Something About This Guy’s Story Stinks. *Hint: His Farts. It’s His Farts.

It’s Friday and if you’re sitting at your computer right now a little melancholy because you haven’t seen any stories about suspected criminals using the power of farts to get them out of an interview with police, then I’m about to make your week a whole lot better and turn that frown upside down. 

On September 1, 24-year-old Sean Sykes Jr., of Kansas City, Missouri, was pulled over. Police found a backpack that contained drugs and two guns, one of them was reported as stolen. 

 

Like most suspected criminals, denied knowing anything about them. Police did not take him at his word. They brought him downtown for some questioning. 

This is where things took a turn for the worse. For the police. 

There was something about Sykes’ story that didn’t add up. Something wasn’t right. Something smelled fishy. 

Turns out, if something did smell fishy it had nothing to do with Sykes’ story, but more likely what he had for lunch. 

While being interrogated, detectives asked Sykes for his address, presumably at the beginning of the interview. 

His answer? 

“Mr. Sykes leaned to one side of his chair and released a loud fart before answering with the address,” a detective noted in his report. 

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Sykes’ decision to rip farts instead of answering questions did pay off for him. Detectives couldn’t take it anymore. 

“Mr. Sykes continued to be flatulent and I ended the interview,” the detective wrote.

Charges. Were. Not. Filed! (At the time.) 

However, Skyes was pulled over again on November 5 and must’ve ran out of gas or at least come across a detective with the sense of smell of Dewey Cox, because this time he was arrested for possession of marijuana, crack and… a stolen gun. 

He was out of farts and out of chances.

Based on the two incidents, Sykes was charged in U.S. District Court for possession with intent to sell cocaine and being a felon in possession of three firearms, two of which were reported stolen.

He was arrested and made his first appearance on Monday. 

Thoughts and prayers to Mr. Sykes’ cellmate. 

 

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NASA Needs Help Naming A Celestial Object – Maybe This Time They’ll Listen To Me

Here we are again. I feel like a broken record, but I have no choice.

Someone is turning to the internet to name something and it’s someone that should know better, because they’re super smart!

NASA – the same folks that put us in space, put us on the moon, and have sent probes all over our solar system – they’re asking the same people who wanted to name a boat “Boaty McBoatface” to help them name an object 4 billion miles away.

This is it (kinda). This is an artist’s conception of what this thing looks like.

mu69

You’ll remember NASA’s New Horizons probe zipped past Pluto (It’s still a planet to me, damn it!) in 2015. Well it’s still going and in two years it will fly by past this thing,
and NASA says it needs a name.

Actually it already has a name. It needs a good name. Right now they call it 2014 MU69 (Potentially also my license plate). That’s a stupid name. They need something a little more relatable.

So they are asking for your help.

But wait, wait – NASA is smart!

They’ve set it up so they will avoid a “Space Rock McSpace Rockface” situation. They’ve learned from others’ mistakes.

NASA will take your stupid suggestion, but ultimately they will have the final say.

However, they at least seem open to something a little less traditional. These are some of the names you can vote for right now.

  • Z’ha’dum (fictional planet at the edge of the galaxy)
  • Año Nuevo (“New Year” in Spanish)

But you see other than the nuts, many of these are too hard to pronounce.

So I’m throwing this out there, and this is a 100 percent true story.

When I was a kid, probably 12-years-old, I looked up at the Moon one night and I thought, “The moon doesn’t have a name does it?”

All of the other planets and moons in our solar system have names, but ours is just “The Moon.”

So little Cory wrote a letter to NASA and asked about it, and if it didn’t have a name, if I could name it.

My suggestion?

“Steve.”

THE MOON STEVE

Think about it. It’s simple and easy to remember.

You’d go out on a clear summer night, look up at Steve and say “Man, Steve is full and bright tonight!*

NASA never wrote me back.

So I’ll throw it out again – MU69, out by Pluto, vote for Steve.

If you don’t like “Steve,” and think you have a better name, you can submit nominations here, and vote for nominations here (Again, vote for Steve.)

 

“Fatberg! Right Ahead!” – A PSA that could save your sewer’s life.

Here’s a little public service announcement this morning for residents and leaders of any city… in the world (remove sunglasses and insert dramatic music here)!

Today I was educated on something I never knew was an actual problem, but it’s something we can all work together on to solve and prevent.

What’s below our city?

Sewers. Exactly.

Now I used to think the only thing in our sewers was waste and adolescent turtles that know karate and only come out at night to fight bad guys and eat pizza, but I was apparently wrong.

Sewers run under out cities like arteries and veins, and much like arteries and veins, they can apparently get clogged up. Not clogged up like I clog up my toilet after nacho night, but clogged up like your heart gets clogged up and causes a fatal heart attack.

Such was the case in Baltimore, Maryland recently.

What are you looking at there? Welcome to Baltimore’s sewer. You’ll see… no ninja turtles… no singing Christmas poo.. just a giant congealed glob of fat.

This is known as a *Fatberg* and crews say it took about 50 to 60 years for this blockage of fat, grease and oil to form. As you can imagine, it’s not just fat, grease and oil. Mixed in with that you have decades of flushable wipes, diapers, cotton swabs, bandages, a bunch of plastic bags, rubber gloves, pens, batteries, pennies, coins, anything that you flush down your drain.

As our sewer systems age these fatbergs are becoming more and more common. They just had to remove one on London.

So just like your heart, if you have a blocked artery, you have to go in and perform a bypass. That’s what you see in the video above. It’s a robotic camera with a 2,000 pound per square inch pressure washer and an industrial vacuum goes in and clears the fatberg.

Now again, these fatbergs need to be caught sooner than later. I actually found (doctored) footage of them spotting the one in Baltimore.

