So, I figured it was time to get an updated version out there. However, I didn’t have the funding of Tom Hanks (watch the above video for that reference) this time, and only realized it was Earth Day just 90 minutes before I had to go on-air, but I managed to put together these useful tips for you and how you can positively impact the planet right now! Enjoy! Happy Earth Day, everyone!
People have some stupid ideas, but the other day I saw one of the stupidest: A 22-pound dumbbell phone case.
Yeah. This thing is being sold by a company in Japan and while the dude modeling it looks nice enough (and jacked, surely due solely to his 22-pound weight curls he does while browsing for supplements and looking at Instagram photos of himself in bodybuilding competitions), there’s no way carrying around your phone while it’s attached to a 22-pound dumbbell is in anyway convenient.
But was I missing something here? Was this an opportunity? I decided to go that route and look at it as a way to enter the emerging market of phone cases. That Japanese company sold at least one (maybe).
I bet I could invent a cool and totally useful phone case and sell at least two!
Here’s what I came up with: The Coffee With Cory Colander Phone Case!
This is it (kinda). This is an artist’s conception of what this thing looks like.
You’ll remember NASA’s New Horizons probe zipped past Pluto (It’s still a planet to me, damn it!) in 2015. Well it’s still going and in two years it will fly by past this thing,
and NASA says it needs a name.
Actually it already has a name. It needs a good name. Right now they call it 2014 MU69 (Potentially also my license plate). That’s a stupid name. They need something a little more relatable.
So they are asking for your help.
But wait, wait – NASA is smart!
They’ve set it up so they will avoid a “Space Rock McSpace Rockface” situation. They’ve learned from others’ mistakes.
NASA will take your stupid suggestion, but ultimately they will have the final say.
However, they at least seem open to something a little less traditional. These are some of the names you can vote for right now.
Z’ha’dum (fictional planet at the edge of the galaxy)
Año Nuevo (“New Year” in Spanish)
Camalor (fictional city in the Kuiper Belt)
Uluru (Ayers Rock, largest rock on Earth, an “island mountain”)
Chomolungma, Sagarmatha (names of Mt. Everest in Tibet and Nepal)
Nicolas didn’t show any remorse when his strategically placed mousetrap caught the wrong person getting into his mailbox.
Nicolas thought either the drug dealers across the street or the woman who runs a house of prostitution was stealing his mail. So he hatched a plan. A bad plan. And now he has to deal with the consequences.
The rest of the tale told through my artistic talents (?) here:
I’ve recently developed a bad habit of playing the lottery. I know that I’m not going to win, but as it was so eloquently put in a recent episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, it’s just the hope that the ticket represents. Shelling out $5 a week for the hope of becoming a millionaire in my back pocket is worth it to me.
But perhaps I’m fishing in the wrong hole for my dreams of wealth. Perhaps I need to look no further than the back of my fridge – or in my desk drawer – because there is a guy selling a moldy sandwich on eBay for $31,000.
As Rick Harrison from Pawn Stars would say, “That’s what they’re selling it for or that’s what they’re getting for it?”
Shut up, Rick. I know your game and I know when a piece of mold is worth more money than my truck. I bet if I told you it was once in the field bag of General Ambrose Burnside during the Civil War you’d appreciate it.
But this sandwich currently up for grabs wasn’t owned by some famous General. It simply sprouted some mold in the shape of a familiar cartoon. One you’ve probably seen on TV or in your pancakes: Mickey Mouse.
“Miracle Tuna sandwich, mold naturally grown on the sandwich is shaped like Mickey Mouse and is truly one of a kind! Sandwhich is frozen for preservation,” the listing says.
The insane seller says he’ll donate half of the money to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital if it sells. That’s nice. A worthy cause. But you’re still making out with more than $15,000 for having nothing more than a sandwich that kinda resembles that annoying mouse.
Hard work and perseverance are not the way to wealth. Unfortunately, it isn’t looking like the lottery is either. Moldy sandwiches are the next big thing. Buy as much stock in them as you can!
I’ve recently purchased three loaves of bread and set them up in a hot and humid environment in hopes that at least one of the pieces of bread begins to sport some resemblance to someone famous. If a cartoon mouse can get $31K, imagine what I could get for a moldy Kim Kardashian sandwich? Or a green and fuzzy portrait of the late, great Bill Paxton?
Until those items come to fruition, I need to supplement my inevitable income with other unique items. Here are a few off-the-wall things I’m peddling right now.
First, this hairy banana. I peeled this banana a few days ago and forgot to eat it. Happens all the time. Next thing I know, it’s growing hair! So here’s a hairy banana to add to your collection… for only $7! Buy it and start a band named “Hairy Banana” and use it as your mascot. Or your first album cover. If you do that, I need a cut of the profits. 30/70 at least. We can talk about that.
Hairy Banana Merchandise is already up and going! Get yours HERE!
Hairy Banana. How did that happen? Is that Sasquatch hair? Maybe. Maybe it’s Bloodhound hair. You won’t know until you buy it!
Next up is a bag of hair! But not just any hair. I was told by the gentlemen who sold this to me that it was magical Sasquatch hair! It hasn’t done much magic for me. It just sits int he bag, though I haven’t really tried to get any kind of magic out of it yet. I’m not looking to scam anyone on this item and really just am looking to break even, so if you want it, I need to get back at least what I put in to it. $8000. Firm.
