Politics and Text messages

I have mixed feelings on political season. Mostly because there doesn’t appear to be a season anymore. They all just run together. Like how The Bachelor has been on TV for 16 years but they are inexplicably in their 87th season.

As the 2018 political season ends, it won’t be long until we start seeing campaigning for 2020.

In Canada, their election campaign length is 78 days.

In Japan, it’s 12. By law. Only 12 days compared to the hundreds of campaign days here.

Non-stop ads and this year, something different: Annoying texts messages. From both sides of the aisle. So I responded to them in the only way I know how.

I never heard back.

So now that the election is over, here you go! My responses to just two of the MANY texts I received.

First up: A text received from a Democratic candidate and my response:123

Next, as I am not biased in my trolling of either party, a response to a Republican candidate:

4567

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FAT BEAR WEEK in Katmai National Park

For the past week, Katmai National Park in Alaska has been holding their annual “Fat Bear Week.” It was new to me this year, but I’m hooked.

I’ve had the privilege of visiting Katmai National Park and seeing the bears feast at Brooks Falls and it was truly something to behold.

And now there’s a tournament where the people vote for which bear is the fattest? It’s basically the most important election of 2018. Count me in!

There were a lot of Fat Bears this year, but ultimately it came down to these two behemoths.

BEAD NOSE VS 747

Beadnose (left) vs. Bear 747 (right) in a gigantic finale to find the fattest bear in Katmai National Park

Although I feel like the camera angles help, Beadnose in this matchup (she’s sort of squatted down which pushes her fat up), ultimately Beadnose took the championship this year.

But all of the bears gave their best effort to get fat and I wanted to honor them. So I emailed Sir Elton John to ask if he’d do me the honor of singing a tribute song I wrote for the fat bears of Katmai National Park.  I never heard back.

I did hear back from an out-of-work, off-key and out of time Elton John impersonator named Kyle I found on Craigslist. Here’s the touching tribute to these magnificent beasts. Congrats, Beadnose!

Cory’s Reviews: Oregon Coast Summer Rental

During our vacations, we like to stay at AirBnBs. Better than a hotel, if you ask me and I can walk around in my underwear in the hallways without getting weird looks. My favorite part is when we leave. Because I get to sign the guestbook and review our stay. Possibly even offer up some advice to the next guests.

Most people will simply leave a “Thanks! We had fun! You have a beautiful house!” kind of note. Not me. That is a disservice to the people who have opened up their home to you for money. They need to know exactly what was enjoyable and what we might change for our next trip.

I’ve written a bunch of these, but it was only this summer I decided to begin documenting it and sharing it with the 20 or so people that come to coryhoward.com. Thanks for visiting, by the way.

This review is of a place we stayed at during the first week of July 2018, just a little south of Lincoln City. It was a beautiful home. Right on the coast. And we had a blast! Even met a pretty cool guy.

Here’s the review. Hope you enjoy.

July 5, 2018

What a vacation! What a house! What an experience!

I’ve lived in houses all my life and let me tell you, this is a nice one! Yeah, the location is great, but my favorite part was the clothes holder things in the closets! They were perfect for holding up my clothes and keeping them off the ground! They just hung there! And there were so many! Since they are triangled shaped, I also used them to trace perfect triangles on the 200 ft. roll of butcher paper I brought, which is a hobby of mine. I traced so many triangles! They were perfect thanks to those things hanging in the closets! I’m gonna have to get me some. 

I went into Lincoln City and asked a nice man at the gas station if they sold any triangle tracers that also hold clothes off the ground, but he just looked at me weird and said, “You want regular?” I’ll keep trying, but just want you to know they were appreciated. 

What else can I tell you about our lovely stay?

We saw a rabbit. We went to Lincoln City and found this little restaurant called Moe’s. I’m not even sure the locals know about Moe’s, but if you’re reading this, definitely hit up Moe’s! Best hamburger I’ve had in the south end of Lincoln City! If you want the best burger on the north end of the city, try the Mexican place next to the kite store! 

What else? 

Oh, we met Bruce Willis. On the third of July we were sitting on the deck and heard some beautiful harmonica playing coming from the beach. Like sailors to a siren, we were called to it. We walked down to the beach and there he was, sitting on a stump, playing his harp. It was happy blues, not sad blues. When he finished his song, he slowly pulled the harmonica away from his mouth, started into the fire and said, “That was called Moonlighting, which I was on in the 80’s.” 

He introduced himself. 

“Hit, I’m Bruce Willis.” 

“Yeah, we know!” we said. 

We chatted for a while. Asked him what he was doing here all by himself and I kid you not, he said: “Just thought I’d come out to the coast, have a few laughs.” 

