EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Rough Draft of Donald’s Trump’s RNC Speech

Just hours after it was discovered that Melania Trump “borrowed” some (paragraphs) of Michelle Obama’s 2008 DNC speech, a leaked copy of Donald Trump’s forthcoming RNC speech has been leaked. To me.

Melania told Matt Lauer she wrote the speech herself. Judging by the cover page of this speech, it appears Donald wrote and edited the speech himself, even giving himself an A+. Good for you, Donald.

Though after giving it a once over, hopefully The Donald is going to make additional changes in light of his wife’s plagiarism. The speech is riddled with lines that sound *ahem*, very familiar.

The Donald, apparently not realizing that “four score and 7 years” is a measurement of time, borrows lines from some of the greatest speeches and books in history.

Mr. Trump also leans on a quote he credits to Living Colour, rather than FDR, and give a lot of authority to Scott Baio. At one point he even builds up his military experience by claiming to be a Call of Duty master.

It also appears he either wrote it in crayon or whatever he uses to make himself orange.

Whether Donald uses any of this at the RNC this week after his wife’s incident is yet to be seen, but here it is:

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“Four Score and 7 years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation conceived in Liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Except for Muslims. Temporarily. Just temporarily. It was incredible. Fantastic.

Now we’re engaged in a civil war, sort of. Look, crooked Hillary started it. But this war, this war, it’s huge, and it tests whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure.

*Make sure to shrug and pierce lips like a butthole here.* Right? Fantastic. Incredible.

In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice… he said, and by the way, this was the best of times, and the worst of times… he said, “Donald, Saddam wasn’t a bad guy, Yeah he threw a little gas, but he knew how to get things done.” I’ve been turning over that in my mind ever since. You know who is bad? Hillary. Hey… call me Ishmael. *Shrug*.

*Consider just throwing out the “You’re Fired” Line here. Just see how it plays.

Hey, I’ve been saying for years, pretty sure I coined this phrase when I opened my Atlantic City casino in 1984, but even back then I said, of all the truths to be self-evident, all men, again, except for a certain few –just temporarily, until we build a wall and ban them from coming into our country –but all men are created equal and are entitled to life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness and of course a $2.99 all-you-can-eat buffet with a minimum purchase of $10 in slot tokens. I’ve been saying that for years. No one else has. Fantastic. Huge.

Folks, we have to respect authority. And when a man who has been in a position of authority for decades, when a man named Charles, who has been in charge for that amount of time comes here and tells you that I’m the guy… you gotta listen to him. Right? Fantastic. Incredible.

Look, the only thing we have to fear, is fear itself. I admit, That is not my quote. I did not make that up. Living Colour said that in 1988. Fantastic guys. Great guys. Incredible. But Living Colour brings up a good point, but times are changing. We have a lot more to fear than fear. Like the people coming into our country not to work, but solely to rape. Rape. Rape. Someone is doing it. *Pause here and shrug for sure.*

Look, nobody is bigger or better at the military than I am. I might not have any experience whatsoever, but I play Call of Duty and even though I haven’t gotten past the first two levels, I’m pretty good. Probably the best. Incredible. Nobody’s better. I am. I’m the best. Don’t fire until you see the whites in their eyes, right? Incredible. Fantastic.

So we must beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past — we go into the future. To make America Great Again.”


‘A Picture of a Polar Bear, doing Polar Bear things’

“A Picture of a Polar Bear, doing Polar Bear things.”
polar bear
I woke up this morning to an unknown email address in my inbox that was simply titled “Cow Things.”
I thought it’s another critic or spam.
Did I use “golfing” as a verb and ruin someone’s day? Am I eligible for a free trip to Rome, but just need to submit my bank account and social security numbers? What could it be?
It was neither! As I rubbed my eyes and slapped my face to wake up and read it properly, I saw that it was from someone serving in the United States Coast Guard. “Cow things?” I thought. “Why would someone in the Coast Guard be writing me about cows?”
It was from EM2 Kelly Vannett. Mr. Vannett grew up in Coeur d’Alene and said he decided to get out and see the world. Smart move. My dad at one time in my life encouraged me to join the Coast Guard. I wish I had. But I decided to pursue dreams of rock n’ roll stardom instead. I didn’t pursue very hard, and here I am.
But my journey has led me to being able to occasionally write a sarcastic article on a local news website and express my opinions here, there, and on TV. That’s why Mr. Vannett was writing.
He saw THIS article (Cows doing cow things where they shouldn’t be doing cow things) that I wrote back in June and apparently enjoyed it. His email to me was to simply tell me that. That he and his crew aboard the USCGC Healy enjoyed my sarcastic article about cows running around Spokane.

The U.S. Coast Guard Healy Class Icebreaker HEALY (WAGB 20) sits in the ice, about 100 miles north of Barrow, Alaska, in order to allow scientists onboard to take core samples from the floor of the Arctic Ocean on June 18, 2005. (U.S. Coast Guard photo by Public Affairs Specialist 2nd Class NyxoLyno Cangemi) (Released)

I mostly get negative feedback. People only seem to take to the time to write you when they have someone bad to say, but Mr. Vannett took time out of his busy day to write and tell me that he and his crew got the joke. It made my day and I’m humbled that my stupid sense of humor made theirs.
In response to my article about cows, Mr. Vannett even took the time to include a picture of a polar bear (AT THE NORTH POLE!), that he took while aboard the USCGC Healy. He even captioned it, “Here’s a picture of a polar bear doing polar bear things.”
Here’s Mr. Vannett’s email:

“Mr. Howard,

I am originally from Coeur d’ Alene.  Grew up there (on a steady diet of bacon and KHQ), decided to get out and see the world.  I’ve been everywhere.  In 2015, I went from the equator, to the north pole.  The actual north pole.  Why am I telling you this?  Because my home town doesn’t make the news.  EVER.  Even more rare for my friends talk about it without prompting.  Today, I was sitting on a Coast Guard icebreaker in the arctic circle, when I hear the headline of your story read aloud.  I thought it was funny and went to glance over at it.  Imagine my surprise to see KHQ plastered over the header of the page.

Anyway, that was funny as hell, and got a whole bunch of laughs out of the guys, and I’m sure I’ll keep hearing about it for the next 6 months.

Good work, here’s a picture of a polar bear, doing polar bear things.

EM2 Kelly Vannett

USCGC Healy”

Thanks for your service Mr. Vannett, and thank you for making my day.