We Gave Nick Viall Three Chances on The Bachelor, Can We Please Give This Rhino One?

The fact that we’ve reached this point is, honestly, infuriating.

One male northern white rhino left in the world? Seriously? But Tinder is hoping to help a rhino find his queen. Or at least get a baby white rhino out of the deal.

“Sudan” is the only male white rhino left, and one of only three left in the world. He has two female companions, Najin and Fatu, but at the age of 43, they are unable to breed due to complications that include old age.

Too bad we’re not trying to repopulate Earth with Mick Jaggers, right?

So the Ol Pejeta Conservancy in Kenya has teamed up with Tinder, hoping to raise $9 million for research into breeding methods (science ones, not just the Rhino Kama Sutra), in an effort to save the white rhino from extinction.

Sudan is now rightfully being called “The Most Eligible Bachelor in the World.”

And with Tinder in 190 countries and over 40 languages, that goal of $9 million doesn’t seem so far-fetched.

A suggestion if I may?

Turn this into a reality TV show. It’s the only thing people pay attention these days.

 

If you need evidence that this will work, simply look at the millions of people who just watched on a daily basis a giraffe walk around a pen for three months waiting to give birth.

We may need to spice things up a bit. People might be a little over saturated with wildlife reality shows these days.

I’m thinking of a mashup between April the Giraffe and the actual show, The Bachelor.

“From the man who brought you Point Break Beavers

point break beavers

comes… Bachelor: White Rhino Edition!

Of course with only two rhino contestants, we’ll have to throw in some other animals. Of course, giraffes are hot right now. I’m thinking a few zebras, an elephant or two. Hippos, lions, etc. An insecure and paranoid antelope who is really out-of-place in the middle of a room full of predators.

Obviously, since this is about saving an entire species, we’ll make sure Sudan picks only one of the two rhinos (just like the real show!)

Sudan can stand up on some podium in a room lit only by candlelight (and off camera studio lights) while Najin and Fatu and the other animals wait patiently – wondering who Sudan is going to give his horn to (they use fake rhino horns instead of roses on this show).

Seth Rogan or Bill Hader can voice Sudan. Fran Drescher and Sofia Vegara can voice Najin and Fatu.

They can go on dates.

“Today, I’m so excited to go to the watering hole with Sudan,” Najin can say. “I think I’m falling in love with him.”

On night two, Fatu can say “I think tonight is the night I tell Sudan that I’m falling in love with him.”

Of course, we’ll need drama, too.

“I’m here for Sudan, Fatu! You’re just here to get famous! You don’t even really love him!” Najin will definitely scream at one point after drinking too many glasses of wine mixed with tequila shots.

Then of course, Sudan will cry after realizing he has to send one of them home.

“I just *sob* can’t believe I have to *sniffle* send one of these beautiful women home *tears*… pause… I’m sorry. I need a minute.”

Who will Sudan pick? And one contestant makes a surprise return… next week on Bachelor: White Rhino. 

*Spoiler: He picks both of them and impregnates both of them and they’re cool with it because… you know… they have to save their own species.

So… who’s in? Come on! If Nick can go on The Bachelor three times and find fake love, surely we can save these rhinos from going extinct!

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Solving United Airline’s Image Problem – A Four Step Plan

There are bad weeks and then there are United Airlines bad weeks.

I don’t want to recap everything that happened in the course of 7 days to the folks over at United, as I’m sure you already know, but it goes without saying that forcibly (that’s a kind term) removing a passenger from a flight and knocking him and his two front teeth out in the process, and then having a scorpion sting a passenger all in the span of a few days is… a bad week. A public relations nightmare.

Unless you have the right public relations team in place. Which, United cleared does (did?) not.

Taking three tries before even offering something that resembled an apology to the man who was publicly beaten is unacceptable. It’s beyond repair, honestly. It’s not a public relations problem anymore. Now it’s a humanity problem.

But one you can recover from, United. If you have the right people in place. People such as myself. I have the solution. I have the answer of how you can get your customers back.

United is not surprisingly looking for new PR specialists, so here’s my unsolicited job interview that includes my four-step plan to getting back in the good graces of the American public and ultimately, the world.

If you don’t like watching videos, or don’t know how to watch, here’s my plan in text form for your reading pleasure.

People aren’t dumb. Well, okay, some are. A lot are. But most people can sniff out insincerity from a mile away like some sort of sincerity bloodhound. People don’t respond to “We’re sorry” anymore. Especially when you’re on your third attempt. Actions. Actions speak louder than words (and I’m a man with great experience), so you must act. Not talk.

First, free stuff. I suggest cake, but it could be anything. Offering up free cake, pizza or alcohol on flights will bring people back. And don’t hide the cost in your fare prices. You’ve got to spend money to make this work and unfortunately, after the latest scandals, you’re going to have to bite the bullet and spend a lot of it.