We all lost our s**t!

He said it just like the movie Die Hard!

Anyways, we invited him up to the house. He cooked us spaghetti. He also single-handedly put together the Amish puzzle. Well, about 1/2 of it. He did that in about 2 hours. We left it partially put together for the next people because well we felt bad tearing apart a puzzle Bruce Willis put together. 

He crashed on the cough and when we woke up, he was gone. Just a note that said, “Thanks. – B”

So that was fun. 

Oh, we also enjoyed the blue plastic coffee mugs. There were only 2 or 3, but we’d all fight over them. I’d recommend getting more. 

Also a BBQ. 

All in all, great house! Thanks! 

– The Howards, Bernas, and Glenns! (And Willis)

 

Cory’s review of this review: 3.5/5 Kurt Russells. What’s your review of it? Let me know on my Facebook page or in the comments! If you liked it, share it with your friends.

And I just got back from a few days at a cabin in Mt. Rainier. Look for a review on that stay soon!

Bye! Love you!

 

 

I set my own World Record. Eat it, Harvey.

As a kid, the Guinness Book of World Records was my jam. The 1991 version, before they sold out. They didn’t actually sell out. That just sounded cool to say.

As a kid, setting a record seemed like a huge deal. As an adult, it’s easy to see it’s just a matter of following a formula:

Take something normal + Doing something with it abnormal an absurd amount of times or for an extended period of time + be the first to do it = World Record Holder.

Or you could just be born with a specific genetic disposition. Be really tall. Be really overweight. Be really small. Don’t ever clip your fingernails and be really old. Eventually, you’ll break that record.

If you aren’t fortunate to be 743 pounds with the ability to ride a motorcycle, just follow the formula. Like I did on Good Day when I became the first person in history to balance a Godzilla figurine who was wearing a tuxedo on my head while holding an 8″x10″ photo of one of my heroes, Kurt Russell, while telling viewers about other people setting records.

I’m not exactly sure how long I went for, but I definitely set a record. Check it out.

*”Eat it, Harvey” is a tribute to the great newsman Richard Thornburg, who famously told his anchor Harvey to “Eat it” while begging for a news truck to go check out the situation at Nakatomi just seconds before Harvey went on air. I feel that balancing a Godzilla figurine on my head while holding a photo of Kurt Russell in an attempt to set a world record embodies the spirit of Thornburg. Thank you.

cory godzilla

Also, show this picture during my funeral slideshow. Whenever that may be. Without context.

COFFEE WITH CORY HOW TO: Taking the Perfect Back to School Photo

It’s been far too long since I posted something on here. I was asked by one of the anchors on Good Day: “Can you do a segment on taking a perfect Back to School photo?”

How to take the perfect back to school photo? Hmmmm. A wonderful assignment. An important one. One that I took very seriously.

So to the four or so people that read/watch this stuff, here’s what I came up with:

Kicking off the Phone Case Revolution with My New Invention

People have some stupid ideas, but the other day I saw one of the stupidest: A 22-pound dumbbell phone case.

3

Yeah. This thing is being sold by a company in Japan and while the dude modeling it looks nice enough (and jacked, surely due solely to his 22-pound weight curls he does while browsing for supplements and looking at Instagram photos of himself in bodybuilding competitions), there’s no way carrying around your phone while it’s attached to a 22-pound dumbbell is in anyway convenient.

But was I missing something here? Was this an opportunity? I decided to go that route and look at it as a way to enter the emerging market of phone cases. That Japanese company sold at least one (maybe).

I bet I could invent a cool and totally useful phone case and sell at least two!

Here’s what I came up with: The Coffee With Cory Colander Phone Case!

 

There’s a hair in my Frigo CheeseHead Original String Cheese Stick!

UPDATE: May 8, 2018

It’s been eight days since I notified Frigo Cheese Heads on Facebook that I found a hair (possibly multiple hairs) in my Frigo CheeseHead Original String Cheese Stick. 

I have not heard back. 

Which, looking at their page, they’ve responded to others with the same concern, but have chosen to ignore me. I’m willing to accept that possibly their social media manager is on vacation. Perhaps in Italy learning how to make cheese without hair in it. But I’ve decided to keep them updated on the progress we’ve made. Namely, the amount of time that has passed since I bit into a hair with some cheese around it. 

frigo cheese stick day counter2.jpg

 

Monday started out a little shaky for me. I found a hair in my Frigo CheeseHead Original String Cheese Stick!

After much contemplation, I decided to let them know about it, but not to complain, just to ease the mind of a worried Frigo CheeseHead factory worker.

