The Problem with Back To The Future III: The End

Holy cow. It’s been almost two months since I wrote something original on here. Don’t want to break that record just yet, so here’s a 4 year old Facebook memory that still has value and merit a far as I’m concerned about Back the Future III. It’s important. It needs to be talked about.

Here you go:

Back to the Future III.

At the very end, Marty goes back to 1985. He arrives on the train tracks.

As he rolls by slowly at the crossing, there are at least four cars full of people that see him. Then, a second later a train comes and destroys the DeLorean.


Goodbye DeLorean

Again, At least four cars full of people witness this, along with the train driver. Surely the train driver knows he just obliterated a car that potentially had at least one person inside, yet he keeps on going! The scumbag was probably drunk. I don’t know where he thinks he’s running to. Surely police will know where to find a train right? Because all of those people in the cars that just saw this train vs. vehicle called the police right?

So the, Marty leaves the scene of the train crash, WALKS to his house, which has to be at least a 20 minute hike. Then when he finally gets there he gets in his truck and drives over to Jennifer’s.

Add on another 20 minutes.

Then, after waking up Jennifer and getting her inside the truck, he begins to drive over to the crash site.

While en route to the crash site, Needles pulls up next Marty at a red light in his red 1970’s Ford pickup. Now Needles pulls up with two dudes drinking beer in the bed of the truck and some punk sitting next him, BLASTING Huey Lewis! Keep in mind Needles looks like a hardcore 1980’s punk rocker with his green skull shirt, leather jacket, greased up filthy hair and a cocaine stare. Yet he’s driving around cranking HUEY LEWIS like he’s some sort of bad ass! Real cool Needles! You gonna go loiter around the arcade later you badass?


Your tough guy street cred is blown when you drive around with a John Cusack wannabe as a passenger cranking Huey Lewis, Needles. Sweet truck, though.

So, after Needles narrowly avoids colliding with a Rolls Royce and sending the two unstrapped passengers in the bed flying though the air after a T-bone collision and eventually smashing into the pavement at 60 miles per hour, killing them both and ensuring that Needles will spend the rest of his life taking it in jail (At least 2 counts of vehicular homicide, possibly more depending on his passenger and the Rolls Royce victims), Marty takes Jennifer to the crash site.

This HAS to be about an hour after the collision! WHAT? The police never showed up. None of those four cars OR the scumbag train engineer reported the collision?

If police were aware it, certainly they would’ve responded within an hour, and if they had, surely they would still be on scene investigating, right? NO! All of the debris from the crash still sits there! LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED!


Hey, a giant flying train just arrived. No one take any pictures or get back on the phone with the police with an update to that horrible train vs. car collision you already reported! “Yeah, 9-1-1? Me again. Remember the train that hit the car about an hour ago I called about? Well, bit of an update if you’re interested… ummm… a flying train just appeared out of nowhere.” BTW… notice all the debris scattered about? No one has even investigated this yet.

THEN, a time machine train loudly appears on the tracks out of nowhere, sits there and talks to Marty and Jennifer for at least 5 minutes and NO ONE in the three story apartments or the little boxes on the hill side in the background bothers to take a picture or again call the cops? Especially as they are FLYING away? A FLYING TRAIN that made a deafening entrance five minutes ago? NOPE!

But that is not even the WORST thing.

After three movies, A TRILOGY, of Back to the Futures and Doc Brown telling Marty not to take a piss in the wrong place or it will mess up the whole future, in the end Jennifer tells him she has this fax from the future but because Marty didn’t get in a wreck, it erased itself!


This thing should’ve disappeared.

First of all, the fucking thing should’ve vanished, because if Marty never hit the car, that means he’s not the guy who always has to do what people want him to because he can’t stand being a referred to as a chicken or yellow! So, he would’ve never been sent a “You’re fired!!!” fax in the first place because he wouldn’t have scanned his card and told Needles, ‘I’m in!” So, he NEVER would’ve been fired. The fax should’ve disappeared.


Happier days for Needles.