Secondly, more free stuff. Give us our checked bags for free. Stop nickle and diming us every chance you get. I flew United once and on top of paying for my checked bag, they then wanted to charge me for it being 2 pounds overweight! Yet for some reason, when I took those two pounds our of my bag and put them in my wife’s underweight bag, the charge disappeared. WHY? The exact same weight went on the plane! It’s just another excuse to squeeze an extra $25 out of me. And don’t tell me it’s for  the sake of baggage handlers. Those are strong, tough folks who won’t blink at an extra two pounds over their minimally required 50. No more charging for checked bags. I know this will hurt your bottom line, but sacrifices must be made to bring people back.

I would say that top executive heads should roll after this, and perhaps after some half-assed apologies from your CEO, they should. But I also know that telling the boss of a company they should be fired during a job interview is no way to get hired. So I will not suggest that Mr. Munoz should step down. This is the time for him to step up and show the country he’s making real change. Not the kind that politicians promise. Actual change.

How do we make that change work for us?

Ah, glad you asked.

This is where it gets really interesting, yet absolutely necessary.

Daily lotteries.

You collect thousands of fares every day. My plan entails taking out a penny, a dime, a dollar… whatever, out of every fare you collect, put that in a pot and have daily lotteries. A passenger’s ticket is their entry. Every day, you hold daily lotteries where random people are singled out – in a good way – as winners of the jackpot!

Think about it. People have many choices when flying (your attendants using remind us of this at the conclusion of our flights), but what makes them pick one over the other are the perks. And I can’t think of any better perks than free food, free checked bags and the chance to win thousands, if not millions, of dollars, simply by clicking that United tab when booking my flight.

And finally, and this is probably the easiest step to execute: be people. Be real people who actually care about other people. If you screw up, admit it, genuinely apologize, explain a plan to never let it happen again and move on. If that doesn’t work, repeat steps 1-3.

VIDEO: Ping Pong To The Face, Because… Why Not?

That’s all this is. A gratuitous shot of my co-worker Luke getting smacked in the face by a ping pong ball I sent hurling toward him at what looked and felt like at least 400 miles per hour.

Last year we got a ping pong table at work. It was all the rage for the whole building. We even had a summer tournament. I was knocked out in the first round, but to be fair, I was playing as Macho Man Randy Savage, not myself. Here’s my smack talk tweet I sent to the man who knocked me out.

Anyway, the appeal of it wore off for the rest of the building, except for four of us. Myself, Producer Luke, and the two IT guys Jeremy and Clint. We play doubles. Every day. And while Jeremy and Clint were always great, Luke and I are catching up.

With the exception of my slams. I got a wicked overhand that lands about 11% of the time. The other 89% usually involves the ball rocketing off my paddle and hitting Clint and/or Luke at the speed of sound.

It began to happen so frequently that we decided we should film it. And the first time we pressed record, we hit gold.

A shot off my paddle straight to Luke’s face.

And of course, Clint slowed it down and put some appropriate music under it.

Enjoy!

I’m not crying. You’re crying.

Every day I hear my wife yell at our bloodhound, Georgia.

“Georgia!”

She’s usually trying to get into the trash, or lick the dirty dishes in the sink (Georgia, not my wife) to warrant the high pitched yell. And don’t get me wrong, it is a warranted. Having a dog can be a daily test of your patience. If it’s not that, then there’s the shedding, the slobber, the fact that our couches are now Georgia’s couches.

 

GEORGIA IG

My sweet girl, Georgia.

 

Having a dog can be a daily test of your patience. But I wouldn’t trade her for anything. I love that dog.

Which is why a recent Instagram post by Sylvester Stallone hit me in just the right spot today, so I thought I’d share it with you.

Sylvester writes of this picture:

I’m not crying. You’re crying.

Sly posted another photo after this one that showcased just how much he loved his dog, Butkus.

1971… Since we're on the subject of " man's best friend" this is myself and Butkus as a puppy , we were both , thin , hungry and living in a flophouse above a subway stop, I used to say this apartment had " … Hot and cold running roaches" anyway there was not much to do except spend time with each other and that's where I started to learn the craft of screenwriting. Since I never went out, I relied on his companionship , And actually it was his idea to write Rocky, but don't tell anyone…. Years later when things got even worse I had to sell him for $40 in front of a 7-Eleven store,because I couldn't afford food, then like A modern day miracle, the screenplay for Rocky sold, and I could buy and buy him back, but the new owner knew I was desperate, and charged me $15,000 … He was worth every penny! #New York City #HellsKitchen #BullMastiff #It'sADogsWorld. #MoreToCome#inspiration #ThunderingYourHeart #GoingThedistance

A post shared by Sly Stallone (@officialslystallone) on

Can you imagine? Being in such a tough spot? So hungry and poor that you are forced to sell your only real companion? I can’t. I could never imagine being in that spot where I would give up Georgia. But if I had to… you better believe I’d also pay anything to get her back. Even if it was 375 times what I sold her for.

You’re awesome Sly. Thanks for sharing! And if you’re reading this… do something special for your pup today to let them know how much you appreciate their love and companionship.