Who can help me get ‘Crow Cops’ financed?

There’s a Dutch company looking to put Crows to work. I say, “Why Not?… but why stop there?” Crows are extremely intelligent and if they’ll work so cheap, let’s get them doing more things for us!

This is a great idea by CrowdedCities.comand a great start. And while cleaning our planet is a noble cause, I feel like we can get these crows doing other things for us.

But mostly, this is just a pitch to get my sitcom “Crow Cops” green-lit by someone. Any takers? Contact me for more.

For now, here’s more info on what this company is doing and how I think we can expand.

Advertisements

My family photo session went a little better than this family’s… but just a little.

Family photos are certainly important. Not so much for the whole keeping memories aspect of them, but for letting you know how not cool you used to look.

Rat tails and MC Hammer pants were not apparently as cool as I thought when I was a kid. Though, I’ll be honest, it’d be fun to resurrect that look – if only for a day.

No matter how cool you thought you looked at one time in your life, family photos will prove you wrong every single time.

Pam and Dave Zaring wanted to get some photos taken of their beautiful family, so Pam found someone who said they’d do it for $250.

You get what you pay for. Pam found that out and posted the final result on Facebook, stressing, it was not a joke.

Now, I’m not professional photographer, but if this is the quality of work that comes with that price, sign me up, because I can take photos just as good, if not better, all day long.

1

Facebook/Pam Dave Zaring

2

Facebook/Pam Dave Zaring

3

Facebook/Pam Dave Zaring

4

Facebook/Pam Dave Zaring

5

Facebook/Pam Dave Zaring

6

Facebook/Pam Dave Zaring

Pam insists on Facebook that these photos are not a joke. Though, if you head to the photographer’s Facebook page, you’ll notice the theme is consistent. But again, Pam says this is totally real and not fake.

Her post has been shared more than 400,000 times.

I get it though, Pam. You want to save a few bucks. Family photos are expensive. My wife and I did the same thing last summer for our first ever family photo shoot with our new son, Hudson.

Of course, when we got the final product we all ended up looking like characters from Duck Tales (Woo Hoo), but overall, I’m extremely happy with how they turned out.

DUCK TALES 2DUCK TALES 3DUCK TALES 4DUCK TALES

Bruce Wayne Eats Chipotle Every Day For 430+ Days In A Row

“Holy Guacamole, Batman!”

“Guac is $1.80 extra, Robin!”

A man in Ohio has set a new record by eating Chipotle for 426 days in a row.

His name?

Bruce Wayne.

First, let’s ignore the obvious question about eating Chipotle for more than a year straight. ChipotleAway, anyone?

chipotlaway

Let’s also ignore the fact that there was an actual record to break in the first place. Somebody prior to Mr. Wayne set the record by eating at Chipotle for 425 days straight. What went down to see that streak come to an end? Perhaps, actual streaks. Again, ChipotleAway, anyone?

And let’s ignore the fact that the guy’s name is Bruce Wayne. I can’t say for certain he was born with that name, but if so, he’s certainly embraced it. Hell, maybe he is Bruce Wayne?

Remember at the end of The Dark Knight Rises, we see Bruce enjoying an espresso in some European cafe?

There’s been a lot of theories about the ending. Was it real? Was it a dream? I present the argument: Was that cafe actually a Chipotle? (No. It wasn’t.)

*Side Note: If it was real, which Christian Bale says it was, what an absolutely sleazeball move by Bruce Wayne! Alfred thinks his friend, someone he’s known since Wayne was literally a baby, is dead. Then in the healing process,  Alfred decides to take some time to travel and enjoy retirement from spending 50 years of his life serving someone else.

Then out of the millions and millions of people living in Italy, while sitting sadly by himself, he sees his friend, the man he’s cried so many tears over i failed you just mere feet away from him, and Bruce simply gives him a little head nod like he’s reluctantly thanking some wasted divorcée who sent him a drink in a crowded Applebee’s?

alfred sitting by himself

“Just sitting here, lonely, in an Italian cafe by myself at a table for four with literally no one to talk to because I don’t speak Italian. Wait, is that… is that my best friend and master who I thought was dead, Bruce Wayne over there?”

christian bale

“Oh hey guy who wiped my butt as a baby and spent the next 30+ years getting me anything I needed at any time of day, even on holidays and weekends, while also keeping my massive secret that I’m a part-time vigilante crime fighter who dresses up as a bat… what’s up?”

That’s it? No invite over to the table to meet his new cat girlfriend? No dramatic speed walk over to the table?

“Oh My God, Alfred! So good to see you! Sorry for making you think I was dead!” while sharing a manly embrace?

Major a-hole move, Bruce.

OK, all of that aside. Back to burritos.