Getting regular check ups can save your city’s life. The fatberg in Baltimore took $60,000 and a week to remove. Cheaper than an actual heart surgery, I imagine.

There are preventative measures you can take so your city’s arteries don’t get clogged up.

  1. don’t treat your toilet like a trash can. Whatever you flush down your drain can contribute to these clogs.
  2. Don’t feed your sewer line red meat.
  3. Make sure your sewer line is getting at least 30 minutes of cardio a day.

Together, we can save our city’s life.

Japan Gets It. Japan Gets Commercials. Japan Gets Me.

I think it’s safe to say that 90% of the commercials on TV are horrible. That’s pretty much in line with 90% of what’s on TV (especially Coffee With Cory).

But when I’m watching commercials, I usually think, “Who in the world thought that was a good idea?”

We’re in an era of TV when commercials have to be entertaining to keep the viewer from ignoring, fast forwarding, or turning their attention to their phone.

Very few accomplish this. But when it’s good… it’s good.

I’ve always thought I could be that guy to come up with great commercials (I already have the informercials down), but I guarantee most companies would reject the crazy premises.

Then I began to notice commercials from across the ocean. The Pacific Ocean. Japan.

THERE’S a country that will most DEFINITELY get my ideas.

If you need any proof of that, I present to you the greatest commercial I’ve ever seen. Nissan Milk Seafood.

It’s the perfect milk seafood cup to enjoy when you’re sitting in a remote snow-blanketed forest, tripping on hallucinogenic mushrooms being methodically hunted by man-seasons aiming for your warm cup of milk seafood.

It’s… it’s brilliant.

UPDATE: After watching additional Nissan commercials, one of the creepy “Man-seasons” is actually a “Cheese Alien.”

 

I like your style, Japan. Call me if you need me.

Interview with Comedy Greats Horatio Sanz and John Michael Higgins

Two guys who have been making me laugh for years and years agreed to (kinda) lend me a few minutes of their time this morning to give me a “I’m not worthy” moment… and of course talk about the season two premiere of their show on NBC, Great News.

After the interview was over, I heard Horatio say “I like that guy… he did his homework,” and John say “And he actually enjoys our work, the poor son of a bitch.”

Such an honor.

Time to brush up on Kindergarten Cop

On Friday, don’t ask me how or why (it’s not important), I came across of photo of an extremely pregnant ferret.

To be honest, at first I only saw the lower half and thought I had stumbled onto something completely different.

My sister is a veterinarian in Ellensburg, Washington and I saw it as a perfect opportunity to have some fun with her.

So using a small, and barely significant plot point from the classic movie Kindergarten Cop, I went to her work’s Facebook page, Ellensburg Animal Hospital, and posted the following:

pregnant ferret

“Dr. Taylor, this is my ferret, Marvin. I usually take him to my kindergarten class (I’m totally not an undercover cop). The kids like to pet him. He doesn’t bite. Last night while I was cleaning my gun and looking through police case folders… I mean, grading papers, he must’ve gotten into my macaroni and cheese meal preps. Every Sunday I make 23 boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese so I have something to take for lunches. Sometimes I add little cut up hot dogs, thankfully this time I did not. I know what a choking hazard those can be for ferrets. While I was cleaning my gun, I mean, looking at the kids’ finger-paintings, he must’ve gotten into the giant pot of macaroni and cheese. I suspect this because I found multiple ferret hairs in what was leftover and he was covered in orange goo. Well, as you can see, Marvin is incredibly fat this morning. Will he pass the mac and cheese or do we need to start talking about surgical intervention? He seems fine otherwise. Just a little slower. And explosive diarrhea. Other than that… business as usual in Ferret world. Thoughts?”

My sister immediately identified my Detective John Kimball story and shared it to the hospital’s main page thinking everyone else would as well.

They didn’t. Well, not everyone got it.

“Oh no,” one person worringly replied.

“Poor Baby,” another concerned person said.

One lady expressed concern for the ferret before immediately turning her attention to my apparent love of mac and cheese.

” I hope he pulls through, but do we need to be concerned with you eating too many helpings of mac n cheese each week? Hahaha.”

“Poor guy, will he be ok?”

Some didn’t get the joke, so it was reposted as a “name that movie” post.

At last check no one got the reference to the awesome Arnold Schwarzenegger classic. The thought that no one understands a Kindergarten Cop reference when they see one concerns me. It… it’s giving me a headache.

Don’t worry.

It’s not a tumor.

But seriously, if you haven’t seen Kindergarten Cop I’m gonna need to know:

who is your dady

Because he obviously didn’t raise you right.

Go watch Kindergarten Cop. Now.

 

 

Raccoon hitches a ride on police officer’s van

 

Let’s just stop for a moment to appreciate raccoons on this Friday afternoon, shall we?

They are adorable little buggers. It’s a shame I can’t keep one as a pet. However, to be fair, I’ve never tried. Maybe I could.

I have a raccoon mug.

raccoon mug

I have a raccoon shirt.

racontteurs

I’ve watched them in movies.

And a couple of years ago, I was touched by the emotional story of Conrad the Raccoon in Toronto.

And on this first day of Fall 2017, I have yet another raccoon memory to add to my collection: The Hitchhiking Raccoon of Colorado Springs.

An officer in the quiet little mountain town was on his way to a car accident when he picked up a hitchhiker. You guessed it, a raccoon.

The raccoon jumped on his windshield and went for a quick ride. The officer pulled the van over and grabbed some pictures before the raccoon hopped off and scampered away.

You know his little raccoon friends dared him to do it.

“Hey Todd, you see that police van coming? I dare you to jump on it.”

“Done.” Todd replied without a single second of hesitation.

The best part? The officer posted the photos of Todd and they are as glorious as you would expect. Take a look

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What magnificent creatures.

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