UPDATE: May 8, 2018
It’s been eight days since I notified Frigo Cheese Heads on Facebook that I found a hair (possibly multiple hairs) in my Frigo CheeseHead Original String Cheese Stick.
I have not heard back.
Which, looking at their page, they’ve responded to others with the same concern, but have chosen to ignore me. I’m willing to accept that possibly their social media manager is on vacation. Perhaps in Italy learning how to make cheese without hair in it. But I’ve decided to keep them updated on the progress we’ve made. Namely, the amount of time that has passed since I bit into a hair with some cheese around it.
Monday started out a little shaky for me. I found a hair in my Frigo CheeseHead Original String Cheese Stick!
After much contemplation, I decided to let them know about it, but not to complain, just to ease the mind of a worried Frigo CheeseHead factory worker.
Here is my letter to Frigo:
This morning I was excited to have one of your Frigo CheeseHead Original String cheese snacks for breakfast, as I do most mornings. People sometimes say things like “I was excited to ____” but don’t actually mean it. I mean it. I was filled with excitement that I was about to peel open one of your cheese sticks and devour it as sustenance for my morning at work. To be honest, it’s the best part of my morning. That’s sincere.
I bite into them. I don’t peel them away and eat them string by string. I hope you don’t hold this savagery against me.
This morning’s cheese snack was tainted by an unexpected addition to the usual tastiness that is a Frigo Cheese Head Cheese Stick: A hair.
I took a bite of cheese, and after about 4 or 5 chews, I couldn’t help but notice there WAS a string in my cheese. A string of hair.
Was it mine? Was it embedded in the cheese? I had no time to contemplate those questions. I had to get it out.
So I jammed my fingers into my mouth to retrieve the hair.
After several unsuccessful attempts to locate it, I finally did and was able to snag it.
As I held it up to the light, my brain recognized that there was still cheese in my mouth that needed chewing. So while examining the hair under the harsh fluorescent lights of my work, I continued to involuntarily chew the remaining cheese in my mouth.
But there was a problem: More hair.
Now we could be dealing with multiple hairs in my cheese stick, but I put forth that it was just one hair that I had bitten into parts.
I say “parts” because while I was able to successfully grab the second hair, I’m still pretty sure there is a tiny bit still stuck to the back of my throat, despite my best efforts to retrieve it (efforts that included nearly vomiting twice from shoving my fingers so far down my throat). it remains there even as I type this.
I tried to match up the two parts I was able to retrieve to see if they were indeed from the same strand of hair, but without a microscope, I’m unable to determine if the two pieces go together.
You might be saying, “Well, Cory, have you thought that it could be YOUR hair?”
I did ponder that. However, after further thought, there are some problems with that assessment.
1.) While I can admit that my hair is not as thick and strong as it used to be in my younger years, the sequence of events that would have needed to happen for the hair to be mine would be unrealistic. First, I was about 90 minutes removed from having showered and styled my hair for the day. I use Baxter of California clay pomade and that stuff is wonderful for keeping even the thinnest of hair in place. That I can attest to. In fact, may I recommend some sort of mutually beneficial partnership with Frigo and Baxter in the future? “Baxter of California: We’ll keep your hair out of your cheese stick!” or “Frigo CheeseHeads: The perfect snack for your perfectly styled and strong Baxter of California hair!” That’s a different conversation, I suppose.
Anyway, As I opened the cheese stick, with my head straight, forward, and steady, the hair would’ve had to have miraculously been jarred loose from the other millions of finely sculpted hairs without cause or provocation, and fallen DIRECTLY on my now exposed Frigo CheeseHead Original String cheese stick without my knowledge, and then consumed. This just doesn’t seem likely to me.
2.) While I am due for a haircut, the two hairs put together (theoretically) form a hair longer than any of the longest hairs on my head. So could it have been TWO of my hairs? Look, I’ve already established how that wasn’t possible with one hair, now you’re going to tell me TWO of my hairs fell perfectly into place in the scenario laid out in the previous point? To quote Macaulay Culkin: “I don’t think so.” Let’s not forget there’s a third piece to this puzzle still stuck in my throat.
I think I’ve presented sufficient evidence that the hair was definitely embedded INSIDE the Frigo CheeseHead Original String cheese stick, which means it definitely didn’t come from me.
There are a few David Blaine scenarios that could put the hair from my head inside the Frigo CheeseHead Original String cheese stick. I’ve seen him put playing cards in some pretty impossible places, but I checked, and David Blaine was nowhere near me at the time of my cheese stick breakfast. Although I will admit, the laws of space and time don’t apply to David Blaine, so yeah, that is a possibility I’m willing to leave on the table.
I didn’t save the hair pieces (what am I, a sicko?), so DNA testing is probably out of the question (unless I can get this third piece out from the back of my throat), but the point of all of this, and the reason for writing, is… could you please ask one of your employees if they are missing a hair?
If so, again, I can’t return it to them, but I’d just like them to know that it has been located and they can stop looking for it.
Thank you for your time. I still have one more Frigo CheeseHead cheese stick to eat this morning (super excited), and I’ll let you know if that one also has any hair in it, and if so, I’ll be sure to save this one so I can return it to its rightful owner.
Thanks for listening!
A loyal CheeseHead (cheese stick eater, not a Packer Fan. Go Birds)
After post the letter, I noticed 10 days ago, someone else had a simliar experience! Not to mention a lady who commented on that post that she couldn’t even OPEN her Frigo CheeseHead cheese stick!