Month: March 2017

CRAYON NEWS: Parrots in India Chasing the Purple Dragon

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My dad had a couple of parrots. Actually one was a parrot and the other two were cockatoos. All them were little a-holes. They only liked him. Occasionally, one would let me hold them, but it was usually a trap. A trap to bite my face off. 

Wild parrots in India are also being little a-holes and apparently spending their days waiting for poppy farmers to open up the pods and then swooping in, gnawing on some pure opium and the retreating to the trees to get wasted all day. 

You never catch the dragon. You just keep chasing him and chasing him. He’ll turn around and encourage you to continue chasing him. He’ll even adorably lead you to believe that you almost had him. But you never catch him. 

Kick the smack, wild parrots of India! It’s not worth it. 

In honor of National Crayon Day (seamless transition, thank you), I decided this story of opium-addicted parrots could only be told through the power of colored wax. 

Crayon News is something I came up with a few years ago when I came across this story about a woman who cut off her husband’s dong. Twice. Of course, there was no video, and I couldn’t draw what she cut off and put it on-air, so Crayon News was born.  Here’s that story in case you’re interested in things like that. 

But this is a choose your own adventure style post. If you want to WATCH the parrot-addicted story be told on Good Day, check on this video: 

If you want to scroll through photos yourself, here you go. 

Crayon News: Parrots in India high on Opium

By Cory Howard

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When I first heard this story, I envisioned parrots strung out on heorin on Sunset Blvd after watching Motley Crue play to a sold-out show at the Roxy Theater. (Motley Crue playing a sold out show live at The Roxy is from another story I have about Harrison Ford and me getting wasted together. I’ll post that at another time. But there were no parrots involved in that one.) 

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This story didn’t happen in Los Angeles. It actually happened in India.

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Wild, dope-craving parrots by the hundreds are sitting high in the trees, waiting for farmers to open up poppy pods (they ripen quicker when you open them). But this leaves them vulnerable for the parrots are now extremely addicted. 

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When the pods are open, they swoop down, nibble on the free opium and then quickly fly back to the trees. Why? 

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Because opium will make you incredibly… sleepy (is that the right word?) So they gnaw on opium, rush back to the trees before the high sets in and then… nod off for hours!

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This isn’t funny. Are you aware of what happens when you blast off into opiumland  and then fall asleep in a tree? No. You not just going to trip out and listen to the Grateful Dead…

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Most likely, you’re going to overdose and fall out of the tree! And THAT’s what is happening. Many of these parrots are falling to their death! As you can see from the picture, farmers say the parrots are stealing about 10 percent of their crops. This makes the sun incredibly sad. 

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Frustrated farmers are trying everything from firecrackers, drums, and throwing stones. But when you’re addicted to smack, even a knock upside the head with a stone isn’t going to deter you. No, the only solution I see is… 

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A government-funded rehab center specifically for parrots addicted to opium.

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Remember kids: 

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UPDATE: Sober Parrot Merchandise is now ON SALE HERE

With All Due Respect Mr. Jones and Batman, But…

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You know how you have that one friend?

Let me be more specific, because we all have that “one friend” for most categories in our life.

You know how you have that one friend that always has to one-up you on a story you just told? And most times it either doesn’t compare or is obviously made up?

Well, there’s a little 3-year-old girl living in the world who will always be able to one-up any story ever told and she has the evidence to prove it happened.

She stole the Pope’s hat.

This little girl could be sitting in a group of people with the most fascinating stories ever told, and still be able to outdo any of them.

Indiana Jones: “So after completing the death-defying obstacles that included knowing ‘Jehovah’ was actually spelled with an ‘I’ in Latin, then watching some self-righteous Nazi drink from what obviously wasn’t the cup of a carpenter and disintegrate into a blob of bubbling flesh before his bones smashed into dust because he ‘chose poorly’, I drank from what I believed was the cup of Christ and the knight told me I had chosen wisely. So I raced back to by father who had just been shot and was dying with a cup full of eternal life water (without spilling, mind you), poured on him and instantly healed him and saved his life. It was pretty crazy!”

Batman: “Geez, where to begin. My parents were murdered right in front of me, so I took all of their money and trained to be an elite ninja and saved millions of people on several occasions from would-be villains, all of whom clearly had mental health issues and wanted to destroy not only Gotham, but the world. I even managed to fake my own death by flying an atomic bomb away from the helpless citizens of Gotham, but I secretly fixed the auto-pilot system before I flew it, so yeah… everyone thinks I’m dead so now I’m free to enjoy espresso in European cities with my kleptomaniac girlfriend who thinks she’s a cat.”

Grown Up 3-year-old girl: *Lights up her cigarette and takes a long drag… pauses… and slowly exhales*… “I stole the Pope’s hat once.”

The Collective Room: “You win. Again.”

