Humor

NASA Needs Help Naming A Celestial Object – Maybe This Time They’ll Listen To Me

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Here we are again. I feel like a broken record, but I have no choice.

Someone is turning to the internet to name something and it’s someone that should know better, because they’re super smart!

NASA – the same folks that put us in space, put us on the moon, and have sent probes all over our solar system – they’re asking the same people who wanted to name a boat “Boaty McBoatface” to help them name an object 4 billion miles away.

This is it (kinda). This is an artist’s conception of what this thing looks like.

mu69

You’ll remember NASA’s New Horizons probe zipped past Pluto (It’s still a planet to me, damn it!) in 2015. Well it’s still going and in two years it will fly by past this thing,
and NASA says it needs a name.

Actually it already has a name. It needs a good name. Right now they call it 2014 MU69 (Potentially also my license plate). That’s a stupid name. They need something a little more relatable.

So they are asking for your help.

But wait, wait – NASA is smart!

They’ve set it up so they will avoid a “Space Rock McSpace Rockface” situation. They’ve learned from others’ mistakes.

NASA will take your stupid suggestion, but ultimately they will have the final say.

However, they at least seem open to something a little less traditional. These are some of the names you can vote for right now.

  • Z’ha’dum (fictional planet at the edge of the galaxy)
  • Año Nuevo (“New Year” in Spanish)

But you see other than the nuts, many of these are too hard to pronounce.

So I’m throwing this out there, and this is a 100 percent true story.

When I was a kid, probably 12-years-old, I looked up at the Moon one night and I thought, “The moon doesn’t have a name does it?”

All of the other planets and moons in our solar system have names, but ours is just “The Moon.”

So little Cory wrote a letter to NASA and asked about it, and if it didn’t have a name, if I could name it.

My suggestion?

“Steve.”

THE MOON STEVE

Think about it. It’s simple and easy to remember.

You’d go out on a clear summer night, look up at Steve and say “Man, Steve is full and bright tonight!*

NASA never wrote me back.

So I’ll throw it out again – MU69, out by Pluto, vote for Steve.

If you don’t like “Steve,” and think you have a better name, you can submit nominations here, and vote for nominations here (Again, vote for Steve.)

 

“Fatberg! Right Ahead!” – A PSA that could save your sewer’s life.

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Here’s a little public service announcement this morning for residents and leaders of any city… in the world (remove sunglasses and insert dramatic music here)!

Today I was educated on something I never knew was an actual problem, but it’s something we can all work together on to solve and prevent.

What’s below our city?

Sewers. Exactly.

Now I used to think the only thing in our sewers was waste and adolescent turtles that know karate and only come out at night to fight bad guys and eat pizza, but I was apparently wrong.

Sewers run under out cities like arteries and veins, and much like arteries and veins, they can apparently get clogged up. Not clogged up like I clog up my toilet after nacho night, but clogged up like your heart gets clogged up and causes a fatal heart attack.

Such was the case in Baltimore, Maryland recently.

What are you looking at there? Welcome to Baltimore’s sewer. You’ll see… no ninja turtles… no singing Christmas poo.. just a giant congealed glob of fat.

This is known as a *Fatberg* and crews say it took about 50 to 60 years for this blockage of fat, grease and oil to form. As you can imagine, it’s not just fat, grease and oil. Mixed in with that you have decades of flushable wipes, diapers, cotton swabs, bandages, a bunch of plastic bags, rubber gloves, pens, batteries, pennies, coins, anything that you flush down your drain.

As our sewer systems age these fatbergs are becoming more and more common. They just had to remove one on London.

So just like your heart, if you have a blocked artery, you have to go in and perform a bypass. That’s what you see in the video above. It’s a robotic camera with a 2,000 pound per square inch pressure washer and an industrial vacuum goes in and clears the fatberg.

Now again, these fatbergs need to be caught sooner than later. I actually found (doctored) footage of them spotting the one in Baltimore.

Getting regular check ups can save your city’s life. The fatberg in Baltimore took $60,000 and a week to remove. Cheaper than an actual heart surgery, I imagine.

There are preventative measures you can take so your city’s arteries don’t get clogged up.

  1. don’t treat your toilet like a trash can. Whatever you flush down your drain can contribute to these clogs.
  2. Don’t feed your sewer line red meat.
  3. Make sure your sewer line is getting at least 30 minutes of cardio a day.

Together, we can save our city’s life.

The War Against Hobo Spiders

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Yeah. Spokane is smoky right now. I get that. It’s horrible. It’s not fun.

But I’ve already solved that problem with Cory’s Clean Air in a Jar!

We have more important things to worry about right now: A war.

Not a war with North Korea. A war that rages on every year around this time.

*Lights up a cigarette and slowly takes a drag…*

A war with the Hobo Spiders.

The other night, I’m watching some television and my trusty bloodhound, Georgia, is on the floor when suddenly, she jumps up like she’s just been shocked with a cattle prod and runs across the room, seemingly chasing something.

It freaked me out, but then I see her start to bat at and play with something. What was it?

I walked over there and see she’s playing with a no good, dirty rotten, worthless, creepy crawly, overly aggressive, serving absolutely no function or purpose on this earth other than to give me nightmares, stupid, jerk hobo spider!

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love all living creatures on this beautiful planet with a few exceptions, hobo spiders being one of them.

Other spiders, I’m OK with. I’ve adopted a “you stay away from me and out of sight, then I saw live and let live.”

These hobo spiders, however, they don’t even make an attempt to co-exist! They come in your house, uninvited, and make themselves at home while they look for a mate to make other worthless spiders with.

They’ll even actively seek you out and pick a fight.

In my youth, I would’ve been a little less worried about this, but I have a wife and a new child to protect.

So I laid some traps for these monsters around my house, using things I know hobo spiders like in an effort to bait them into certain death.

For instance, in this trap, I’ve cleverly disguised it at a music venue, featuring the kind of music something that sucks as bad as a hobo spider probably likes:

NICKELBACK
So far, they’ve avoided this one.  Even hobo spiders have better taste in music than my friend Nichole Mischke. 

This trap I disguised as a restaurant featuring “Uh-oh Spaghetti-Os Saturdays,” because
who doesn’t like Spaghetti-Os? Hobo spiders apparently. Empty.

SPAGHETTIOS

I also tried a sports bar featuring the expensive NFL Sunday Ticket from DirecTV.

HANGOUT

I might have jumped the gun on this one because obviously the season hasn’t started yet, so the hobos know this one is a fake. I’ll let you know how it does after this Sunday.

But there’s one trap, one establishment that seems to be having success, and it makes sense because hobo spiders are free-loading cheapskates: Free beer.

FREE BEER
Look at that! There’s two of them in there! Two of them who walked in and expected to get something for nothing, and instead they got got!

Here are all of the traps I’ve tried:

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Smoky Spokane Got You Down? Here’s the Answer to Your Pollution Problems

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It’s actually been a pretty good year for wildfires in Washington, at least by comparison to years past (knock on wood).

We have a few wildfires burning in our state, but the Evergreen State has largely become the Smoke State in the last few weeks thanks to fires burning in Canada.

The result for us in Spokane has been some of the worst air quality in the nation. Literally. The Spokane area has been ranked as the 2nd worst air quality in the United States, second only to San Bernardino, California.

Clean, breathable air has been hard to come by in the past few weeks in the Inland Northwest. Well, necessity is the mother of invention, so… I have the solution.

Here you go.

(Potential investors feel free to contact me.)

CRAYON NEWS: A Brilliant (?) Plan to Catch Some Mail Thieves Backfires

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“Caught the wrong person.”

Nicolas didn’t show any remorse when his strategically placed mousetrap caught the wrong person getting into his mailbox.

Nicolas thought either the drug dealers across the street or the woman who runs a house of prostitution was stealing his mail. So he hatched a plan. A bad plan. And now he has to deal with the consequences.

The rest of the tale told through my artistic talents (?) here:

 

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Own Moldy Mickey Mouse for only $31K… and other cool items for much cheaper

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I’ve recently developed a bad habit of playing the lottery. I know that I’m not going to win, but as it was so eloquently put in a recent episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, it’s just the hope that the ticket represents. Shelling out $5 a week for the hope of becoming a millionaire in my back pocket is worth it to me. 

But perhaps I’m fishing in the wrong hole for my dreams of wealth. Perhaps I need to look no further than the back of my fridge – or in my desk drawer – because there is a guy selling a moldy sandwich on eBay for $31,000. 

As Rick Harrison from Pawn Stars would say, “That’s what they’re selling it for or that’s what they’re getting for it?” 

Shut up, Rick. I know your game and I know when a piece of mold is worth more money than my truck. I bet if I told you it was once in the field bag of General Ambrose Burnside during the Civil War you’d appreciate it. 

But this sandwich currently up for grabs wasn’t owned by some famous General. It simply sprouted some mold in the shape of a familiar cartoon. One you’ve probably seen on TV or in your pancakes: Mickey Mouse. 

“Miracle Tuna sandwich, mold naturally grown on the sandwich is shaped like Mickey Mouse and is truly one of a kind! Sandwhich is frozen for preservation,” the listing says. 

1

The insane seller says he’ll donate half of the money to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital if it sells. That’s nice. A worthy cause. But you’re still making out with more than $15,000 for having nothing more than a sandwich that kinda resembles that annoying mouse. 

Hard work and perseverance are not the way to wealth. Unfortunately, it isn’t looking like the lottery is either. Moldy sandwiches are the next big thing. Buy as much stock in them as you can! 

I’ve recently purchased three loaves of bread and set them up in a hot and humid environment in hopes that at least one of the pieces of bread begins to sport some resemblance to someone famous. If a cartoon mouse can get $31K, imagine what I could get for a moldy Kim Kardashian sandwich? Or a green and fuzzy portrait of the late, great Bill Paxton? 

Until those items come to fruition, I need to supplement my inevitable income with other unique items. Here are a few off-the-wall things I’m peddling right now. 

First, this hairy banana. I peeled this banana a few days ago and forgot to eat it. Happens all the time. Next thing I know, it’s growing hair! So here’s a hairy banana to add to your collection… for only $7! Buy it and start a band named “Hairy Banana” and use it as your mascot. Or your first album cover. If you do that, I need a cut of the profits. 30/70 at least. We can talk about that. 

Hairy Banana Merchandise is already up and going! Get yours HERE!

2

Hairy Banana. How did that happen? Is that Sasquatch hair? Maybe. Maybe it’s Bloodhound hair. You won’t know until you buy it!

Next up is a bag of hair! But not just any hair. I was told by the gentlemen who sold this to me that it was magical Sasquatch hair! It hasn’t done much magic for me. It just sits int he bag, though I haven’t really tried to get any kind of magic out of it yet. I’m not looking to scam anyone on this item and really just am looking to break even, so if you want it, I need to get back at least what I put in to it. $8000. Firm. 

3

Magical Sasquatch hair! Paid $8000, need to get that back. Firm.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Come on, Cory. Hair and bananas aren’t the financial future of the free world. I got to have mold.” Well, you’re in luck. The next item doesn’t looking like anyone famous, but it is a moldy piece of bread. Due to the fact that it is just mold and doesn’t hold any sort of sentimental value, I’ll let it go for only $5, instead of $31,000. And if you buy one moldy piece of bread, I’ll throw in another for free! That’s TWO pieces of moldy bread for the price of one! Try beating that value at any of the big, fat cat corporate mold dealers. My mold is farm to table. Organic. 

4

But wait, if you’re here to buy something that looks like someone, check this out. I bought this tortilla and quickly realized it resembled acting great Mark Wahlberg! The tortilla is mold free at the moment, BUT if you buy it now, that means it can only go up in value once the mold begins to grow! Slap it on your face and watch the look on your friends’ faces when they suddenly say, “Whoa, where’d my friend go and how am I now hanging out with Mark Wahlberg?!” 

Buy it now for only $3 and watch your investment grow to $50,000 in just a couple of weeks! Probably. I don’t know. If Mickey Mouse mold is selling for $31,000, imagine what Mark Wahlberg mold will sell for! It’s really an investment in your financial future. 

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“Say hi to your mother for me.”

Hit me up on my Facebook page if you’re interested in buying any of these items. 

RUNNING WITH CORY: Stroller Edition

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The sun actually came out yesterday and Bloomsday is this weekend, which means it’s officially running season. I’ve been trying to run all winter, which just seemed to end two weeks ago, and it’s been ok, but there’s nothing like spring and summertime running in the Inland Northwest.

Last year, I thought I’d share a few tips with you that are absolutely guaranteed to make you a better runner. In case you missed them, here they are:

While these tips are still a staple of any good runner and a daily part of my cheetah-like regimen, there is one major change coming my way this year that will be a bit of an adjustment: A kid.

But just because you have a kid, doesn’t mean your running needs to suffer. Here are 6 tips for runners who want to still get radical, but need to find a way to incorporate a stroller into their running gnarliness.

Enjoy, everyone and remember, “Lots of Miles, No Big Deal.”

And just for giggles, here’s a video I made running with the Flying Irish in Spokane last year:

CRAYON NEWS: Parrots in India Chasing the Purple Dragon

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My dad had a couple of parrots. Actually one was a parrot and the other two were cockatoos. All them were little a-holes. They only liked him. Occasionally, one would let me hold them, but it was usually a trap. A trap to bite my face off. 

Wild parrots in India are also being little a-holes and apparently spending their days waiting for poppy farmers to open up the pods and then swooping in, gnawing on some pure opium and the retreating to the trees to get wasted all day. 

You never catch the dragon. You just keep chasing him and chasing him. He’ll turn around and encourage you to continue chasing him. He’ll even adorably lead you to believe that you almost had him. But you never catch him. 

Kick the smack, wild parrots of India! It’s not worth it. 

In honor of National Crayon Day (seamless transition, thank you), I decided this story of opium-addicted parrots could only be told through the power of colored wax. 

Crayon News is something I came up with a few years ago when I came across this story about a woman who cut off her husband’s dong. Twice. Of course, there was no video, and I couldn’t draw what she cut off and put it on-air, so Crayon News was born.  Here’s that story in case you’re interested in things like that. 

But this is a choose your own adventure style post. If you want to WATCH the parrot-addicted story be told on Good Day, check on this video: 

If you want to scroll through photos yourself, here you go. 

Crayon News: Parrots in India high on Opium

By Cory Howard

piC 1

When I first heard this story, I envisioned parrots strung out on heorin on Sunset Blvd after watching Motley Crue play to a sold-out show at the Roxy Theater. (Motley Crue playing a sold out show live at The Roxy is from another story I have about Harrison Ford and me getting wasted together. I’ll post that at another time. But there were no parrots involved in that one.) 

PIC 2

This story didn’t happen in Los Angeles. It actually happened in India.

PIC 3

Wild, dope-craving parrots by the hundreds are sitting high in the trees, waiting for farmers to open up poppy pods (they ripen quicker when you open them). But this leaves them vulnerable for the parrots are now extremely addicted. 

PIC 4

When the pods are open, they swoop down, nibble on the free opium and then quickly fly back to the trees. Why? 

PIC 5

Because opium will make you incredibly… sleepy (is that the right word?) So they gnaw on opium, rush back to the trees before the high sets in and then… nod off for hours!

PIC 6

This isn’t funny. Are you aware of what happens when you blast off into opiumland  and then fall asleep in a tree? No. You not just going to trip out and listen to the Grateful Dead…

PIC 7

Most likely, you’re going to overdose and fall out of the tree! And THAT’s what is happening. Many of these parrots are falling to their death! As you can see from the picture, farmers say the parrots are stealing about 10 percent of their crops. This makes the sun incredibly sad. 

PIC 8

Frustrated farmers are trying everything from firecrackers, drums, and throwing stones. But when you’re addicted to smack, even a knock upside the head with a stone isn’t going to deter you. No, the only solution I see is… 

PIC 9

A government-funded rehab center specifically for parrots addicted to opium.

PIC 10

Remember kids: 

PIC 11

UPDATE: Sober Parrot Merchandise is now ON SALE HERE

With All Due Respect Mr. Jones and Batman, But…

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You know how you have that one friend?

Let me be more specific, because we all have that “one friend” for most categories in our life.

You know how you have that one friend that always has to one-up you on a story you just told? And most times it either doesn’t compare or is obviously made up?

Well, there’s a little 3-year-old girl living in the world who will always be able to one-up any story ever told and she has the evidence to prove it happened.

She stole the Pope’s hat.

This little girl could be sitting in a group of people with the most fascinating stories ever told, and still be able to outdo any of them.

Indiana Jones: “So after completing the death-defying obstacles that included knowing ‘Jehovah’ was actually spelled with an ‘I’ in Latin, then watching some self-righteous Nazi drink from what obviously wasn’t the cup of a carpenter and disintegrate into a blob of bubbling flesh before his bones smashed into dust because he ‘chose poorly’, I drank from what I believed was the cup of Christ and the knight told me I had chosen wisely. So I raced back to by father who had just been shot and was dying with a cup full of eternal life water (without spilling, mind you), poured on him and instantly healed him and saved his life. It was pretty crazy!”

Batman: “Geez, where to begin. My parents were murdered right in front of me, so I took all of their money and trained to be an elite ninja and saved millions of people on several occasions from would-be villains, all of whom clearly had mental health issues and wanted to destroy not only Gotham, but the world. I even managed to fake my own death by flying an atomic bomb away from the helpless citizens of Gotham, but I secretly fixed the auto-pilot system before I flew it, so yeah… everyone thinks I’m dead so now I’m free to enjoy espresso in European cities with my kleptomaniac girlfriend who thinks she’s a cat.”

Grown Up 3-year-old girl: *Lights up her cigarette and takes a long drag… pauses… and slowly exhales*… “I stole the Pope’s hat once.”

The Collective Room: “You win. Again.”

Only a little girl could get away with it. If I stole the Pope’s hat… I can’t even imagine the fire – literal fire – that would rain down upon me. But a sweet,  little 3-year-old girl does it and everyone thinks it’s adorable. Even the Pope.

The girl’s Godfather posted video of the incident on Twitter and yeah… it’s pretty adorable.

Good job, girl. You’ve got your story. Use it wisely.

https://twitter.com/MountainButorac/status/844505243538931714

The Secret of Life is this one (obvious) thing

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The smart folks at Harvard have finished quite the undertaking: A 75-year study on the secret of life.

What took them 75-years, took Curly from City Slickers 20 seconds to explain. The secret of life is one thing, but it’s up to you to figure out what that one thing is. For most people, you’re going to find the answer is obvious. It’s family. It’s friends. It’s loved ones. A Higher power. Good relationships.

Most people, even the ones who actually do fall in line with worshipping material possessions, aren’t going to admit that.

But some researchers at Harvard have spent 75 years waiting to release what we all know is the obvious answer: Good relationships lead to a fulfilling life.

The study  says that “having someone to rely on helps your nervous system relax, helps your brain stay healthier for longer, and reduces both emotional as well as physical pain.”

Duh. 75 years and this is the best they could come up with?

I feel like they received the grant money for a 75-year study, held their excitement in check, walked into the next room and sort of looked at each other in awe that they just pulled that scam off and said, “It’s surrounding yourself with people you like, right? Like, good relationships?”

“Yeah,” everyone else said in unison.

“Ok, well we got the money, let’s just look like we’re busy for the next 75 years, ok?”

“Yep.”

1945: 

Harvard – “Hey Steve, you guys about done with that secret of life study yet?”

Scientist Steve – “No, but it’s gonna be good!”

1960:

Harvard – “Hey Steve, that secret of life study, almost finished?”

Scientist Steve – “Almost *Giving two thumbs up*”

1970: 

Harvard – “Boy, ya know Steve, it’s been nearly 40 years. Anything to report on the secret of life?”

Scientist Steve – “Oh man, we’ve been working really hard, but it’s not quite ready yet.”

1984:

Harvard – “Steve, that secret of life study… really need an update from your team.”

Scientist Steve – “Back off, man. I’m a scientist.” (Steve was a big Peter Venkman and Ghostbusters fan).

2000:

Harvard – “Hey Ted, sorry about Steve dying, but are you about done with that secret of life study yet? We’ve been waiting for 60 years…”

Scientist Ted – “Give me about 17 more years, ok?”

So here we are in the year 2017, and Harvard finishes their study. They turn it in, 2-3 pages, double-spaced, size 16 font and it says…

“THE SECRET OF LIFE

A 75 YEAR STUDY

BY HARVARD SCIENTISTS

STEVE AND TED

THE SECRET OF LIFE IS GOOD RELATIONSHIPS. THEY ARE GOOD FOR A GOOD LIFE. THEY

MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY AND NOT SAD. IF YOU HAVE GOOD RELATIONSHIPS THEN YOU

WILL HAVE A GOOD LIFE. TRY TO AVOID BAD RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE THEY WILL

MAKE IT SO YOU HAVE A NOT SO GOOD LIFE.

IN CONCLUSION… LIFE WILL BE GOOD FOR YOU IF YOU HAVE GOOD RELATIONSHIPS

WITH GOOD PEOPLE.

THIS STUDY WAS GOOD. IT TOOK US 75 YEARS AND WE’RE FULFILLED. (ACTUALLY STEVE

IS DEAD, BUT HE TOLD ME BEFORE HE DIED THAT HE HAD A FULFILLING LIFE BECAUSE

OF OUR GOOD RELATIONSHIP. STEVE WAS GOOD.

THE END.”

Totally worth it. Great joke, guys. Well done. R.I.P. Steve.

If that doesn’t satisfy you, essentially they are saying that people who are lonely, let their physical health go and die younger than those who surround themselves with people who make them feel happy.

Groundbreaking stuff.

*BTW, it’s very clear that Kjerstin’s husband did something wrong and is trying to make up for it with his response to her telling him about this story.