But again, after three movies of Doc telling Marty that he can’t even wipe a booger on a wall or it might cause a chain reaction which would mean the difference between your parents being successful and playing tennis in the morning, or smoking and drinking vodka while celebrating your brother’s parole, he tells Jennifer that the “you’re fired” fax means that “The future isn’t written. No one’s is!”


Doc Brown contradicting 2 1/2 movies worth of advice.

So what? Doc gets a little strange from Clara Clayton and now all the sudden he’s foot loose and fancy free?

Some corny after school “make the most of your life” advice?

It means your future husband isn’t a reactionary douchebag and is now able to keep his job because he doesn’t give in to peer pressure.


Jennifer: “Thanks for nothing, Doc. Now please leave my impressionable, trusting teenage boyfriend alone you old kook and go back in time with your magic train.”

It’s like I want to believe, but I just can’t. Too many holes in the plot. It’s like they just rushed the filming of this movie and didn’t even care. And this was the just tail-end of the movie that I caught! I still love the movies though. Ok, got to stop now. Striking Distance staring Bruce Willis is on.

bruce willis striking


Who can help me get ‘Crow Cops’ financed?

There’s a Dutch company looking to put Crows to work. I say, “Why Not?… but why stop there?” Crows are extremely intelligent and if they’ll work so cheap, let’s get them doing more things for us!

This is a great idea by CrowdedCities.comand a great start. And while cleaning our planet is a noble cause, I feel like we can get these crows doing other things for us.

But mostly, this is just a pitch to get my sitcom “Crow Cops” green-lit by someone. Any takers? Contact me for more.

For now, here’s more info on what this company is doing and how I think we can expand.

My family photo session went a little better than this family’s… but just a little.

Family photos are certainly important. Not so much for the whole keeping memories aspect of them, but for letting you know how not cool you used to look.

Rat tails and MC Hammer pants were not apparently as cool as I thought when I was a kid. Though, I’ll be honest, it’d be fun to resurrect that look – if only for a day.

No matter how cool you thought you looked at one time in your life, family photos will prove you wrong every single time.

Pam and Dave Zaring wanted to get some photos taken of their beautiful family, so Pam found someone who said they’d do it for $250.

You get what you pay for. Pam found that out and posted the final result on Facebook, stressing, it was not a joke.

Now, I’m not professional photographer, but if this is the quality of work that comes with that price, sign me up, because I can take photos just as good, if not better, all day long.


Facebook/Pam Dave Zaring


Facebook/Pam Dave Zaring


Facebook/Pam Dave Zaring


Facebook/Pam Dave Zaring


Facebook/Pam Dave Zaring


Facebook/Pam Dave Zaring

Pam insists on Facebook that these photos are not a joke. Though, if you head to the photographer’s Facebook page, you’ll notice the theme is consistent. But again, Pam says this is totally real and not fake.

Her post has been shared more than 400,000 times.

I get it though, Pam. You want to save a few bucks. Family photos are expensive. My wife and I did the same thing last summer for our first ever family photo shoot with our new son, Hudson.

Of course, when we got the final product we all ended up looking like characters from Duck Tales (Woo Hoo), but overall, I’m extremely happy with how they turned out.


Bruce Wayne Eats Chipotle Every Day For 430+ Days In A Row

“Holy Guacamole, Batman!”

“Guac is $1.80 extra, Robin!”

A man in Ohio has set a new record by eating Chipotle for 426 days in a row.

His name?

Bruce Wayne.

First, let’s ignore the obvious question about eating Chipotle for more than a year straight. ChipotleAway, anyone?


Let’s also ignore the fact that there was an actual record to break in the first place. Somebody prior to Mr. Wayne set the record by eating at Chipotle for 425 days straight. What went down to see that streak come to an end? Perhaps, actual streaks. Again, ChipotleAway, anyone?

And let’s ignore the fact that the guy’s name is Bruce Wayne. I can’t say for certain he was born with that name, but if so, he’s certainly embraced it. Hell, maybe he is Bruce Wayne?

Remember at the end of The Dark Knight Rises, we see Bruce enjoying an espresso in some European cafe?

There’s been a lot of theories about the ending. Was it real? Was it a dream? I present the argument: Was that cafe actually a Chipotle? (No. It wasn’t.)