Only a little girl could get away with it. If I stole the Pope’s hat… I can’t even imagine the fire – literal fire – that would rain down upon me. But a sweet,  little 3-year-old girl does it and everyone thinks it’s adorable. Even the Pope.

The girl’s Godfather posted video of the incident on Twitter and yeah… it’s pretty adorable.

Good job, girl. You’ve got your story. Use it wisely.

Former Spokane resident’s description of Spokane reads like fan-fiction

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Have you read it yet, Spokane?

Of course, you have.

It’s seemingly all Spokane is talking about on social media. A fictional story written by Lewis and Clark graduate Cody Delistraty about the perils we as Spokanites face on a daily basis.

Mr. Delistraty would have the rest of the world believe that in between hobbling to our daily trips to the bread line and avoiding all of the murderers walking our streets, that our only salvation comes in the form of watching Gonzaga play basketball.

It is no secret that our town generally, overall but not everyone, loves Gonzaga, but I would say no more than any town loves their sports teams. Our very livelihoods don’t depend on their success, as Mr. Delistraty stated in his “How Gonzaga became the central hope for the struggling city of Spokane” piece (it hurts to hyperlink that atrocity, but ya know… I had to).

Mr. Delistraty’s narrative is full of inaccuracies about our beloved (his former) town that are either soaked in obvious bias or just plain made up.

“Spokane sits on a tiny lump of a hill.” That’s just the most obvious one. We can’t even label it as an “Alternative fact.” It’s simply not true. After living here for an extended period of time, Delistraty should at least know that geographical fact. Hell, anyone who spends more than 3 minutes in town knows that!

Delistraty’s work is drowning in so many lies and inaccuracies that it can’t be construed as anything but fiction. I could list them here, but honestly, it requires much more effort than I’m willing to give the guy who has such an obvious bad taste in his mouth about our town.

And besides, Shawn Vestal from The Spokesman Review and Daniel Walters from The Inlander already did the leg work of pointing out all of the lies and they did it well. Good job, gentlemen.

I’ve lived in this town my whole life. That’s not to say I’ve never been anywhere else. I’ve been to a lot of different towns, and I have yet to find one better than Spokane. Comparable? Yes. Better? No.

I went to school with plenty of people who couldn’t wait to get out. They had bigger dreams in bigger cities. That’s fine. Some of them even spoke poorly about our fair city. That’s fine, too. But none of them just blatantly made up facts to support their argument like Mr. Delistraty did when he put Spokane on blast in front of the entire world.

A little while ago, some morning show anchors in Los Angeles made some critical comments about Spokane. They were obviously not speaking from experience, but rather stereotypes. That’s ok. It rubbed a lot of us the wrong way at the time, but we saw it as a chance to educate the folks from southern California. Not sure if it worked, but hey, better to take the high, right?

Mr. Delistraty’s views of our town appear to be so passionately jaded that I don’t think a care package will change his mind. I’m not sure anything will. Perhaps a session with Sean Maguire repeatedly telling him whatever happened to him in Spokane was “not his fault” followed by a good cry would be an appropriate start. But I doubt it. He’s found greener pastures doing whatever it is he’s doing now and we’re perfectly happy living our miserable lives in this post-apocalyptic Mad Max: Fury Road town without him.

“Spokane Doesn’t Suck.” It’s not just a catchy saying. It’s the truth.

Oh yeah, Go Zags!

Lawyer Lawyer, Pants on Fire

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I always thought I’d make a great lawyer. There are few things I love more than arguing seemingly ridiculous ideas in an attempt to sway someone to my side. I spent a good majority of this past election season doing just that (it didn’t work). 

But it was the motivation I lacked. The reading. The studying. The law books that read like Latin to me. Pig Latin I ould-way een-bay okay-ay ith-way. But not real Latin. They study law exclusively in Latin, don’t they? Perhaps I should’ve investigated that a little more. At any rate, here I am today, writing a blog that a total of 15 people at most read. I think I made the right choice. 

It’s also the dedication. Arguing or not, I’m not sure I’d be okay with trying to get someone I knew was guilty off because of some loophole, or my insane ability to manipulate people. 

However, I hope if I’m ever in need of a lawyer, I find one as dedicated as Miami lawyer Stephen Gutierrez. 

Mr. Gutierrez was defending a man on trial for arson. The State of Florida claims his client set his own car on fire. Mr. Gutierrez would stop at nothing to get his client off. If you ask him, he’ll say what happened next was not some stunt to really prove his point that his client’s car ignited due to spontaneous combustion. He’ll say it was just a coincidence. 

It’s okay, Mr. Gutierrez, we know. We know. 

During his closing arguments, Stephen said he began to feel heat (UNRELATED: Feel My Heat – One of the greatest movie scenes ever) coming from one of his pockets. Then came the smoke. There was a fire in his pants. And not the kind you tell a girl who is way out of your league at a college party. The real kind. (I just realized why the “There’s a fire in my pants” line never worked.) 

