Kicking off the Phone Case Revolution with My New Invention

People have some stupid ideas, but the other day I saw one of the stupidest: A 22-pound dumbbell phone case.

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Yeah. This thing is being sold by a company in Japan and while the dude modeling it looks nice enough (and jacked, surely due solely to his 22-pound weight curls he does while browsing for supplements and looking at Instagram photos of himself in bodybuilding competitions), there’s no way carrying around your phone while it’s attached to a 22-pound dumbbell is in anyway convenient.

But was I missing something here? Was this an opportunity? I decided to go that route and look at it as a way to enter the emerging market of phone cases. That Japanese company sold at least one (maybe).

I bet I could invent a cool and totally useful phone case and sell at least two!

Here’s what I came up with: The Coffee With Cory Colander Phone Case!

 

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There’s a hair in my Frigo CheeseHead Original String Cheese Stick!

UPDATE: May 8, 2018

It’s been eight days since I notified Frigo Cheese Heads on Facebook that I found a hair (possibly multiple hairs) in my Frigo CheeseHead Original String Cheese Stick. 

I have not heard back. 

Which, looking at their page, they’ve responded to others with the same concern, but have chosen to ignore me. I’m willing to accept that possibly their social media manager is on vacation. Perhaps in Italy learning how to make cheese without hair in it. But I’ve decided to keep them updated on the progress we’ve made. Namely, the amount of time that has passed since I bit into a hair with some cheese around it. 

frigo cheese stick day counter2.jpg

 

Monday started out a little shaky for me. I found a hair in my Frigo CheeseHead Original String Cheese Stick!

After much contemplation, I decided to let them know about it, but not to complain, just to ease the mind of a worried Frigo CheeseHead factory worker.

Here is my letter to Frigo:

Dear Frigo,
This morning I was excited to have one of your Frigo CheeseHead Original String cheese snacks for breakfast, as I do most mornings. People sometimes say things like “I was excited to ____” but don’t actually mean it. I mean it. I was filled with excitement that I was about to peel open one of your cheese sticks and devour it as sustenance for my morning at work. To be honest, it’s the best part of my morning. That’s sincere.
I bite into them. I don’t peel them away and eat them string by string. I hope you don’t hold this savagery against me.
This morning’s cheese snack was tainted by an unexpected addition to the usual tastiness that is a Frigo Cheese Head Cheese Stick: A hair.
I took a bite of cheese, and after about 4 or 5 chews, I couldn’t help but notice there WAS a string in my cheese. A string of hair.
Was it mine? Was it embedded in the cheese? I had no time to contemplate those questions. I had to get it out.
So I jammed my fingers into my mouth to retrieve the hair.
After several unsuccessful attempts to locate it, I finally did and was able to snag it.
As I held it up to the light, my brain recognized that there was still cheese in my mouth that needed chewing. So while examining the hair under the harsh fluorescent lights of my work, I continued to involuntarily chew the remaining cheese in my mouth.
But there was a problem: More hair.
Now we could be dealing with multiple hairs in my cheese stick, but I put forth that it was just one hair that I had bitten into parts.
I say “parts” because while I was able to successfully grab the second hair, I’m still pretty sure there is a tiny bit still stuck to the back of my throat, despite my best efforts to retrieve it (efforts that included nearly vomiting twice from shoving my fingers so far down my throat). it remains there even as I type this.
I tried to match up the two parts I was able to retrieve to see if they were indeed from the same strand of hair, but without a microscope, I’m unable to determine if the two pieces go together.
You might be saying, “Well, Cory, have you thought that it could be YOUR hair?”
I did ponder that. However, after further thought, there are some problems with that assessment.
1.) While I can admit that my hair is not as thick and strong as it used to be in my younger years, the sequence of events that would have needed to happen for the hair to be mine would be unrealistic. First, I was about 90 minutes removed from having showered and styled my hair for the day. I use Baxter of California clay pomade and that stuff is wonderful for keeping even the thinnest of hair in place. That I can attest to. In fact, may I recommend some sort of mutually beneficial partnership with Frigo and Baxter in the future? “Baxter of California: We’ll keep your hair out of your cheese stick!” or “Frigo CheeseHeads: The perfect snack for your perfectly styled and strong Baxter of California hair!” That’s a different conversation, I suppose.
Anyway, As I opened the cheese stick, with my head straight, forward, and steady, the hair would’ve had to have miraculously been jarred loose from the other millions of finely sculpted hairs without cause or provocation, and fallen DIRECTLY on my now exposed Frigo CheeseHead Original String cheese stick without my knowledge, and then consumed. This just doesn’t seem likely to me.
2.) While I am due for a haircut, the two hairs put together (theoretically) form a hair longer than any of the longest hairs on my head. So could it have been TWO of my hairs? Look, I’ve already established how that wasn’t possible with one hair, now you’re going to tell me TWO of my hairs fell perfectly into place in the scenario laid out in the previous point? To quote Macaulay Culkin: “I don’t think so.” Let’s not forget there’s a third piece to this puzzle still stuck in my throat.
I think I’ve presented sufficient evidence that the hair was definitely embedded INSIDE the Frigo CheeseHead Original String cheese stick, which means it definitely didn’t come from me.
There are a few David Blaine scenarios that could put the hair from my head inside the Frigo CheeseHead Original String cheese stick. I’ve seen him put playing cards in some pretty impossible places, but I checked, and David Blaine was nowhere near me at the time of my cheese stick breakfast. Although I will admit, the laws of space and time don’t apply to David Blaine, so yeah, that is a possibility I’m willing to leave on the table.
I didn’t save the hair pieces (what am I, a sicko?), so DNA testing is probably out of the question (unless I can get this third piece out from the back of my throat), but the point of all of this, and the reason for writing, is… could you please ask one of your employees if they are missing a hair?
If so, again, I can’t return it to them, but I’d just like them to know that it has been located and they can stop looking for it.
Thank you for your time. I still have one more Frigo CheeseHead cheese stick to eat this morning (super excited), and I’ll let you know if that one also has any hair in it, and if so, I’ll be sure to save this one so I can return it to its rightful owner.
Thanks for listening!
A loyal CheeseHead (cheese stick eater, not a Packer Fan. Go Birds)

