Who can help me get ‘Crow Cops’ financed?

There’s a Dutch company looking to put Crows to work. I say, “Why Not?… but why stop there?” Crows are extremely intelligent and if they’ll work so cheap, let’s get them doing more things for us!

This is a great idea by CrowdedCities.comand a great start. And while cleaning our planet is a noble cause, I feel like we can get these crows doing other things for us.

But mostly, this is just a pitch to get my sitcom “Crow Cops” green-lit by someone. Any takers? Contact me for more.

For now, here’s more info on what this company is doing and how I think we can expand.

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CRAYON NEWS: A Brilliant (?) Plan to Catch Some Mail Thieves Backfires

“Caught the wrong person.”

Nicolas didn’t show any remorse when his strategically placed mousetrap caught the wrong person getting into his mailbox.

Nicolas thought either the drug dealers across the street or the woman who runs a house of prostitution was stealing his mail. So he hatched a plan. A bad plan. And now he has to deal with the consequences.

The rest of the tale told through my artistic talents (?) here:

 

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Own Moldy Mickey Mouse for only $31K… and other cool items for much cheaper

I’ve recently developed a bad habit of playing the lottery. I know that I’m not going to win, but as it was so eloquently put in a recent episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, it’s just the hope that the ticket represents. Shelling out $5 a week for the hope of becoming a millionaire in my back pocket is worth it to me. 

But perhaps I’m fishing in the wrong hole for my dreams of wealth. Perhaps I need to look no further than the back of my fridge – or in my desk drawer – because there is a guy selling a moldy sandwich on eBay for $31,000. 

As Rick Harrison from Pawn Stars would say, “That’s what they’re selling it for or that’s what they’re getting for it?” 

Shut up, Rick. I know your game and I know when a piece of mold is worth more money than my truck. I bet if I told you it was once in the field bag of General Ambrose Burnside during the Civil War you’d appreciate it. 

But this sandwich currently up for grabs wasn’t owned by some famous General. It simply sprouted some mold in the shape of a familiar cartoon. One you’ve probably seen on TV or in your pancakes: Mickey Mouse. 

“Miracle Tuna sandwich, mold naturally grown on the sandwich is shaped like Mickey Mouse and is truly one of a kind! Sandwhich is frozen for preservation,” the listing says

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The insane seller says he’ll donate half of the money to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital if it sells. That’s nice. A worthy cause. But you’re still making out with more than $15,000 for having nothing more than a sandwich that kinda resembles that annoying mouse. 

Hard work and perseverance are not the way to wealth. Unfortunately, it isn’t looking like the lottery is either. Moldy sandwiches are the next big thing. Buy as much stock in them as you can! 

I’ve recently purchased three loaves of bread and set them up in a hot and humid environment in hopes that at least one of the pieces of bread begins to sport some resemblance to someone famous. If a cartoon mouse can get $31K, imagine what I could get for a moldy Kim Kardashian sandwich? Or a green and fuzzy portrait of the late, great Bill Paxton? 

Until those items come to fruition, I need to supplement my inevitable income with other unique items. Here are a few off-the-wall things I’m peddling right now. 

First, this hairy banana. I peeled this banana a few days ago and forgot to eat it. Happens all the time. Next thing I know, it’s growing hair! So here’s a hairy banana to add to your collection… for only $7! Buy it and start a band named “Hairy Banana” and use it as your mascot. Or your first album cover. If you do that, I need a cut of the profits. 30/70 at least. We can talk about that. 

Hairy Banana Merchandise is already up and going! Get yours HERE!

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Hairy Banana. How did that happen? Is that Sasquatch hair? Maybe. Maybe it’s Bloodhound hair. You won’t know until you buy it!

Next up is a bag of hair! But not just any hair. I was told by the gentlemen who sold this to me that it was magical Sasquatch hair! It hasn’t done much magic for me. It just sits int he bag, though I haven’t really tried to get any kind of magic out of it yet. I’m not looking to scam anyone on this item and really just am looking to break even, so if you want it, I need to get back at least what I put in to it. $8000. Firm. 

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Magical Sasquatch hair! Paid $8000, need to get that back. Firm.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Come on, Cory. Hair and bananas aren’t the financial future of the free world. I got to have mold.” Well, you’re in luck. The next item doesn’t looking like anyone famous, but it is a moldy piece of bread. Due to the fact that it is just mold and doesn’t hold any sort of sentimental value, I’ll let it go for only $5, instead of $31,000. And if you buy one moldy piece of bread, I’ll throw in another for free! That’s TWO pieces of moldy bread for the price of one! Try beating that value at any of the big, fat cat corporate mold dealers. My mold is farm to table. Organic. 