Magical Sasquatch hair! Paid $8000, need to get that back. Firm.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Come on, Cory. Hair and bananas aren’t the financial future of the free world. I got to have mold.” Well, you’re in luck. The next item doesn’t looking like anyone famous, but it is a moldy piece of bread. Due to the fact that it is just mold and doesn’t hold any sort of sentimental value, I’ll let it go for only $5, instead of $31,000. And if you buy one moldy piece of bread, I’ll throw in another for free! That’s TWO pieces of moldy bread for the price of one! Try beating that value at any of the big, fat cat corporate mold dealers. My mold is farm to table. Organic.
But wait, if you’re here to buy something that looks like someone, check this out. I bought this tortilla and quickly realized it resembled acting great Mark Wahlberg! The tortilla is mold free at the moment, BUT if you buy it now, that means it can only go up in value once the mold begins to grow! Slap it on your face and watch the look on your friends’ faces when they suddenly say, “Whoa, where’d my friend go and how am I now hanging out with Mark Wahlberg?!”
Buy it now for only $3 and watch your investment grow to $50,000 in just a couple of weeks! Probably. I don’t know. If Mickey Mouse mold is selling for $31,000, imagine what Mark Wahlberg mold will sell for! It’s really an investment in your financial future.
“Say hi to your mother for me.”
Hit me up on my Facebook page if you’re interested in buying any of these items.
My dad had a couple of parrots. Actually one was a parrot and the other two were cockatoos. All them were little a-holes. They only liked him. Occasionally, one would let me hold them, but it was usually a trap. A trap to bite my face off.
Wild parrots in India are also being little a-holes and apparently spending their days waiting for poppy farmers to open up the pods and then swooping in, gnawing on some pure opium and the retreating to the trees to get wasted all day.
You never catch the dragon. You just keep chasing him and chasing him. He’ll turn around and encourage you to continue chasing him. He’ll even adorably lead you to believe that you almost had him. But you never catch him.
Kick the smack, wild parrots of India! It’s not worth it.
In honor of National Crayon Day (seamless transition, thank you), I decided this story of opium-addicted parrots could only be told through the power of colored wax.
Crayon News is something I came up with a few years ago when I came across this story about a woman who cut off her husband’s dong. Twice. Of course, there was no video, and I couldn’t draw what she cut off and put it on-air, so Crayon News was born. Here’s that story in case you’re interested in things like that.
But this is a choose your own adventure style post. If you want to WATCH the parrot-addicted story be told on Good Day, check on this video:
If you want to scroll through photos yourself, here you go.
Crayon News: Parrots in India high on Opium
By Cory Howard
When I first heard this story, I envisioned parrots strung out on heorin on Sunset Blvd after watching Motley Crue play to a sold-out show at the Roxy Theater. (Motley Crue playing a sold out show live at The Roxy is from another story I have about Harrison Ford and me getting wasted together. I’ll post that at another time. But there were no parrots involved in that one.)
This story didn’t happen in Los Angeles. It actually happened in India.
Wild, dope-craving parrots by the hundreds are sitting high in the trees, waiting for farmers to open up poppy pods (they ripen quicker when you open them). But this leaves them vulnerable for the parrots are now extremely addicted.
When the pods are open, they swoop down, nibble on the free opium and then quickly fly back to the trees. Why?
Because opium will make you incredibly… sleepy (is that the right word?) So they gnaw on opium, rush back to the trees before the high sets in and then… nod off for hours!
This isn’t funny. Are you aware of what happens when you blast off into opiumland and then fall asleep in a tree? No. You not just going to trip out and listen to the Grateful Dead…
Most likely, you’re going to overdose and fall out of the tree! And THAT’s what is happening. Many of these parrots are falling to their death! As you can see from the picture, farmers say the parrots are stealing about 10 percent of their crops. This makes the sun incredibly sad.
Frustrated farmers are trying everything from firecrackers, drums, and throwing stones. But when you’re addicted to smack, even a knock upside the head with a stone isn’t going to deter you. No, the only solution I see is…
A government-funded rehab center specifically for parrots addicted to opium.
When a movie comes out, the main players of the film (actors, directors, producers) go on a media tour. I can’t imagine they are very fun as I’m sure they have to answer the same questions over and over. But when Good Day Anchor Kjerstin Bell comes to me and says, “Do you want to interview the Director of John Wick?”… there’s only one answer: “F*** yes!”
It was honestly the first time I’ve ever been nervous to talk with somebody on air. Wednesday night, knowing I had to be to work a little bit earlier to prepare, ate a proper dinner, put on my jammies and went to bed early.
I didn’t sleep. And when I did sleep, I simply had nightmares about badly messing up my big moment with a brilliant director.
But I woke up earlier, put on my best mustache shirt and marched into work with a gaggle of butterflies in my stomach. The hour was fast-approaching, and before I knew it I was sitting face to face with a monitor and on the other end… was Chad Stahelski in Los Angeles.
He didn’t look thrilled to be there. These interviews are set up via satellite one after the other and each station gets about 6 minutes of a window to conduct their interview, which translates to only about 3 minutes of actual interview time. So when he’s done talking to San Antonio and Baltimore, he gets to talk with us in Spokane and then quickly moves on to San Francisco and so on.
I envisioned a Chris Farley/Paul McCartney interview because that’s how awestruck I was, but once we got going, Chad was great and seemed to really enjoy talking about the movies that I love so much.
I tried to ask questions that weren’t generic, but I’m sure once you broke them down, they were all ones he’s heard before.
I wish I had at least an hour to talk with Mr. Stahelski about his films, his career and his love of action movies in general, and even though I had what seemed like a million other questions. Here’s what we were able to accomplish with three minutes of a ticking clock in my ear. Thanks Mr. Stahelski!