I set my own World Record. Eat it, Harvey.

As a kid, the Guinness Book of World Records was my jam. The 1991 version, before they sold out. They didn’t actually sell out. That just sounded cool to say.

As a kid, setting a record seemed like a huge deal. As an adult, it’s easy to see it’s just a matter of following a formula:

Take something normal + Doing something with it abnormal an absurd amount of times or for an extended period of time + be the first to do it = World Record Holder.

Or you could just be born with a specific genetic disposition. Be really tall. Be really overweight. Be really small. Don’t ever clip your fingernails and be really old. Eventually, you’ll break that record.

If you aren’t fortunate to be 743 pounds with the ability to ride a motorcycle, just follow the formula. Like I did on Good Day when I became the first person in history to balance a Godzilla figurine who was wearing a tuxedo on my head while holding an 8″x10″ photo of one of my heroes, Kurt Russell, while telling viewers about other people setting records.

I’m not exactly sure how long I went for, but I definitely set a record. Check it out.

*”Eat it, Harvey” is a tribute to the great newsman Richard Thornburg, who famously told his anchor Harvey to “Eat it” while begging for a news truck to go check out the situation at Nakatomi just seconds before Harvey went on air. I feel that balancing a Godzilla figurine on my head while holding a photo of Kurt Russell in an attempt to set a world record embodies the spirit of Thornburg. Thank you.

cory godzilla

Also, show this picture during my funeral slideshow. Whenever that may be. Without context.

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COFFEE WITH CORY HOW TO: Taking the Perfect Back to School Photo

It’s been far too long since I posted something on here. I was asked by one of the anchors on Good Day: “Can you do a segment on taking a perfect Back to School photo?”

How to take the perfect back to school photo? Hmmmm. A wonderful assignment. An important one. One that I took very seriously.

So to the four or so people that read/watch this stuff, here’s what I came up with:

Kicking off the Phone Case Revolution with My New Invention

People have some stupid ideas, but the other day I saw one of the stupidest: A 22-pound dumbbell phone case.

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Yeah. This thing is being sold by a company in Japan and while the dude modeling it looks nice enough (and jacked, surely due solely to his 22-pound weight curls he does while browsing for supplements and looking at Instagram photos of himself in bodybuilding competitions), there’s no way carrying around your phone while it’s attached to a 22-pound dumbbell is in anyway convenient.

But was I missing something here? Was this an opportunity? I decided to go that route and look at it as a way to enter the emerging market of phone cases. That Japanese company sold at least one (maybe).

I bet I could invent a cool and totally useful phone case and sell at least two!

Here’s what I came up with: The Coffee With Cory Colander Phone Case!

 

There’s a hair in my Frigo CheeseHead Original String Cheese Stick!

UPDATE: May 8, 2018

It’s been eight days since I notified Frigo Cheese Heads on Facebook that I found a hair (possibly multiple hairs) in my Frigo CheeseHead Original String Cheese Stick. 

I have not heard back. 

Which, looking at their page, they’ve responded to others with the same concern, but have chosen to ignore me. I’m willing to accept that possibly their social media manager is on vacation. Perhaps in Italy learning how to make cheese without hair in it. But I’ve decided to keep them updated on the progress we’ve made. Namely, the amount of time that has passed since I bit into a hair with some cheese around it. 

frigo cheese stick day counter2.jpg

 

Monday started out a little shaky for me. I found a hair in my Frigo CheeseHead Original String Cheese Stick!

After much contemplation, I decided to let them know about it, but not to complain, just to ease the mind of a worried Frigo CheeseHead factory worker.