Was Bruce so tired of being Batman that he faked his own death so he could live out the rest of his days eating burritos? Maybe. Christian Bale hasn’t returned my messages.

Let’s also ignore the fact that the Bruce Wayne in Tiffin, Ohio is living that reality. The guy likes burritos and has eaten at the chain for 430 days straight and counting. He even planned out days when they were closed by ordering ahead.

This guy documented all of this on Instagram as proof that he did it.

You know when your friends take pictures of their food and think that everyone needs to see it? This guy has done that 430 days in a row! And he’s got 1400+ people following him!

1400+ people who open their feeds every day and annoyingly say, “Oh, let’s see what Bruce posted… oh. Another burrito. Good for you, Bruce.”

But it’s not the streaks, it’s not the fact that there was a record to break in the first place, it’s not the fact that he shares his name with dudes who like snub their life-long friends who thought they were dead and defied all odds by running into them by chance out of billions of people living on the planet, and it’s not the fact that he posted a picture of every burrito he ate in the past 15 months.

burritos

So many burritos. PHOTO: Instagram/mrwaynethebat

Here’s what interests me.

Bruce went to Chipotle every day. Ordered a burrito. Let’s be kind and say he spent $10 every day. Bruce spent $4300 at Chipotle to break the record. I understand he might think he’s billionaire, but that money could’ve been spent somewhere else. That’s a 2003 Honda Accord! But he chose to spend it at Chipotle.

And Chipotle rewarded him generously. They gave Mr. Wayne a cape (yeah, a cape) and some cuff links.

chipotle bruce wayne 2

“That’s it?” you might be thinking.

Well they also took that money he spent at their restaurant and decided not to buy a Honda Accord with it, but to donate it to a non-profit of Bruce’s choice. No word on which non-profit he chose, but may I suggest one that helps out retired butlers who wasted the best years of their lives catering to spoiled rich boys?

(Unrelated, but typing the word Guacamole made me think of it, check out my friend Bill’s blog, Guakward. Or don’t. I don’t care.)

 

Something About This Guy’s Story Stinks. *Hint: His Farts. It’s His Farts.

It’s Friday and if you’re sitting at your computer right now a little melancholy because you haven’t seen any stories about suspected criminals using the power of farts to get them out of an interview with police, then I’m about to make your week a whole lot better and turn that frown upside down. 

On September 1, 24-year-old Sean Sykes Jr., of Kansas City, Missouri, was pulled over. Police found a backpack that contained drugs and two guns, one of them was reported as stolen. 

 

Like most suspected criminals, denied knowing anything about them. Police did not take him at his word. They brought him downtown for some questioning. 

This is where things took a turn for the worse. For the police. 

There was something about Sykes’ story that didn’t add up. Something wasn’t right. Something smelled fishy. 

Turns out, if something did smell fishy it had nothing to do with Sykes’ story, but more likely what he had for lunch. 

While being interrogated, detectives asked Sykes for his address, presumably at the beginning of the interview. 

His answer? 

“Mr. Sykes leaned to one side of his chair and released a loud fart before answering with the address,” a detective noted in his report. 

Image result for that's a bold strategy cotton gif

Sykes’ decision to rip farts instead of answering questions did pay off for him. Detectives couldn’t take it anymore. 

“Mr. Sykes continued to be flatulent and I ended the interview,” the detective wrote.

Charges. Were. Not. Filed! (At the time.) 

However, Skyes was pulled over again on November 5 and must’ve ran out of gas or at least come across a detective with the sense of smell of Dewey Cox, because this time he was arrested for possession of marijuana, crack and… a stolen gun. 

He was out of farts and out of chances.

Based on the two incidents, Sykes was charged in U.S. District Court for possession with intent to sell cocaine and being a felon in possession of three firearms, two of which were reported stolen.

He was arrested and made his first appearance on Monday. 

Thoughts and prayers to Mr. Sykes’ cellmate. 

 

TUTORIAL: How To Take Pictures (So They’ll Look Good On TV)

While putting together a Winter Weather Special for  the station, one of our Executive Producers came up to me and asked if I’d do a piece on submitting the best pictures for TV and social media.

I don’t know? I’m no photography expert, but I do see A LOT of viewer pictures when the snow begins to fly (usually of patio furniture).

So I reluctantly forged ahead and put together this infomercial on how to take the best pictures for TV.

Enjoy.

 

NASA Needs Help Naming A Celestial Object – Maybe This Time They’ll Listen To Me

Here we are again. I feel like a broken record, but I have no choice.

Someone is turning to the internet to name something and it’s someone that should know better, because they’re super smart!

NASA – the same folks that put us in space, put us on the moon, and have sent probes all over our solar system – they’re asking the same people who wanted to name a boat “Boaty McBoatface” to help them name an object 4 billion miles away.