Cory Howard.

After post the letter, I noticed 10 days ago, someone else had a simliar experience! Not to mention a lady who commented on that post that she couldn’t even OPEN her Frigo CheeseHead cheese stick!

 

Seagulls and Pepperoni: A Tale as Old As Time

A guy named Nick from Canada recently shared a story on Facebook about how he had been banned from a hotel due to an incident that involved seagulls and a suitcase full of pepperoni.

It happened in 2001, which means there’s no viral video that goes with it for me to share. However, as I do in any situation like this, I improvised and brought back a Coffee With Cory orignal segment: Crayon News.

Enjoy!

And if you just want to see the tale told through awesome crayon drawings I did without any context… here you go!

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Alpaca, who serves as seeing-eye alpaca for his blind brother, stolen in New Zealand

New Zealand seems like a lovely country that pretty much keeps to itself. Sounds great. I know very little about the country. I’m going to admit that first and foremost.

Things I (think I) know about New Zealand:

  • I know it’s next to Australia and New Zealanders hate being called Australian.
  • I know for some reason New Zealanders are referred to as Kiwis. Is it a derogatory term? I’m not sure. If it is, I’m sorry. Wikipedia says it’s a source of pride, New Zealand Geographic says it’s offensive. I don’t know.
  • I also know Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement, the Flight of the Conchords, are from there.
  • I’m 87% sure the Lord of the Rings movies were filmed there. I’ve never seen them. I don’t know. Some guy told me that once.
  • It’s impossible to paddle to New Zealand from Bells Beach, Australia. At least during the 50-year storm.

That’s it.

However, this week I learned they also take the theft of Alpacas very seriously. We have some serious issues here in America that we are focused on, and unfortunately, alpaca theft is a little low on the list of things we are looking to solve.

In New Zealand, however, they take alpaca theft very seriously.

 

The North Shore, Rodney West Aukland Police Department has detectives working in shifts (probably) to find out who stole Charisma the Alpaca from a paddock.

