I set my own World Record. Eat it, Harvey.

As a kid, the Guinness Book of World Records was my jam. The 1991 version, before they sold out. They didn’t actually sell out. That just sounded cool to say.

As a kid, setting a record seemed like a huge deal. As an adult, it’s easy to see it’s just a matter of following a formula:

Take something normal + Doing something with it abnormal an absurd amount of times or for an extended period of time + be the first to do it = World Record Holder.

Or you could just be born with a specific genetic disposition. Be really tall. Be really overweight. Be really small. Don’t ever clip your fingernails and be really old. Eventually, you’ll break that record.

If you aren’t fortunate to be 743 pounds with the ability to ride a motorcycle, just follow the formula. Like I did on Good Day when I became the first person in history to balance a Godzilla figurine who was wearing a tuxedo on my head while holding an 8″x10″ photo of one of my heroes, Kurt Russell, while telling viewers about other people setting records.

I’m not exactly sure how long I went for, but I definitely set a record. Check it out.

*”Eat it, Harvey” is a tribute to the great newsman Richard Thornburg, who famously told his anchor Harvey to “Eat it” while begging for a news truck to go check out the situation at Nakatomi just seconds before Harvey went on air. I feel that balancing a Godzilla figurine on my head while holding a photo of Kurt Russell in an attempt to set a world record embodies the spirit of Thornburg. Thank you.

cory godzilla

Also, show this picture during my funeral slideshow. Whenever that may be. Without context.

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Interview with Comedy Greats Horatio Sanz and John Michael Higgins

Two guys who have been making me laugh for years and years agreed to (kinda) lend me a few minutes of their time this morning to give me a “I’m not worthy” moment… and of course talk about the season two premiere of their show on NBC, Great News.

After the interview was over, I heard Horatio say “I like that guy… he did his homework,” and John say “And he actually enjoys our work, the poor son of a bitch.”

Such an honor.

We Gave Nick Viall Three Chances on The Bachelor, Can We Please Give This Rhino One?

The fact that we’ve reached this point is, honestly, infuriating.

One male northern white rhino left in the world? Seriously? But Tinder is hoping to help a rhino find his queen. Or at least get a baby white rhino out of the deal.

“Sudan” is the only male white rhino left, and one of only three left in the world. He has two female companions, Najin and Fatu, but at the age of 43, they are unable to breed due to complications that include old age.

Too bad we’re not trying to repopulate Earth with Mick Jaggers, right?

So the Ol Pejeta Conservancy in Kenya has teamed up with Tinder, hoping to raise $9 million for research into breeding methods (science ones, not just the Rhino Kama Sutra), in an effort to save the white rhino from extinction.

Sudan is now rightfully being called “The Most Eligible Bachelor in the World.”

And with Tinder in 190 countries and over 40 languages, that goal of $9 million doesn’t seem so far-fetched.

A suggestion if I may?

Turn this into a reality TV show. It’s the only thing people pay attention these days.

 

If you need evidence that this will work, simply look at the millions of people who just watched on a daily basis a giraffe walk around a pen for three months waiting to give birth.

We may need to spice things up a bit. People might be a little over saturated with wildlife reality shows these days.

I’m thinking of a mashup between April the Giraffe and the actual show, The Bachelor.

“From the man who brought you Point Break Beavers

point break beavers

comes… Bachelor: White Rhino Edition!

Of course with only two rhino contestants, we’ll have to throw in some other animals. Of course, giraffes are hot right now. I’m thinking a few zebras, an elephant or two. Hippos, lions, etc. An insecure and paranoid antelope who is really out-of-place in the middle of a room full of predators.

Obviously, since this is about saving an entire species, we’ll make sure Sudan picks only one of the two rhinos (just like the real show!)

Sudan can stand up on some podium in a room lit only by candlelight (and off camera studio lights) while Najin and Fatu and the other animals wait patiently – wondering who Sudan is going to give his horn to (they use fake rhino horns instead of roses on this show).

Seth Rogan or Bill Hader can voice Sudan. Fran Drescher and Sofia Vegara can voice Najin and Fatu.

They can go on dates.

“Today, I’m so excited to go to the watering hole with Sudan,” Najin can say. “I think I’m falling in love with him.”

On night two, Fatu can say “I think tonight is the night I tell Sudan that I’m falling in love with him.”

Of course, we’ll need drama, too.

“I’m here for Sudan, Fatu! You’re just here to get famous! You don’t even really love him!” Najin will definitely scream at one point after drinking too many glasses of wine mixed with tequila shots.

Then of course, Sudan will cry after realizing he has to send one of them home.

“I just *sob* can’t believe I have to *sniffle* send one of these beautiful women home *tears*… pause… I’m sorry. I need a minute.”

Who will Sudan pick? And one contestant makes a surprise return… next week on Bachelor: White Rhino. 

*Spoiler: He picks both of them and impregnates both of them and they’re cool with it because… you know… they have to save their own species.

So… who’s in? Come on! If Nick can go on The Bachelor three times and find fake love, surely we can save these rhinos from going extinct!

The Secret of Life is this one (obvious) thing

The smart folks at Harvard have finished quite the undertaking: A 75-year study on the secret of life.