*Side Note: If it was real, which Christian Bale says it was, what an absolutely sleazeball move by Bruce Wayne! Alfred thinks his friend, someone he’s known since Wayne was literally a baby, is dead. Then in the healing process,  Alfred decides to take some time to travel and enjoy retirement from spending 50 years of his life serving someone else.

Then out of the millions and millions of people living in Italy, while sitting sadly by himself, he sees his friend, the man he’s cried so many tears over i failed you just mere feet away from him, and Bruce simply gives him a little head nod like he’s reluctantly thanking some wasted divorcée who sent him a drink in a crowded Applebee’s?

alfred sitting by himself

“Just sitting here, lonely, in an Italian cafe by myself at a table for four with literally no one to talk to because I don’t speak Italian. Wait, is that… is that my best friend and master who I thought was dead, Bruce Wayne over there?”

christian bale

“Oh hey guy who wiped my butt as a baby and spent the next 30+ years getting me anything I needed at any time of day, even on holidays and weekends, while also keeping my massive secret that I’m a part-time vigilante crime fighter who dresses up as a bat… what’s up?”

That’s it? No invite over to the table to meet his new cat girlfriend? No dramatic speed walk over to the table?

“Oh My God, Alfred! So good to see you! Sorry for making you think I was dead!” while sharing a manly embrace?

Major a-hole move, Bruce.

OK, all of that aside. Back to burritos.

Was Bruce so tired of being Batman that he faked his own death so he could live out the rest of his days eating burritos? Maybe. Christian Bale hasn’t returned my messages.

Let’s also ignore the fact that the Bruce Wayne in Tiffin, Ohio is living that reality. The guy likes burritos and has eaten at the chain for 430 days straight and counting. He even planned out days when they were closed by ordering ahead.

This guy documented all of this on Instagram as proof that he did it.

You know when your friends take pictures of their food and think that everyone needs to see it? This guy has done that 430 days in a row! And he’s got 1400+ people following him!

1400+ people who open their feeds every day and annoyingly say, “Oh, let’s see what Bruce posted… oh. Another burrito. Good for you, Bruce.”

But it’s not the streaks, it’s not the fact that there was a record to break in the first place, it’s not the fact that he shares his name with dudes who like snub their life-long friends who thought they were dead and defied all odds by running into them by chance out of billions of people living on the planet, and it’s not the fact that he posted a picture of every burrito he ate in the past 15 months.


So many burritos. PHOTO: Instagram/mrwaynethebat

Here’s what interests me.

Bruce went to Chipotle every day. Ordered a burrito. Let’s be kind and say he spent $10 every day. Bruce spent $4300 at Chipotle to break the record. I understand he might think he’s billionaire, but that money could’ve been spent somewhere else. That’s a 2003 Honda Accord! But he chose to spend it at Chipotle.

And Chipotle rewarded him generously. They gave Mr. Wayne a cape (yeah, a cape) and some cuff links.

chipotle bruce wayne 2

“That’s it?” you might be thinking.

Well they also took that money he spent at their restaurant and decided not to buy a Honda Accord with it, but to donate it to a non-profit of Bruce’s choice. No word on which non-profit he chose, but may I suggest one that helps out retired butlers who wasted the best years of their lives catering to spoiled rich boys?

(Unrelated, but typing the word Guacamole made me think of it, check out my friend Bill’s blog, Guakward. Or don’t. I don’t care.)


TUTORIAL: How To Take Pictures (So They’ll Look Good On TV)

While putting together a Winter Weather Special for  the station, one of our Executive Producers came up to me and asked if I’d do a piece on submitting the best pictures for TV and social media.

I don’t know? I’m no photography expert, but I do see A LOT of viewer pictures when the snow begins to fly (usually of patio furniture).

So I reluctantly forged ahead and put together this infomercial on how to take the best pictures for TV.



NASA Needs Help Naming A Celestial Object – Maybe This Time They’ll Listen To Me

Here we are again. I feel like a broken record, but I have no choice.

Someone is turning to the internet to name something and it’s someone that should know better, because they’re super smart!