“Come on, people. We need to find this alpaca,” an officer gently pleads on a video the department posted to their Facebook page that I found way too hilarious. “For the sake of the family, and for the sake of this little guy,” the same officer concluded while petting another alpaca.

Oh, I didn’t tell you about that alpaca? Charisma, the stolen alpaca, acted as a seeing-eye alpaca for his alpaca brother, Bambi, who is blind!

And since the theft of Charisma, Bambi has been depressed and unable to navigate his enclosed field without his brother!

There isn’t a whole lot we can do here in America to help, unfortunately. We all know the international alpaca trafficking network knows no borders, so you can certainly keep an eye out for anyone selling an alpaca from New Zealand.

How do you know if an alpaca is from New Zealand? The alpaca’s accent, of course.

Good luck to the North Shore, Rodney West Aukland Police Department in their search for Charisma! If there’s anything I can do to help, please let me know. Alpaca my bags and head right down!

 

 

 

The Problem with Back To The Future III: The End

Holy cow. It’s been almost two months since I wrote something original on here. Don’t want to break that record just yet, so here’s a 4 year old Facebook memory that still has value and merit a far as I’m concerned about Back the Future III. It’s important. It needs to be talked about.

Here you go:

Back to the Future III.

At the very end, Marty goes back to 1985. He arrives on the train tracks.

As he rolls by slowly at the crossing, there are at least four cars full of people that see him. Then, a second later a train comes and destroys the DeLorean.

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Goodbye DeLorean

Again, At least four cars full of people witness this, along with the train driver. Surely the train driver knows he just obliterated a car that potentially had at least one person inside, yet he keeps on going! The scumbag was probably drunk. I don’t know where he thinks he’s running to. Surely police will know where to find a train right? Because all of those people in the cars that just saw this train vs. vehicle called the police right?

So the, Marty leaves the scene of the train crash, WALKS to his house, which has to be at least a 20 minute hike. Then when he finally gets there he gets in his truck and drives over to Jennifer’s.

Add on another 20 minutes.

Then, after waking up Jennifer and getting her inside the truck, he begins to drive over to the crash site.

While en route to the crash site, Needles pulls up next Marty at a red light in his red 1970’s Ford pickup. Now Needles pulls up with two dudes drinking beer in the bed of the truck and some punk sitting next him, BLASTING Huey Lewis! Keep in mind Needles looks like a hardcore 1980’s punk rocker with his green skull shirt, leather jacket, greased up filthy hair and a cocaine stare. Yet he’s driving around cranking HUEY LEWIS like he’s some sort of bad ass! Real cool Needles! You gonna go loiter around the arcade later you badass?

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Your tough guy street cred is blown when you drive around with a John Cusack wannabe as a passenger cranking Huey Lewis, Needles. Sweet truck, though.

So, after Needles narrowly avoids colliding with a Rolls Royce and sending the two unstrapped passengers in the bed flying though the air after a T-bone collision and eventually smashing into the pavement at 60 miles per hour, killing them both and ensuring that Needles will spend the rest of his life taking it in jail (At least 2 counts of vehicular homicide, possibly more depending on his passenger and the Rolls Royce victims), Marty takes Jennifer to the crash site.

This HAS to be about an hour after the collision! WHAT? The police never showed up. None of those four cars OR the scumbag train engineer reported the collision?

If police were aware it, certainly they would’ve responded within an hour, and if they had, surely they would still be on scene investigating, right? NO! All of the debris from the crash still sits there! LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED!

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Hey, a giant flying train just arrived. No one take any pictures or get back on the phone with the police with an update to that horrible train vs. car collision you already reported! “Yeah, 9-1-1? Me again. Remember the train that hit the car about an hour ago I called about? Well, bit of an update if you’re interested… ummm… a flying train just appeared out of nowhere.” BTW… notice all the debris scattered about? No one has even investigated this yet.

THEN, a time machine train loudly appears on the tracks out of nowhere, sits there and talks to Marty and Jennifer for at least 5 minutes and NO ONE in the three story apartments or the little boxes on the hill side in the background bothers to take a picture or again call the cops? Especially as they are FLYING away? A FLYING TRAIN that made a deafening entrance five minutes ago? NOPE!

But that is not even the WORST thing.

After three movies, A TRILOGY, of Back to the Futures and Doc Brown telling Marty not to take a piss in the wrong place or it will mess up the whole future, in the end Jennifer tells him she has this fax from the future but because Marty didn’t get in a wreck, it erased itself!

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This thing should’ve disappeared.

First of all, the fucking thing should’ve vanished, because if Marty never hit the car, that means he’s not the guy who always has to do what people want him to because he can’t stand being a referred to as a chicken or yellow! So, he would’ve never been sent a “You’re fired!!!” fax in the first place because he wouldn’t have scanned his card and told Needles, ‘I’m in!” So, he NEVER would’ve been fired. The fax should’ve disappeared.

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Happier days for Needles.

But again, after three movies of Doc telling Marty that he can’t even wipe a booger on a wall or it might cause a chain reaction which would mean the difference between your parents being successful and playing tennis in the morning, or smoking and drinking vodka while celebrating your brother’s parole, he tells Jennifer that the “you’re fired” fax means that “The future isn’t written. No one’s is!”

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Doc Brown contradicting 2 1/2 movies worth of advice.

So what? Doc gets a little strange from Clara Clayton and now all the sudden he’s foot loose and fancy free?

Some corny after school “make the most of your life” advice?

It means your future husband isn’t a reactionary douchebag and is now able to keep his job because he doesn’t give in to peer pressure.

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Jennifer: “Thanks for nothing, Doc. Now please leave my impressionable, trusting teenage boyfriend alone you old kook and go back in time with your magic train.”

It’s like I want to believe, but I just can’t. Too many holes in the plot. It’s like they just rushed the filming of this movie and didn’t even care. And this was the just tail-end of the movie that I caught! I still love the movies though. Ok, got to stop now. Striking Distance staring Bruce Willis is on.

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Who can help me get ‘Crow Cops’ financed?

There’s a Dutch company looking to put Crows to work. I say, “Why Not?… but why stop there?” Crows are extremely intelligent and if they’ll work so cheap, let’s get them doing more things for us!

This is a great idea by CrowdedCities.comand a great start. And while cleaning our planet is a noble cause, I feel like we can get these crows doing other things for us.

But mostly, this is just a pitch to get my sitcom “Crow Cops” green-lit by someone. Any takers? Contact me for more.

For now, here’s more info on what this company is doing and how I think we can expand.

My family photo session went a little better than this family’s… but just a little.

Family photos are certainly important. Not so much for the whole keeping memories aspect of them, but for letting you know how not cool you used to look.

Rat tails and MC Hammer pants were not apparently as cool as I thought when I was a kid. Though, I’ll be honest, it’d be fun to resurrect that look – if only for a day.

No matter how cool you thought you looked at one time in your life, family photos will prove you wrong every single time.

Pam and Dave Zaring wanted to get some photos taken of their beautiful family, so Pam found someone who said they’d do it for $250.

You get what you pay for. Pam found that out and posted the final result on Facebook, stressing, it was not a joke.

Now, I’m not professional photographer, but if this is the quality of work that comes with that price, sign me up, because I can take photos just as good, if not better, all day long.

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Facebook/Pam Dave Zaring

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Facebook/Pam Dave Zaring

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Facebook/Pam Dave Zaring

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Facebook/Pam Dave Zaring

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Facebook/Pam Dave Zaring

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Facebook/Pam Dave Zaring

Pam insists on Facebook that these photos are not a joke. Though, if you head to the photographer’s Facebook page, you’ll notice the theme is consistent. But again, Pam says this is totally real and not fake.

Her post has been shared more than 400,000 times.

I get it though, Pam. You want to save a few bucks. Family photos are expensive. My wife and I did the same thing last summer for our first ever family photo shoot with our new son, Hudson.

Of course, when we got the final product we all ended up looking like characters from Duck Tales (Woo Hoo), but overall, I’m extremely happy with how they turned out.

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