween candy is a big industry. REALLY big. Billions of dollars will be spent this year on candy for trick-or-treating, but not all of it will be spent wisely, apparently.

For instance, according to candystore.com, Idaho’s favorite candy is candy corn. Gross! Although their second choice is Starburst, so a little redemption there.

If you’re from Idaho and you’re reading this saying, “Hey! Don’t look at me. I don’t even like candy corn.” You might be telling the truth, but the folks at candystore.com have been selling bulk candy for a decade and they say Idaho loves candy corn.

Don’t worry, Idaho. Montana isn’t much better. Their favorite candy is Dubble Bubble gum. You know, the stuff that loses its flavor after your first few chews? Fruit Stripe gum even lasts longer (just by a few seconds though).

And Washington? Well, we apparently upgraded a bit this year. In previous years we were fans of salt water taffy (Not on board with that, either), but this year we graduated to Tootsie Pops.

How did the website come to their conclusions? I’ll let them explain:

“We took 10 years of sales data (2007-2016), looking in particular at the months leading up to Halloween. We sell to all 50 states – plus Canada – so we broke down our sales by state. We also have relationships with major candy manufacturers and distributors – all of whom contributed and helped us verify that our data is on point.”

So you see? Totally accurate.

Oregon enjoys Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Good for them!

Check out what the rest of the country enjoys in this interactive map:

Source: CandyStore.com.

Feel free to tell me my taste is candy is horrible HERE.

“Fatberg! Right Ahead!” – A PSA that could save your sewer’s life.

Here’s a little public service announcement this morning for residents and leaders of any city… in the world (remove sunglasses and insert dramatic music here)!

Today I was educated on something I never knew was an actual problem, but it’s something we can all work together on to solve and prevent.

What’s below our city?

Sewers. Exactly.

Now I used to think the only thing in our sewers was waste and adolescent turtles that know karate and only come out at night to fight bad guys and eat pizza, but I was apparently wrong.

Sewers run under out cities like arteries and veins, and much like arteries and veins, they can apparently get clogged up. Not clogged up like I clog up my toilet after nacho night, but clogged up like your heart gets clogged up and causes a fatal heart attack.

Such was the case in Baltimore, Maryland recently.

What are you looking at there? Welcome to Baltimore’s sewer. You’ll see… no ninja turtles… no singing Christmas poo.. just a giant congealed glob of fat.

This is known as a *Fatberg* and crews say it took about 50 to 60 years for this blockage of fat, grease and oil to form. As you can imagine, it’s not just fat, grease and oil. Mixed in with that you have decades of flushable wipes, diapers, cotton swabs, bandages, a bunch of plastic bags, rubber gloves, pens, batteries, pennies, coins, anything that you flush down your drain.

As our sewer systems age these fatbergs are becoming more and more common. They just had to remove one on London.

So just like your heart, if you have a blocked artery, you have to go in and perform a bypass. That’s what you see in the video above. It’s a robotic camera with a 2,000 pound per square inch pressure washer and an industrial vacuum goes in and clears the fatberg.

Now again, these fatbergs need to be caught sooner than later. I actually found (doctored) footage of them spotting the one in Baltimore.

Getting regular check ups can save your city’s life. The fatberg in Baltimore took $60,000 and a week to remove. Cheaper than an actual heart surgery, I imagine.

There are preventative measures you can take so your city’s arteries don’t get clogged up.

  1. don’t treat your toilet like a trash can. Whatever you flush down your drain can contribute to these clogs.
  2. Don’t feed your sewer line red meat.
  3. Make sure your sewer line is getting at least 30 minutes of cardio a day.

Together, we can save our city’s life.

Japan Gets It. Japan Gets Commercials. Japan Gets Me.

I think it’s safe to say that 90% of the commercials on TV are horrible. That’s pretty much in line with 90% of what’s on TV (especially Coffee With Cory).

But when I’m watching commercials, I usually think, “Who in the world thought that was a good idea?”

We’re in an era of TV when commercials have to be entertaining to keep the viewer from ignoring, fast forwarding, or turning their attention to their phone.

Very few accomplish this. But when it’s good… it’s good.

I’ve always thought I could be that guy to come up with great commercials (I already have the informercials down), but I guarantee most companies would reject the crazy premises.

Then I began to notice commercials from across the ocean. The Pacific Ocean. Japan.

THERE’S a country that will most DEFINITELY get my ideas.

If you need any proof of that, I present to you the greatest commercial I’ve ever seen. Nissan Milk Seafood.

It’s the perfect milk seafood cup to enjoy when you’re sitting in a remote snow-blanketed forest, tripping on hallucinogenic mushrooms being methodically hunted by man-seasons aiming for your warm cup of milk seafood.

It’s… it’s brilliant.

UPDATE: After watching additional Nissan commercials, one of the creepy “Man-seasons” is actually a “Cheese Alien.”

 

I like your style, Japan. Call me if you need me.