NASA – the same folks that put us in space, put us on the moon, and have sent probes all over our solar system – they’re asking the same people who wanted to name a boat “Boaty McBoatface” to help them name an object 4 billion miles away.

This is it (kinda). This is an artist’s conception of what this thing looks like.


You’ll remember NASA’s New Horizons probe zipped past Pluto (It’s still a planet to me, damn it!) in 2015. Well it’s still going and in two years it will fly by past this thing,
and NASA says it needs a name.

Actually it already has a name. It needs a good name. Right now they call it 2014 MU69 (Potentially also my license plate). That’s a stupid name. They need something a little more relatable.

So they are asking for your help.

But wait, wait – NASA is smart!

They’ve set it up so they will avoid a “Space Rock McSpace Rockface” situation. They’ve learned from others’ mistakes.

NASA will take your stupid suggestion, but ultimately they will have the final say.

However, they at least seem open to something a little less traditional. These are some of the names you can vote for right now.

  • Z’ha’dum (fictional planet at the edge of the galaxy)
  • Año Nuevo (“New Year” in Spanish)

But you see other than the nuts, many of these are too hard to pronounce.

So I’m throwing this out there, and this is a 100 percent true story.

When I was a kid, probably 12-years-old, I looked up at the Moon one night and I thought, “The moon doesn’t have a name does it?”

All of the other planets and moons in our solar system have names, but ours is just “The Moon.”

So little Cory wrote a letter to NASA and asked about it, and if it didn’t have a name, if I could name it.

My suggestion?



Think about it. It’s simple and easy to remember.

You’d go out on a clear summer night, look up at Steve and say “Man, Steve is full and bright tonight!*

NASA never wrote me back.

So I’ll throw it out again – MU69, out by Pluto, vote for Steve.

If you don’t like “Steve,” and think you have a better name, you can submit nominations here, and vote for nominations here (Again, vote for Steve.)


“Fatberg! Right Ahead!” – A PSA that could save your sewer’s life.

Here’s a little public service announcement this morning for residents and leaders of any city… in the world (remove sunglasses and insert dramatic music here)!

Today I was educated on something I never knew was an actual problem, but it’s something we can all work together on to solve and prevent.

What’s below our city?

Sewers. Exactly.

Now I used to think the only thing in our sewers was waste and adolescent turtles that know karate and only come out at night to fight bad guys and eat pizza, but I was apparently wrong.

Sewers run under out cities like arteries and veins, and much like arteries and veins, they can apparently get clogged up. Not clogged up like I clog up my toilet after nacho night, but clogged up like your heart gets clogged up and causes a fatal heart attack.

Such was the case in Baltimore, Maryland recently.

What are you looking at there? Welcome to Baltimore’s sewer. You’ll see… no ninja turtles… no singing Christmas poo.. just a giant congealed glob of fat.

This is known as a *Fatberg* and crews say it took about 50 to 60 years for this blockage of fat, grease and oil to form. As you can imagine, it’s not just fat, grease and oil. Mixed in with that you have decades of flushable wipes, diapers, cotton swabs, bandages, a bunch of plastic bags, rubber gloves, pens, batteries, pennies, coins, anything that you flush down your drain.

As our sewer systems age these fatbergs are becoming more and more common. They just had to remove one on London.

So just like your heart, if you have a blocked artery, you have to go in and perform a bypass. That’s what you see in the video above. It’s a robotic camera with a 2,000 pound per square inch pressure washer and an industrial vacuum goes in and clears the fatberg.

Now again, these fatbergs need to be caught sooner than later. I actually found (doctored) footage of them spotting the one in Baltimore.

Getting regular check ups can save your city’s life. The fatberg in Baltimore took $60,000 and a week to remove. Cheaper than an actual heart surgery, I imagine.

There are preventative measures you can take so your city’s arteries don’t get clogged up.

  1. don’t treat your toilet like a trash can. Whatever you flush down your drain can contribute to these clogs.
  2. Don’t feed your sewer line red meat.
  3. Make sure your sewer line is getting at least 30 minutes of cardio a day.

Together, we can save our city’s life.