Here is my letter to Frigo:

Dear Frigo,
This morning I was excited to have one of your Frigo CheeseHead Original String cheese snacks for breakfast, as I do most mornings. People sometimes say things like “I was excited to ____” but don’t actually mean it. I mean it. I was filled with excitement that I was about to peel open one of your cheese sticks and devour it as sustenance for my morning at work. To be honest, it’s the best part of my morning. That’s sincere.
I bite into them. I don’t peel them away and eat them string by string. I hope you don’t hold this savagery against me.
This morning’s cheese snack was tainted by an unexpected addition to the usual tastiness that is a Frigo Cheese Head Cheese Stick: A hair.
I took a bite of cheese, and after about 4 or 5 chews, I couldn’t help but notice there WAS a string in my cheese. A string of hair.
Was it mine? Was it embedded in the cheese? I had no time to contemplate those questions. I had to get it out.
So I jammed my fingers into my mouth to retrieve the hair.
After several unsuccessful attempts to locate it, I finally did and was able to snag it.
As I held it up to the light, my brain recognized that there was still cheese in my mouth that needed chewing. So while examining the hair under the harsh fluorescent lights of my work, I continued to involuntarily chew the remaining cheese in my mouth.
But there was a problem: More hair.
Now we could be dealing with multiple hairs in my cheese stick, but I put forth that it was just one hair that I had bitten into parts.
I say “parts” because while I was able to successfully grab the second hair, I’m still pretty sure there is a tiny bit still stuck to the back of my throat, despite my best efforts to retrieve it (efforts that included nearly vomiting twice from shoving my fingers so far down my throat). it remains there even as I type this.
I tried to match up the two parts I was able to retrieve to see if they were indeed from the same strand of hair, but without a microscope, I’m unable to determine if the two pieces go together.
You might be saying, “Well, Cory, have you thought that it could be YOUR hair?”
I did ponder that. However, after further thought, there are some problems with that assessment.
1.) While I can admit that my hair is not as thick and strong as it used to be in my younger years, the sequence of events that would have needed to happen for the hair to be mine would be unrealistic. First, I was about 90 minutes removed from having showered and styled my hair for the day. I use Baxter of California clay pomade and that stuff is wonderful for keeping even the thinnest of hair in place. That I can attest to. In fact, may I recommend some sort of mutually beneficial partnership with Frigo and Baxter in the future? “Baxter of California: We’ll keep your hair out of your cheese stick!” or “Frigo CheeseHeads: The perfect snack for your perfectly styled and strong Baxter of California hair!” That’s a different conversation, I suppose.
Anyway, As I opened the cheese stick, with my head straight, forward, and steady, the hair would’ve had to have miraculously been jarred loose from the other millions of finely sculpted hairs without cause or provocation, and fallen DIRECTLY on my now exposed Frigo CheeseHead Original String cheese stick without my knowledge, and then consumed. This just doesn’t seem likely to me.
2.) While I am due for a haircut, the two hairs put together (theoretically) form a hair longer than any of the longest hairs on my head. So could it have been TWO of my hairs? Look, I’ve already established how that wasn’t possible with one hair, now you’re going to tell me TWO of my hairs fell perfectly into place in the scenario laid out in the previous point? To quote Macaulay Culkin: “I don’t think so.” Let’s not forget there’s a third piece to this puzzle still stuck in my throat.
I think I’ve presented sufficient evidence that the hair was definitely embedded INSIDE the Frigo CheeseHead Original String cheese stick, which means it definitely didn’t come from me.
There are a few David Blaine scenarios that could put the hair from my head inside the Frigo CheeseHead Original String cheese stick. I’ve seen him put playing cards in some pretty impossible places, but I checked, and David Blaine was nowhere near me at the time of my cheese stick breakfast. Although I will admit, the laws of space and time don’t apply to David Blaine, so yeah, that is a possibility I’m willing to leave on the table.
I didn’t save the hair pieces (what am I, a sicko?), so DNA testing is probably out of the question (unless I can get this third piece out from the back of my throat), but the point of all of this, and the reason for writing, is… could you please ask one of your employees if they are missing a hair?
If so, again, I can’t return it to them, but I’d just like them to know that it has been located and they can stop looking for it.
Thank you for your time. I still have one more Frigo CheeseHead cheese stick to eat this morning (super excited), and I’ll let you know if that one also has any hair in it, and if so, I’ll be sure to save this one so I can return it to its rightful owner.
Thanks for listening!
A loyal CheeseHead (cheese stick eater, not a Packer Fan. Go Birds)

Cory Howard.

