Interview with Comedy Greats Horatio Sanz and John Michael Higgins

Two guys who have been making me laugh for years and years agreed to (kinda) lend me a few minutes of their time this morning to give me a “I’m not worthy” moment… and of course talk about the season two premiere of their show on NBC, Great News.

After the interview was over, I heard Horatio say “I like that guy… he did his homework,” and John say “And he actually enjoys our work, the poor son of a bitch.”

Such an honor.

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Time to brush up on Kindergarten Cop

On Friday, don’t ask me how or why (it’s not important), I came across of photo of an extremely pregnant ferret.

To be honest, at first I only saw the lower half and thought I had stumbled onto something completely different.

My sister is a veterinarian in Ellensburg, Washington and I saw it as a perfect opportunity to have some fun with her.

So using a small, and barely significant plot point from the classic movie Kindergarten Cop, I went to her work’s Facebook page, Ellensburg Animal Hospital, and posted the following:

pregnant ferret

“Dr. Taylor, this is my ferret, Marvin. I usually take him to my kindergarten class (I’m totally not an undercover cop). The kids like to pet him. He doesn’t bite. Last night while I was cleaning my gun and looking through police case folders… I mean, grading papers, he must’ve gotten into my macaroni and cheese meal preps. Every Sunday I make 23 boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese so I have something to take for lunches. Sometimes I add little cut up hot dogs, thankfully this time I did not. I know what a choking hazard those can be for ferrets. While I was cleaning my gun, I mean, looking at the kids’ finger-paintings, he must’ve gotten into the giant pot of macaroni and cheese. I suspect this because I found multiple ferret hairs in what was leftover and he was covered in orange goo. Well, as you can see, Marvin is incredibly fat this morning. Will he pass the mac and cheese or do we need to start talking about surgical intervention? He seems fine otherwise. Just a little slower. And explosive diarrhea. Other than that… business as usual in Ferret world. Thoughts?”

My sister immediately identified my Detective John Kimball story and shared it to the hospital’s main page thinking everyone else would as well.

They didn’t. Well, not everyone got it.

“Oh no,” one person worringly replied.

“Poor Baby,” another concerned person said.

One lady expressed concern for the ferret before immediately turning her attention to my apparent love of mac and cheese.

” I hope he pulls through, but do we need to be concerned with you eating too many helpings of mac n cheese each week? Hahaha.”

“Poor guy, will he be ok?”

Some didn’t get the joke, so it was reposted as a “name that movie” post.

At last check no one got the reference to the awesome Arnold Schwarzenegger classic. The thought that no one understands a Kindergarten Cop reference when they see one concerns me. It… it’s giving me a headache.

Don’t worry.

It’s not a tumor.

But seriously, if you haven’t seen Kindergarten Cop I’m gonna need to know:

who is your dady

Because he obviously didn’t raise you right.

Go watch Kindergarten Cop. Now.

 

 

Raccoon hitches a ride on police officer’s van

 

Let’s just stop for a moment to appreciate raccoons on this Friday afternoon, shall we?

They are adorable little buggers. It’s a shame I can’t keep one as a pet. However, to be fair, I’ve never tried. Maybe I could.

I have a raccoon mug.

raccoon mug

I have a raccoon shirt.

racontteurs

I’ve watched them in movies.

And a couple of years ago, I was touched by the emotional story of Conrad the Raccoon in Toronto.

And on this first day of Fall 2017, I have yet another raccoon memory to add to my collection: The Hitchhiking Raccoon of Colorado Springs.

An officer in the quiet little mountain town was on his way to a car accident when he picked up a hitchhiker. You guessed it, a raccoon.

The raccoon jumped on his windshield and went for a quick ride. The officer pulled the van over and grabbed some pictures before the raccoon hopped off and scampered away.

You know his little raccoon friends dared him to do it.

“Hey Todd, you see that police van coming? I dare you to jump on it.”

“Done.” Todd replied without a single second of hesitation.

The best part? The officer posted the photos of Todd and they are as glorious as you would expect. Take a look

123

What magnificent creatures.

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The War Against Hobo Spiders

Yeah. Spokane is smoky right now. I get that. It’s horrible. It’s not fun.

But I’ve already solved that problem with Cory’s Clean Air in a Jar!

We have more important things to worry about right now: A war.

Not a war with North Korea. A war that rages on every year around this time.

*Lights up a cigarette and slowly takes a drag…*

A war with the Hobo Spiders.

The other night, I’m watching some television and my trusty bloodhound, Georgia, is on the floor when suddenly, she jumps up like she’s just been shocked with a cattle prod and runs across the room, seemingly chasing something.

It freaked me out, but then I see her start to bat at and play with something. What was it?

I walked over there and see she’s playing with a no good, dirty rotten, worthless, creepy crawly, overly aggressive, serving absolutely no function or purpose on this earth other than to give me nightmares, stupid, jerk hobo spider!

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love all living creatures on this beautiful planet with a few exceptions, hobo spiders being one of them.

Other spiders, I’m OK with. I’ve adopted a “you stay away from me and out of sight, then I saw live and let live.”

These hobo spiders, however, they don’t even make an attempt to co-exist! They come in your house, uninvited, and make themselves at home while they look for a mate to make other worthless spiders with.

They’ll even actively seek you out and pick a fight.

In my youth, I would’ve been a little less worried about this, but I have a wife and a new child to protect.

So I laid some traps for these monsters around my house, using things I know hobo spiders like in an effort to bait them into certain death.

For instance, in this trap, I’ve cleverly disguised it at a music venue, featuring the kind of music something that sucks as bad as a hobo spider probably likes:

NICKELBACK
So far, they’ve avoided this one.  Even hobo spiders have better taste in music than my friend Nichole Mischke. 

This trap I disguised as a restaurant featuring “Uh-oh Spaghetti-Os Saturdays,” because
who doesn’t like Spaghetti-Os? Hobo spiders apparently. Empty.

SPAGHETTIOS

I also tried a sports bar featuring the expensive NFL Sunday Ticket from DirecTV.

HANGOUT

I might have jumped the gun on this one because obviously the season hasn’t started yet, so the hobos know this one is a fake. I’ll let you know how it does after this Sunday.

But there’s one trap, one establishment that seems to be having success, and it makes sense because hobo spiders are free-loading cheapskates: Free beer.

FREE BEER
Look at that! There’s two of them in there! Two of them who walked in and expected to get something for nothing, and instead they got got!

Here are all of the traps I’ve tried:

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