Crayon News: Oscars Best-Dressed 2019

I have two passions in life: Fashion and corn dogs.

The two go hand-in-hand when you think about it. A corn dog is just a hot dog with a fancy bread dress.

So while eating corn dogs and watching the Oscars red carpet Sunday night, I made a list of my favorite outfits. However, rights to these photos can be expensive and I don’t have money to use them (I’m eating corn dogs for crying out loud). So I’m forced to improvise.

But necessity is the mother of invention, so I invented Crayon News.

And here’s the latest edition of Coffee With Cory’s Crayon News: Oscars Fashion 2019.

Enjoy!

If you don’t like watching videos, here are photos of my favorite outfits from this year’s Oscars!

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2019 Golden Globes Fashion Review

I know two things: Fashion and drawing. And I’m totally awesome at both.

So when absolutely no one asked me to give my “2019 Golden Globes Best Dressed” list, i pounced at the opportunity to show off my natural talent for putting clothes on and drawing.

You see, airing pictures photographers take on the red carpet costs money. A lot of money. I don’t have that money. So I have to improvise. Here are my best-dressed winners for the 2019 Golden Globes.

(Shoutout to the Fiji Water Girl for always photobombing the celebrities. I couldn’t even get her out of my drawings!)

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If you don’t like looking at pictures and prefer your medium to be video, watch this:

CRAYON NEWS: A Brilliant (?) Plan to Catch Some Mail Thieves Backfires

“Caught the wrong person.”

Nicolas didn’t show any remorse when his strategically placed mousetrap caught the wrong person getting into his mailbox.

Nicolas thought either the drug dealers across the street or the woman who runs a house of prostitution was stealing his mail. So he hatched a plan. A bad plan. And now he has to deal with the consequences.

The rest of the tale told through my artistic talents (?) here:

 

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CRAYON NEWS: Parrots in India Chasing the Purple Dragon

My dad had a couple of parrots. Actually one was a parrot and the other two were cockatoos. All them were little a-holes. They only liked him. Occasionally, one would let me hold them, but it was usually a trap. A trap to bite my face off. 

Wild parrots in India are also being little a-holes and apparently spending their days waiting for poppy farmers to open up the pods and then swooping in, gnawing on some pure opium and the retreating to the trees to get wasted all day. 

You never catch the dragon. You just keep chasing him and chasing him. He’ll turn around and encourage you to continue chasing him. He’ll even adorably lead you to believe that you almost had him. But you never catch him. 

Kick the smack, wild parrots of India! It’s not worth it. 

In honor of National Crayon Day (seamless transition, thank you), I decided this story of opium-addicted parrots could only be told through the power of colored wax. 

Crayon News is something I came up with a few years ago when I came across this story about a woman who cut off her husband’s dong. Twice. Of course, there was no video, and I couldn’t draw what she cut off and put it on-air, so Crayon News was born.  Here’s that story in case you’re interested in things like that. 

But this is a choose your own adventure style post. If you want to WATCH the parrot-addicted story be told on Good Day, check on this video: 

If you want to scroll through photos yourself, here you go. 

Crayon News: Parrots in India high on Opium

By Cory Howard

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When I first heard this story, I envisioned parrots strung out on heorin on Sunset Blvd after watching Motley Crue play to a sold-out show at the Roxy Theater. (Motley Crue playing a sold out show live at The Roxy is from another story I have about Harrison Ford and me getting wasted together. I’ll post that at another time. But there were no parrots involved in that one.) 

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This story didn’t happen in Los Angeles. It actually happened in India.

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Wild, dope-craving parrots by the hundreds are sitting high in the trees, waiting for farmers to open up poppy pods (they ripen quicker when you open them). But this leaves them vulnerable for the parrots are now extremely addicted. 

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When the pods are open, they swoop down, nibble on the free opium and then quickly fly back to the trees. Why? 

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Because opium will make you incredibly… sleepy (is that the right word?) So they gnaw on opium, rush back to the trees before the high sets in and then… nod off for hours!

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This isn’t funny. Are you aware of what happens when you blast off into opiumland  and then fall asleep in a tree? No. You not just going to trip out and listen to the Grateful Dead…

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Most likely, you’re going to overdose and fall out of the tree! And THAT’s what is happening. Many of these parrots are falling to their death! As you can see from the picture, farmers say the parrots are stealing about 10 percent of their crops. This makes the sun incredibly sad. 

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Frustrated farmers are trying everything from firecrackers, drums, and throwing stones. But when you’re addicted to smack, even a knock upside the head with a stone isn’t going to deter you. No, the only solution I see is… 

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A government-funded rehab center specifically for parrots addicted to opium.

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Remember kids: 

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UPDATE: Sober Parrot Merchandise is now ON SALE HERE