After post the letter, I noticed 10 days ago, someone else had a simliar experience! Not to mention a lady who commented on that post that she couldn’t even OPEN her Frigo CheeseHead cheese stick!

 

Uranus smells like farts and rotten eggs

*To be read aloud ONLY*

“Uranus smells like farts and rotten eggs.” 

Take a moment to collect yourself. I’ll wait. 

Ok. 

There’s actual science to be learned here, apparently. 

Researchers have found that much of the upper atmosphere of Uranus is hydrogen sulfide. That’s farts. Basically. 

It’s the smell you get when someone lets loose a good one on the Wednesday after Taco Tuesday. 

“If an unfortunate human were ever to descend through Uranus’s clouds, they would be met with very unpleasant and odiferous conditions,” Patrick Irwin from the University of Oxford, one of the study’s authors, said in a news release. 

However, if you happen to find yourself descending toward Uranus, take comfort that suffocation and exposure in the -200 degrees Celsius atmosphere made of mostly hydrogen, helium, and methane would take care of you long before the smell would. 

Scientists “smelled” the atmosphere using data from the Gemini North telescope in Hawaii. Some scientists apparently thought Uranus had high concentrations of hydrogen sulfide, others believed Uranus would contain ammonia, like Jupiter and Saturn. 

So, there you go. Uranus stinks. 

 

Seagulls and Pepperoni: A Tale as Old As Time

A guy named Nick from Canada recently shared a story on Facebook about how he had been banned from a hotel due to an incident that involved seagulls and a suitcase full of pepperoni.

It happened in 2001, which means there’s no viral video that goes with it for me to share. However, as I do in any situation like this, I improvised and brought back a Coffee With Cory orignal segment: Crayon News.

Enjoy!

And if you just want to see the tale told through awesome crayon drawings I did without any context… here you go!

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Alpaca, who serves as seeing-eye alpaca for his blind brother, stolen in New Zealand

New Zealand seems like a lovely country that pretty much keeps to itself. Sounds great. I know very little about the country. I’m going to admit that first and foremost.

Things I (think I) know about New Zealand:

  • I know it’s next to Australia and New Zealanders hate being called Australian.
  • I know for some reason New Zealanders are referred to as Kiwis. Is it a derogatory term? I’m not sure. If it is, I’m sorry. Wikipedia says it’s a source of pride, New Zealand Geographic says it’s offensive. I don’t know.
  • I also know Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement, the Flight of the Conchords, are from there.
  • I’m 87% sure the Lord of the Rings movies were filmed there. I’ve never seen them. I don’t know. Some guy told me that once.
  • It’s impossible to paddle to New Zealand from Bells Beach, Australia. At least during the 50-year storm.

That’s it.

However, this week I learned they also take the theft of Alpacas very seriously. We have some serious issues here in America that we are focused on, and unfortunately, alpaca theft is a little low on the list of things we are looking to solve.

In New Zealand, however, they take alpaca theft very seriously.

 

The North Shore, Rodney West Aukland Police Department has detectives working in shifts (probably) to find out who stole Charisma the Alpaca from a paddock.

“Come on, people. We need to find this alpaca,” an officer gently pleads on a video the department posted to their Facebook page that I found way too hilarious. “For the sake of the family, and for the sake of this little guy,” the same officer concluded while petting another alpaca.

Oh, I didn’t tell you about that alpaca? Charisma, the stolen alpaca, acted as a seeing-eye alpaca for his alpaca brother, Bambi, who is blind!

And since the theft of Charisma, Bambi has been depressed and unable to navigate his enclosed field without his brother!

There isn’t a whole lot we can do here in America to help, unfortunately. We all know the international alpaca trafficking network knows no borders, so you can certainly keep an eye out for anyone selling an alpaca from New Zealand.

How do you know if an alpaca is from New Zealand? The alpaca’s accent, of course.

Good luck to the North Shore, Rodney West Aukland Police Department in their search for Charisma! If there’s anything I can do to help, please let me know. Alpaca my bags and head right down!