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But wait, if you’re here to buy something that looks like someone, check this out. I bought this tortilla and quickly realized it resembled acting great Mark Wahlberg! The tortilla is mold free at the moment, BUT if you buy it now, that means it can only go up in value once the mold begins to grow! Slap it on your face and watch the look on your friends’ faces when they suddenly say, “Whoa, where’d my friend go and how am I now hanging out with Mark Wahlberg?!” 

Buy it now for only $3 and watch your investment grow to $50,000 in just a couple of weeks! Probably. I don’t know. If Mickey Mouse mold is selling for $31,000, imagine what Mark Wahlberg mold will sell for! It’s really an investment in your financial future. 

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“Say hi to your mother for me.”

Hit me up on my Facebook page if you’re interested in buying any of these items. 

Solving United Airline’s Image Problem – A Four Step Plan

There are bad weeks and then there are United Airlines bad weeks.

I don’t want to recap everything that happened in the course of 7 days to the folks over at United, as I’m sure you already know, but it goes without saying that forcibly (that’s a kind term) removing a passenger from a flight and knocking him and his two front teeth out in the process, and then having a scorpion sting a passenger all in the span of a few days is… a bad week. A public relations nightmare.

Unless you have the right public relations team in place. Which, United cleared does (did?) not.

Taking three tries before even offering something that resembled an apology to the man who was publicly beaten is unacceptable. It’s beyond repair, honestly. It’s not a public relations problem anymore. Now it’s a humanity problem.

But one you can recover from, United. If you have the right people in place. People such as myself. I have the solution. I have the answer of how you can get your customers back.

United is not surprisingly looking for new PR specialists, so here’s my unsolicited job interview that includes my four-step plan to getting back in the good graces of the American public and ultimately, the world.

If you don’t like watching videos, or don’t know how to watch, here’s my plan in text form for your reading pleasure.

People aren’t dumb. Well, okay, some are. A lot are. But most people can sniff out insincerity from a mile away like some sort of sincerity bloodhound. People don’t respond to “We’re sorry” anymore. Especially when you’re on your third attempt. Actions. Actions speak louder than words (and I’m a man with great experience), so you must act. Not talk.

First, free stuff. I suggest cake, but it could be anything. Offering up free cake, pizza or alcohol on flights will bring people back. And don’t hide the cost in your fare prices. You’ve got to spend money to make this work and unfortunately, after the latest scandals, you’re going to have to bite the bullet and spend a lot of it.

Secondly, more free stuff. Give us our checked bags for free. Stop nickle and diming us every chance you get. I flew United once and on top of paying for my checked bag, they then wanted to charge me for it being 2 pounds overweight! Yet for some reason, when I took those two pounds our of my bag and put them in my wife’s underweight bag, the charge disappeared. WHY? The exact same weight went on the plane! It’s just another excuse to squeeze an extra $25 out of me. And don’t tell me it’s for  the sake of baggage handlers. Those are strong, tough folks who won’t blink at an extra two pounds over their minimally required 50. No more charging for checked bags. I know this will hurt your bottom line, but sacrifices must be made to bring people back.

I would say that top executive heads should roll after this, and perhaps after some half-assed apologies from your CEO, they should. But I also know that telling the boss of a company they should be fired during a job interview is no way to get hired. So I will not suggest that Mr. Munoz should step down. This is the time for him to step up and show the country he’s making real change. Not the kind that politicians promise. Actual change.

How do we make that change work for us?

Ah, glad you asked.

This is where it gets really interesting, yet absolutely necessary.

Daily lotteries.

You collect thousands of fares every day. My plan entails taking out a penny, a dime, a dollar… whatever, out of every fare you collect, put that in a pot and have daily lotteries. A passenger’s ticket is their entry. Every day, you hold daily lotteries where random people are singled out – in a good way – as winners of the jackpot!

Think about it. People have many choices when flying (your attendants using remind us of this at the conclusion of our flights), but what makes them pick one over the other are the perks. And I can’t think of any better perks than free food, free checked bags and the chance to win thousands, if not millions, of dollars, simply by clicking that United tab when booking my flight.

And finally, and this is probably the easiest step to execute: be people. Be real people who actually care about other people. If you screw up, admit it, genuinely apologize, explain a plan to never let it happen again and move on. If that doesn’t work, repeat steps 1-3.