We Gave Nick Viall Three Chances on The Bachelor, Can We Please Give This Rhino One?

The fact that we’ve reached this point is, honestly, infuriating.

One male northern white rhino left in the world? Seriously? But Tinder is hoping to help a rhino find his queen. Or at least get a baby white rhino out of the deal.

“Sudan” is the only male white rhino left, and one of only three left in the world. He has two female companions, Najin and Fatu, but at the age of 43, they are unable to breed due to complications that include old age.

Too bad we’re not trying to repopulate Earth with Mick Jaggers, right?

So the Ol Pejeta Conservancy in Kenya has teamed up with Tinder, hoping to raise $9 million for research into breeding methods (science ones, not just the Rhino Kama Sutra), in an effort to save the white rhino from extinction.

Sudan is now rightfully being called “The Most Eligible Bachelor in the World.”

And with Tinder in 190 countries and over 40 languages, that goal of $9 million doesn’t seem so far-fetched.

A suggestion if I may?

Turn this into a reality TV show. It’s the only thing people pay attention these days.


If you need evidence that this will work, simply look at the millions of people who just watched on a daily basis a giraffe walk around a pen for three months waiting to give birth.

We may need to spice things up a bit. People might be a little over saturated with wildlife reality shows these days.

I’m thinking of a mashup between April the Giraffe and the actual show, The Bachelor.

“From the man who brought you Point Break Beavers

point break beavers

comes… Bachelor: White Rhino Edition!

Of course with only two rhino contestants, we’ll have to throw in some other animals. Of course, giraffes are hot right now. I’m thinking a few zebras, an elephant or two. Hippos, lions, etc. An insecure and paranoid antelope who is really out-of-place in the middle of a room full of predators.

Obviously, since this is about saving an entire species, we’ll make sure Sudan picks only one of the two rhinos (just like the real show!)

Sudan can stand up on some podium in a room lit only by candlelight (and off camera studio lights) while Najin and Fatu and the other animals wait patiently – wondering who Sudan is going to give his horn to (they use fake rhino horns instead of roses on this show).

Seth Rogan or Bill Hader can voice Sudan. Fran Drescher and Sofia Vegara can voice Najin and Fatu.

They can go on dates.

“Today, I’m so excited to go to the watering hole with Sudan,” Najin can say. “I think I’m falling in love with him.”

On night two, Fatu can say “I think tonight is the night I tell Sudan that I’m falling in love with him.”

Of course, we’ll need drama, too.

“I’m here for Sudan, Fatu! You’re just here to get famous! You don’t even really love him!” Najin will definitely scream at one point after drinking too many glasses of wine mixed with tequila shots.

Then of course, Sudan will cry after realizing he has to send one of them home.

“I just *sob* can’t believe I have to *sniffle* send one of these beautiful women home *tears*… pause… I’m sorry. I need a minute.”

Who will Sudan pick? And one contestant makes a surprise return… next week on Bachelor: White Rhino. 

*Spoiler: He picks both of them and impregnates both of them and they’re cool with it because… you know… they have to save their own species.

So… who’s in? Come on! If Nick can go on The Bachelor three times and find fake love, surely we can save these rhinos from going extinct!

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