Here is my letter to Frigo:

Dear Frigo,
This morning I was excited to have one of your Frigo CheeseHead Original String cheese snacks for breakfast, as I do most mornings. People sometimes say things like “I was excited to ____” but don’t actually mean it. I mean it. I was filled with excitement that I was about to peel open one of your cheese sticks and devour it as sustenance for my morning at work. To be honest, it’s the best part of my morning. That’s sincere.
I bite into them. I don’t peel them away and eat them string by string. I hope you don’t hold this savagery against me.
This morning’s cheese snack was tainted by an unexpected addition to the usual tastiness that is a Frigo Cheese Head Cheese Stick: A hair.
I took a bite of cheese, and after about 4 or 5 chews, I couldn’t help but notice there WAS a string in my cheese. A string of hair.
Was it mine? Was it embedded in the cheese? I had no time to contemplate those questions. I had to get it out.
So I jammed my fingers into my mouth to retrieve the hair.
After several unsuccessful attempts to locate it, I finally did and was able to snag it.
As I held it up to the light, my brain recognized that there was still cheese in my mouth that needed chewing. So while examining the hair under the harsh fluorescent lights of my work, I continued to involuntarily chew the remaining cheese in my mouth.
But there was a problem: More hair.
Now we could be dealing with multiple hairs in my cheese stick, but I put forth that it was just one hair that I had bitten into parts.
I say “parts” because while I was able to successfully grab the second hair, I’m still pretty sure there is a tiny bit still stuck to the back of my throat, despite my best efforts to retrieve it (efforts that included nearly vomiting twice from shoving my fingers so far down my throat). it remains there even as I type this.
I tried to match up the two parts I was able to retrieve to see if they were indeed from the same strand of hair, but without a microscope, I’m unable to determine if the two pieces go together.
You might be saying, “Well, Cory, have you thought that it could be YOUR hair?”
I did ponder that. However, after further thought, there are some problems with that assessment.
1.) While I can admit that my hair is not as thick and strong as it used to be in my younger years, the sequence of events that would have needed to happen for the hair to be mine would be unrealistic. First, I was about 90 minutes removed from having showered and styled my hair for the day. I use Baxter of California clay pomade and that stuff is wonderful for keeping even the thinnest of hair in place. That I can attest to. In fact, may I recommend some sort of mutually beneficial partnership with Frigo and Baxter in the future? “Baxter of California: We’ll keep your hair out of your cheese stick!” or “Frigo CheeseHeads: The perfect snack for your perfectly styled and strong Baxter of California hair!” That’s a different conversation, I suppose.
Anyway, As I opened the cheese stick, with my head straight, forward, and steady, the hair would’ve had to have miraculously been jarred loose from the other millions of finely sculpted hairs without cause or provocation, and fallen DIRECTLY on my now exposed Frigo CheeseHead Original String cheese stick without my knowledge, and then consumed. This just doesn’t seem likely to me.
2.) While I am due for a haircut, the two hairs put together (theoretically) form a hair longer than any of the longest hairs on my head. So could it have been TWO of my hairs? Look, I’ve already established how that wasn’t possible with one hair, now you’re going to tell me TWO of my hairs fell perfectly into place in the scenario laid out in the previous point? To quote Macaulay Culkin: “I don’t think so.” Let’s not forget there’s a third piece to this puzzle still stuck in my throat.
I think I’ve presented sufficient evidence that the hair was definitely embedded INSIDE the Frigo CheeseHead Original String cheese stick, which means it definitely didn’t come from me.
There are a few David Blaine scenarios that could put the hair from my head inside the Frigo CheeseHead Original String cheese stick. I’ve seen him put playing cards in some pretty impossible places, but I checked, and David Blaine was nowhere near me at the time of my cheese stick breakfast. Although I will admit, the laws of space and time don’t apply to David Blaine, so yeah, that is a possibility I’m willing to leave on the table.
I didn’t save the hair pieces (what am I, a sicko?), so DNA testing is probably out of the question (unless I can get this third piece out from the back of my throat), but the point of all of this, and the reason for writing, is… could you please ask one of your employees if they are missing a hair?
If so, again, I can’t return it to them, but I’d just like them to know that it has been located and they can stop looking for it.
Thank you for your time. I still have one more Frigo CheeseHead cheese stick to eat this morning (super excited), and I’ll let you know if that one also has any hair in it, and if so, I’ll be sure to save this one so I can return it to its rightful owner.
Thanks for listening!
A loyal CheeseHead (cheese stick eater, not a Packer Fan. Go Birds)

Cory Howard.

After post the letter, I noticed 10 days ago, someone else had a simliar experience! Not to mention a lady who commented on that post that she couldn’t even OPEN her Frigo CheeseHead cheese stick!