Mr. Gutierrez ran out of the courtroom, extinguished the flames and came back uninjured to a shocked courtroom. 

Was it him taking dedication to his client to the next level or just a crazy coincidence? 

We’ll never know. But we know. Hats off to you Mr. Gutierrez. 

The jury knows too. They convicted his client.

I couldn’t find video of this incident, but who needs video when you can just grab your Undertaker action figure and recreate yourself? It went something like this: 

And then… just because:

Turkeys: Creepy or stupid?

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Look, I have nothing against turkeys. They have it really hard.

They are the peacock’s ugly cousin.

The skin on their heads look like shriveled old… nevermind.

And of course the obvious predicament… they are the favorite food of millions of Americans every holiday season.

They’ve got a lot to overcome. We have at least one wild flock that lives inside the city limits of Spokane and every now and then I come across them on Lincoln next to Benedito’s. They stand in the middle of the road and don’t give a single damn about oncoming traffic. For a bird that is so delicious, they certainly are ballsy (not just because of the skin on their heads). I can literally lay on my horn to try and get them to move out of the road and they’ll just casually go about their business. Ballsy or stupid? Both.

But some footage shot in Massachusetts last week shows that their stupidity can also lead to some pretty creepy behavior. Take a look.

 

The Secret of Life is this one (obvious) thing

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The smart folks at Harvard have finished quite the undertaking: A 75-year study on the secret of life.

What took them 75-years, took Curly from City Slickers 20 seconds to explain. The secret of life is one thing, but it’s up to you to figure out what that one thing is. For most people, you’re going to find the answer is obvious. It’s family. It’s friends. It’s loved ones. A Higher power. Good relationships.

Most people, even the ones who actually do fall in line with worshipping material possessions, aren’t going to admit that.

But some researchers at Harvard have spent 75 years waiting to release what we all know is the obvious answer: Good relationships lead to a fulfilling life.

The study  says that “having someone to rely on helps your nervous system relax, helps your brain stay healthier for longer, and reduces both emotional as well as physical pain.”

Duh. 75 years and this is the best they could come up with?

I feel like they received the grant money for a 75-year study, held their excitement in check, walked into the next room and sort of looked at each other in awe that they just pulled that scam off and said, “It’s surrounding yourself with people you like, right? Like, good relationships?”

“Yeah,” everyone else said in unison.

“Ok, well we got the money, let’s just look like we’re busy for the next 75 years, ok?”

“Yep.”

1945: 

Harvard – “Hey Steve, you guys about done with that secret of life study yet?”

Scientist Steve – “No, but it’s gonna be good!”

1960:

Harvard – “Hey Steve, that secret of life study, almost finished?”

Scientist Steve – “Almost *Giving two thumbs up*”

1970: 

Harvard – “Boy, ya know Steve, it’s been nearly 40 years. Anything to report on the secret of life?”

Scientist Steve – “Oh man, we’ve been working really hard, but it’s not quite ready yet.”

1984:

Harvard – “Steve, that secret of life study… really need an update from your team.”

Scientist Steve – “Back off, man. I’m a scientist.” (Steve was a big Peter Venkman and Ghostbusters fan).

2000:

Harvard – “Hey Ted, sorry about Steve dying, but are you about done with that secret of life study yet? We’ve been waiting for 60 years…”

Scientist Ted – “Give me about 17 more years, ok?”

So here we are in the year 2017, and Harvard finishes their study. They turn it in, 2-3 pages, double-spaced, size 16 font and it says…

“THE SECRET OF LIFE

A 75 YEAR STUDY

BY HARVARD SCIENTISTS

STEVE AND TED

THE SECRET OF LIFE IS GOOD RELATIONSHIPS. THEY ARE GOOD FOR A GOOD LIFE. THEY

MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY AND NOT SAD. IF YOU HAVE GOOD RELATIONSHIPS THEN YOU

WILL HAVE A GOOD LIFE. TRY TO AVOID BAD RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE THEY WILL

MAKE IT SO YOU HAVE A NOT SO GOOD LIFE.

IN CONCLUSION… LIFE WILL BE GOOD FOR YOU IF YOU HAVE GOOD RELATIONSHIPS

WITH GOOD PEOPLE.

THIS STUDY WAS GOOD. IT TOOK US 75 YEARS AND WE’RE FULFILLED. (ACTUALLY STEVE

IS DEAD, BUT HE TOLD ME BEFORE HE DIED THAT HE HAD A FULFILLING LIFE BECAUSE

OF OUR GOOD RELATIONSHIP. STEVE WAS GOOD.

THE END.”

Totally worth it. Great joke, guys. Well done. R.I.P. Steve.

If that doesn’t satisfy you, essentially they are saying that people who are lonely, let their physical health go and die younger than those who surround themselves with people who make them feel happy.

Groundbreaking stuff.

*BTW, it’s very clear that Kjerstin’s husband did something wrong and is trying to make up for it with his response to her telling him about this story.