What took them 75-years, took Curly from City Slickers 20 seconds to explain. The secret of life is one thing, but it’s up to you to figure out what that one thing is. For most people, you’re going to find the answer is obvious. It’s family. It’s friends. It’s loved ones. A Higher power. Good relationships.

Most people, even the ones who actually do fall in line with worshipping material possessions, aren’t going to admit that.

But some researchers at Harvard have spent 75 years waiting to release what we all know is the obvious answer: Good relationships lead to a fulfilling life.

The study  says that “having someone to rely on helps your nervous system relax, helps your brain stay healthier for longer, and reduces both emotional as well as physical pain.”

Duh. 75 years and this is the best they could come up with?

I feel like they received the grant money for a 75-year study, held their excitement in check, walked into the next room and sort of looked at each other in awe that they just pulled that scam off and said, “It’s surrounding yourself with people you like, right? Like, good relationships?”

“Yeah,” everyone else said in unison.

“Ok, well we got the money, let’s just look like we’re busy for the next 75 years, ok?”

“Yep.”

1945: 

Harvard – “Hey Steve, you guys about done with that secret of life study yet?”

Scientist Steve – “No, but it’s gonna be good!”

1960:

Harvard – “Hey Steve, that secret of life study, almost finished?”

Scientist Steve – “Almost *Giving two thumbs up*”

1970: 

Harvard – “Boy, ya know Steve, it’s been nearly 40 years. Anything to report on the secret of life?”

Scientist Steve – “Oh man, we’ve been working really hard, but it’s not quite ready yet.”

1984:

Harvard – “Steve, that secret of life study… really need an update from your team.”

Scientist Steve – “Back off, man. I’m a scientist.” (Steve was a big Peter Venkman and Ghostbusters fan).

2000:

Harvard – “Hey Ted, sorry about Steve dying, but are you about done with that secret of life study yet? We’ve been waiting for 60 years…”

Scientist Ted – “Give me about 17 more years, ok?”

So here we are in the year 2017, and Harvard finishes their study. They turn it in, 2-3 pages, double-spaced, size 16 font and it says…

“THE SECRET OF LIFE

A 75 YEAR STUDY

BY HARVARD SCIENTISTS

STEVE AND TED

THE SECRET OF LIFE IS GOOD RELATIONSHIPS. THEY ARE GOOD FOR A GOOD LIFE. THEY

MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY AND NOT SAD. IF YOU HAVE GOOD RELATIONSHIPS THEN YOU

WILL HAVE A GOOD LIFE. TRY TO AVOID BAD RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE THEY WILL

MAKE IT SO YOU HAVE A NOT SO GOOD LIFE.

IN CONCLUSION… LIFE WILL BE GOOD FOR YOU IF YOU HAVE GOOD RELATIONSHIPS

WITH GOOD PEOPLE.

THIS STUDY WAS GOOD. IT TOOK US 75 YEARS AND WE’RE FULFILLED. (ACTUALLY STEVE

IS DEAD, BUT HE TOLD ME BEFORE HE DIED THAT HE HAD A FULFILLING LIFE BECAUSE

OF OUR GOOD RELATIONSHIP. STEVE WAS GOOD.

THE END.”

Totally worth it. Great joke, guys. Well done. R.I.P. Steve.

If that doesn’t satisfy you, essentially they are saying that people who are lonely, let their physical health go and die younger than those who surround themselves with people who make them feel happy.

Groundbreaking stuff.

*BTW, it’s very clear that Kjerstin’s husband did something wrong and is trying to make up for it with his response to her telling him about this story.

 

 

 

Thanksgiving Side Dish Recipe

I’m often asked, “Cory, you look like an excellent cook. Do you have any recipes to share?”

If by “often” you mean once and by “asked” you mean was screamed at by an angry Applebee’s cook, “You think you can do better, a-hole?” after I told my waiter my late-night happy hour appetizers tasted like an eight-year-old made it moments after completing a Double Dare challenged that involved farm animal waste and sauteed mushrooms, then yes. Happens all the time.

I’m just kidding. It was more like a four-year-old. And I hate mushrooms. So does Mark Summers. Probably.

But thankfully, I have a better recipe for you to bring to Thanksgiving this year. It’s simple. It’s only three ingredients. Takes just 20 minutes and feeds one. So maybe make a couple. Or just make one and tell everyone in the house as soon as you walk in, “These are mine. No one else touch them! Especially you Uncle Marvin. Especially you.”

So here it is. From my family to yours. This recipe has been handed down through the ages. My dad handed it down to me when he was 45-years-old and standing on a ladder I was holding. Now, at the age of 33, I virtually hand it to you. Enjoy! Let me know if you try it and how it works out!

Huntin’ Bears With Coffee With Cory

Bears. Between attacks in Montana and California, and sightings along a popular hiking trail in Spokane, bears are in the news lately.

Earlier this summer, there was a gator on the loose in Spokane. People were frightened (probably). So I did what any morning show, coffee enthusiast would do: I went gator hunting.  In case you missed it:

But now, it’s bears that have the people of the Inland Northwest on edge. Now, you’re probably more likely to be attacked by Nicolas Cage in the woods than a bear, but who wants to take that chance? So I strapped on my flannel and outback hat one more time, grabbed my trusted bloodhound Georgia, and set out to find a bear.