This is it (kinda). This is an artist’s conception of what this thing looks like.

mu69

You’ll remember NASA’s New Horizons probe zipped past Pluto (It’s still a planet to me, damn it!) in 2015. Well it’s still going and in two years it will fly by past this thing,
and NASA says it needs a name.

Actually it already has a name. It needs a good name. Right now they call it 2014 MU69 (Potentially also my license plate). That’s a stupid name. They need something a little more relatable.

So they are asking for your help.

But wait, wait – NASA is smart!

They’ve set it up so they will avoid a “Space Rock McSpace Rockface” situation. They’ve learned from others’ mistakes.

NASA will take your stupid suggestion, but ultimately they will have the final say.

However, they at least seem open to something a little less traditional. These are some of the names you can vote for right now.

  • Z’ha’dum (fictional planet at the edge of the galaxy)
  • Año Nuevo (“New Year” in Spanish)

But you see other than the nuts, many of these are too hard to pronounce.

So I’m throwing this out there, and this is a 100 percent true story.

When I was a kid, probably 12-years-old, I looked up at the Moon one night and I thought, “The moon doesn’t have a name does it?”

All of the other planets and moons in our solar system have names, but ours is just “The Moon.”

So little Cory wrote a letter to NASA and asked about it, and if it didn’t have a name, if I could name it.

My suggestion?

“Steve.”

THE MOON STEVE

Think about it. It’s simple and easy to remember.

You’d go out on a clear summer night, look up at Steve and say “Man, Steve is full and bright tonight!*

NASA never wrote me back.

So I’ll throw it out again – MU69, out by Pluto, vote for Steve.

If you don’t like “Steve,” and think you have a better name, you can submit nominations here, and vote for nominations here (Again, vote for Steve.)

 

It’s a Funny Word, But This Is No Laughing Matter

*Warning: This article contains gratuitous use of the word “Butthole,” but it’s for a good cause. I promise. I think. Probably. 

Every morning I come into work and begin scouring the internet for stories. Hard news, soft fluffy pieces, and everything in between.

On Wednesday morning, still suffering from a candy hangover (or a literal hangover from my weekend in Denver. Not sure.), there was one headline that caught my eye. Mostly, because it contained one of my favorite words of all time:

Butthole.

Butthole is a funny word. It’s fun to say. I’m 34-years-old and it still makes me chuckle like I’m 8-years-old again.

But what author or journalist would use it in their headline (besides an awesome one)? It’s not a curse word, but it’s also not a word I’d get away with saying on T.V. (Which is why I’m writing about it here instead of delighting you all with it on Coffee With Cory)

Anus is probably what I’d have to say, and while funny in itself, “anus” has been watered down by years and years of solar system Uranus jokes. It just doesn’t pack the punch of “butthole.”

So when I saw “Tiny Kitten ‘Needs A Butthole'” as a headline I immediately became interested. Actually, I immediately laughed out loud. Not like when you straight-faced text “LOL” to your friends, but actually laughed out loud.

Laughter turned to interest, interest turned concern.

Who was this kitten? Why did she not have a butthole? Every living creature deserves a butthole. PETA and I don’t always agree on everything, but I think it’s safe to say we agree on that.

 

The kitten is a newborn named “Cluck.”

Cluck was rescued from the streets of L.A. with her mother and brothers and sisters. She’s sweet and adorable. But she apparently has no butthole.

Cluck was born with a condition known as “Imperforate Anus” or “Imperforate Butthole.”

I called my sister, who is a veterinarian, to confirm this was a real thing, but she didn’t answer. Probably because I tend to call her once a week or so pretending to have some sort of wacky ailment. I’m the boy who cried wolf. Or the boy who cried that my ferret had eaten 23 boxes of Kraft Mac and Cheese.  Either way, she doesn’t believe me much anymore, so I doubt she’d have the patience to hear about my concern for a kitty with no butthole. *See edit at the bottom of page.

However, I did do some research.

This condition is caused by an abnormal development of the fetus (duh), according to medlinepuls.gov. In Cluck’s case her poop and pee come out of the same hole, according to the rescue group.

Since she’s still nursing, her poo is pretty liquidy right now. But trouble is brewing. As she grows older and gets off the milk, her poo will become solid and it won’t be able to come out as it does now.

So with a ticking clock, a street cat rescue in Los Angeles,  Kitty Bungalow Charm School for Wayward Cats, has started a fundraising to help Cluck via Crowdrise called, “Kitty Needs a Butthole.”

With an initial goal of $4,000, the campaign has already raised nearly $10,000! The organization said that any money raised after $4,000 will go to help the other cats in their facility, even the ones with buttholes.

And the latest update on Cluck and her missing butthole reads: