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NASA Needs Help Naming A Celestial Object – Maybe This Time They’ll Listen To Me

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Here we are again. I feel like a broken record, but I have no choice.

Someone is turning to the internet to name something and it’s someone that should know better, because they’re super smart!

NASA – the same folks that put us in space, put us on the moon, and have sent probes all over our solar system – they’re asking the same people who wanted to name a boat “Boaty McBoatface” to help them name an object 4 billion miles away.

This is it (kinda). This is an artist’s conception of what this thing looks like.

mu69

You’ll remember NASA’s New Horizons probe zipped past Pluto (It’s still a planet to me, damn it!) in 2015. Well it’s still going and in two years it will fly by past this thing,
and NASA says it needs a name.

Actually it already has a name. It needs a good name. Right now they call it 2014 MU69 (Potentially also my license plate). That’s a stupid name. They need something a little more relatable.

So they are asking for your help.

But wait, wait – NASA is smart!

They’ve set it up so they will avoid a “Space Rock McSpace Rockface” situation. They’ve learned from others’ mistakes.

NASA will take your stupid suggestion, but ultimately they will have the final say.

However, they at least seem open to something a little less traditional. These are some of the names you can vote for right now.

  • Z’ha’dum (fictional planet at the edge of the galaxy)
  • Año Nuevo (“New Year” in Spanish)

But you see other than the nuts, many of these are too hard to pronounce.

So I’m throwing this out there, and this is a 100 percent true story.

When I was a kid, probably 12-years-old, I looked up at the Moon one night and I thought, “The moon doesn’t have a name does it?”

All of the other planets and moons in our solar system have names, but ours is just “The Moon.”

So little Cory wrote a letter to NASA and asked about it, and if it didn’t have a name, if I could name it.

My suggestion?

“Steve.”

THE MOON STEVE

Think about it. It’s simple and easy to remember.

You’d go out on a clear summer night, look up at Steve and say “Man, Steve is full and bright tonight!*

NASA never wrote me back.

So I’ll throw it out again – MU69, out by Pluto, vote for Steve.

If you don’t like “Steve,” and think you have a better name, you can submit nominations here, and vote for nominations here (Again, vote for Steve.)

 

“Fatberg! Right Ahead!” – A PSA that could save your sewer’s life.

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Here’s a little public service announcement this morning for residents and leaders of any city… in the world (remove sunglasses and insert dramatic music here)!

Today I was educated on something I never knew was an actual problem, but it’s something we can all work together on to solve and prevent.

What’s below our city?

Sewers. Exactly.

Now I used to think the only thing in our sewers was waste and adolescent turtles that know karate and only come out at night to fight bad guys and eat pizza, but I was apparently wrong.

Sewers run under out cities like arteries and veins, and much like arteries and veins, they can apparently get clogged up. Not clogged up like I clog up my toilet after nacho night, but clogged up like your heart gets clogged up and causes a fatal heart attack.

Such was the case in Baltimore, Maryland recently.

What are you looking at there? Welcome to Baltimore’s sewer. You’ll see… no ninja turtles… no singing Christmas poo.. just a giant congealed glob of fat.

This is known as a *Fatberg* and crews say it took about 50 to 60 years for this blockage of fat, grease and oil to form. As you can imagine, it’s not just fat, grease and oil. Mixed in with that you have decades of flushable wipes, diapers, cotton swabs, bandages, a bunch of plastic bags, rubber gloves, pens, batteries, pennies, coins, anything that you flush down your drain.

As our sewer systems age these fatbergs are becoming more and more common. They just had to remove one on London.

So just like your heart, if you have a blocked artery, you have to go in and perform a bypass. That’s what you see in the video above. It’s a robotic camera with a 2,000 pound per square inch pressure washer and an industrial vacuum goes in and clears the fatberg.

Now again, these fatbergs need to be caught sooner than later. I actually found (doctored) footage of them spotting the one in Baltimore.

Getting regular check ups can save your city’s life. The fatberg in Baltimore took $60,000 and a week to remove. Cheaper than an actual heart surgery, I imagine.

There are preventative measures you can take so your city’s arteries don’t get clogged up.

  1. don’t treat your toilet like a trash can. Whatever you flush down your drain can contribute to these clogs.
  2. Don’t feed your sewer line red meat.
  3. Make sure your sewer line is getting at least 30 minutes of cardio a day.

Together, we can save our city’s life.

Japan Gets It. Japan Gets Commercials. Japan Gets Me.

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I think it’s safe to say that 90% of the commercials on TV are horrible. That’s pretty much in line with 90% of what’s on TV (especially Coffee With Cory).

But when I’m watching commercials, I usually think, “Who in the world thought that was a good idea?”

We’re in an era of TV when commercials have to be entertaining to keep the viewer from ignoring, fast forwarding, or turning their attention to their phone.

Very few accomplish this. But when it’s good… it’s good.

I’ve always thought I could be that guy to come up with great commercials (I already have the informercials down), but I guarantee most companies would reject the crazy premises.

Then I began to notice commercials from across the ocean. The Pacific Ocean. Japan.

THERE’S a country that will most DEFINITELY get my ideas.

If you need any proof of that, I present to you the greatest commercial I’ve ever seen. Nissan Milk Seafood.

It’s the perfect milk seafood cup to enjoy when you’re sitting in a remote snow-blanketed forest, tripping on hallucinogenic mushrooms being methodically hunted by man-seasons aiming for your warm cup of milk seafood.

It’s… it’s brilliant.

UPDATE: After watching additional Nissan commercials, one of the creepy “Man-seasons” is actually a “Cheese Alien.”

 

I like your style, Japan. Call me if you need me.

Interview with Comedy Greats Horatio Sanz and John Michael Higgins

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Two guys who have been making me laugh for years and years agreed to (kinda) lend me a few minutes of their time this morning to give me a “I’m not worthy” moment… and of course talk about the season two premiere of their show on NBC, Great News.

After the interview was over, I heard Horatio say “I like that guy… he did his homework,” and John say “And he actually enjoys our work, the poor son of a bitch.”

Such an honor.

Time to brush up on Kindergarten Cop

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On Friday, don’t ask me how or why (it’s not important), I came across of photo of an extremely pregnant ferret.

To be honest, at first I only saw the lower half and thought I had stumbled onto something completely different.

My sister is a veterinarian in Ellensburg, Washington and I saw it as a perfect opportunity to have some fun with her.

So using a small, and barely significant plot point from the classic movie Kindergarten Cop, I went to her work’s Facebook page, Ellensburg Animal Hospital, and posted the following:

pregnant ferret

“Dr. Taylor, this is my ferret, Marvin. I usually take him to my kindergarten class (I’m totally not an undercover cop). The kids like to pet him. He doesn’t bite. Last night while I was cleaning my gun and looking through police case folders… I mean, grading papers, he must’ve gotten into my macaroni and cheese meal preps. Every Sunday I make 23 boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese so I have something to take for lunches. Sometimes I add little cut up hot dogs, thankfully this time I did not. I know what a choking hazard those can be for ferrets. While I was cleaning my gun, I mean, looking at the kids’ finger-paintings, he must’ve gotten into the giant pot of macaroni and cheese. I suspect this because I found multiple ferret hairs in what was leftover and he was covered in orange goo. Well, as you can see, Marvin is incredibly fat this morning. Will he pass the mac and cheese or do we need to start talking about surgical intervention? He seems fine otherwise. Just a little slower. And explosive diarrhea. Other than that… business as usual in Ferret world. Thoughts?”

My sister immediately identified my Detective John Kimball story and shared it to the hospital’s main page thinking everyone else would as well.

They didn’t. Well, not everyone got it.

“Oh no,” one person worringly replied.

“Poor Baby,” another concerned person said.

One lady expressed concern for the ferret before immediately turning her attention to my apparent love of mac and cheese.

” I hope he pulls through, but do we need to be concerned with you eating too many helpings of mac n cheese each week? Hahaha.”

“Poor guy, will he be ok?”

Some didn’t get the joke, so it was reposted as a “name that movie” post.

At last check no one got the reference to the awesome Arnold Schwarzenegger classic. The thought that no one understands a Kindergarten Cop reference when they see one concerns me. It… it’s giving me a headache.

Don’t worry.

It’s not a tumor.

But seriously, if you haven’t seen Kindergarten Cop I’m gonna need to know:

who is your dady

Because he obviously didn’t raise you right.

Go watch Kindergarten Cop. Now.

 

 

Raccoon hitches a ride on police officer’s van

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Let’s just stop for a moment to appreciate raccoons on this Friday afternoon, shall we?

They are adorable little buggers. It’s a shame I can’t keep one as a pet. However, to be fair, I’ve never tried. Maybe I could.

I have a raccoon mug.

raccoon mug

I have a raccoon shirt.

racontteurs

I’ve watched them in movies.

And a couple of years ago, I was touched by the emotional story of Conrad the Raccoon in Toronto.

And on this first day of Fall 2017, I have yet another raccoon memory to add to my collection: The Hitchhiking Raccoon of Colorado Springs.

An officer in the quiet little mountain town was on his way to a car accident when he picked up a hitchhiker. You guessed it, a raccoon.

The raccoon jumped on his windshield and went for a quick ride. The officer pulled the van over and grabbed some pictures before the raccoon hopped off and scampered away.

You know his little raccoon friends dared him to do it.

“Hey Todd, you see that police van coming? I dare you to jump on it.”

“Done.” Todd replied without a single second of hesitation.

The best part? The officer posted the photos of Todd and they are as glorious as you would expect. Take a look

123

What magnificent creatures.

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The War Against Hobo Spiders

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Yeah. Spokane is smoky right now. I get that. It’s horrible. It’s not fun.

But I’ve already solved that problem with Cory’s Clean Air in a Jar!

We have more important things to worry about right now: A war.

Not a war with North Korea. A war that rages on every year around this time.

*Lights up a cigarette and slowly takes a drag…*

A war with the Hobo Spiders.

The other night, I’m watching some television and my trusty bloodhound, Georgia, is on the floor when suddenly, she jumps up like she’s just been shocked with a cattle prod and runs across the room, seemingly chasing something.

It freaked me out, but then I see her start to bat at and play with something. What was it?

I walked over there and see she’s playing with a no good, dirty rotten, worthless, creepy crawly, overly aggressive, serving absolutely no function or purpose on this earth other than to give me nightmares, stupid, jerk hobo spider!

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love all living creatures on this beautiful planet with a few exceptions, hobo spiders being one of them.

Other spiders, I’m OK with. I’ve adopted a “you stay away from me and out of sight, then I saw live and let live.”

These hobo spiders, however, they don’t even make an attempt to co-exist! They come in your house, uninvited, and make themselves at home while they look for a mate to make other worthless spiders with.

They’ll even actively seek you out and pick a fight.

In my youth, I would’ve been a little less worried about this, but I have a wife and a new child to protect.

So I laid some traps for these monsters around my house, using things I know hobo spiders like in an effort to bait them into certain death.

For instance, in this trap, I’ve cleverly disguised it at a music venue, featuring the kind of music something that sucks as bad as a hobo spider probably likes:

NICKELBACK
So far, they’ve avoided this one.  Even hobo spiders have better taste in music than my friend Nichole Mischke. 

This trap I disguised as a restaurant featuring “Uh-oh Spaghetti-Os Saturdays,” because
who doesn’t like Spaghetti-Os? Hobo spiders apparently. Empty.

SPAGHETTIOS

I also tried a sports bar featuring the expensive NFL Sunday Ticket from DirecTV.

HANGOUT

I might have jumped the gun on this one because obviously the season hasn’t started yet, so the hobos know this one is a fake. I’ll let you know how it does after this Sunday.

But there’s one trap, one establishment that seems to be having success, and it makes sense because hobo spiders are free-loading cheapskates: Free beer.

FREE BEER
Look at that! There’s two of them in there! Two of them who walked in and expected to get something for nothing, and instead they got got!

Here are all of the traps I’ve tried:

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Smoky Spokane Got You Down? Here’s the Answer to Your Pollution Problems

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It’s actually been a pretty good year for wildfires in Washington, at least by comparison to years past (knock on wood).

We have a few wildfires burning in our state, but the Evergreen State has largely become the Smoke State in the last few weeks thanks to fires burning in Canada.

The result for us in Spokane has been some of the worst air quality in the nation. Literally. The Spokane area has been ranked as the 2nd worst air quality in the United States, second only to San Bernardino, California.

Clean, breathable air has been hard to come by in the past few weeks in the Inland Northwest. Well, necessity is the mother of invention, so… I have the solution.

Here you go.

(Potential investors feel free to contact me.)

CRAYON NEWS: A Brilliant (?) Plan to Catch Some Mail Thieves Backfires

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“Caught the wrong person.”

Nicolas didn’t show any remorse when his strategically placed mousetrap caught the wrong person getting into his mailbox.

Nicolas thought either the drug dealers across the street or the woman who runs a house of prostitution was stealing his mail. So he hatched a plan. A bad plan. And now he has to deal with the consequences.

The rest of the tale told through my artistic talents (?) here:

 

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Tired of men gawking at you at the pool? This should take care of it

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It’s been seen on Buzzfeed, Cosmo, and MTV and now it’s catching it’s ultimate break by being featured on coryhoward.com!

In a world of jeans covered in fake mud selling for $425, jeans with “clear knees” selling for nearly $100, or rocks wrapped in leather for $85,  this latest fashion offering shouldn’t surprise me, but it still does. But at least it’s reasonably priced at $44.

The folks at Beloved.com are offering up the hottest (read: Most disturbing) swimsuit you’ll find this year, if you’re brave enough to wear it.

The “Sexy Chest” one piece swimsuit will surely turn some heads around the pool or the lake this summer, and at only $44, it’s totally worth it.

If you’re brave enough, please feel free to send a photo. 🙂

And if you’re into hairy things, but not necessarily looking like a hairy dude, don’t forget Hairy Banana merch is up for sale now! Get yours HERE.

Happy summer!

swimsuit chest hair

beloved.com

swimsuit chest hair2

beloved.com