I think it’s safe to say that 90% of the commercials on TV are horrible. That’s pretty much in line with 90% of what’s on TV (especially Coffee With Cory).
But when I’m watching commercials, I usually think, “Who in the world thought that was a good idea?”
We’re in an era of TV when commercials have to be entertaining to keep the viewer from ignoring, fast forwarding, or turning their attention to their phone.
Very few accomplish this. But when it’s good… it’s good.
I’ve always thought I could be that guy to come up with great commercials (I already have the informercials down), but I guarantee most companies would reject the crazy premises.
Then I began to notice commercials from across the ocean. The Pacific Ocean. Japan.
THERE’S a country that will most DEFINITELY get my ideas.
If you need any proof of that, I present to you the greatest commercial I’ve ever seen. Nissan Milk Seafood.
It’s the perfect milk seafood cup to enjoy when you’re sitting in a remote snow-blanketed forest, tripping on hallucinogenic mushrooms being methodically hunted by man-seasons aiming for your warm cup of milk seafood.
It’s… it’s brilliant.
UPDATE: After watching additional Nissan commercials, one of the creepy “Man-seasons” is actually a “Cheese Alien.”
Two guys who have been making me laugh for years and years agreed to (kinda) lend me a few minutes of their time this morning to give me a “I’m not worthy” moment… and of course talk about the season two premiere of their show on NBC, Great News.
After the interview was over, I heard Horatio say “I like that guy… he did his homework,” and John say “And he actually enjoys our work, the poor son of a bitch.”
We have more important things to worry about right now: A war.
Not a war with North Korea. A war that rages on every year around this time.
*Lights up a cigarette and slowly takes a drag…*
A war with the Hobo Spiders.
The other night, I’m watching some television and my trusty bloodhound, Georgia, is on the floor when suddenly, she jumps up like she’s just been shocked with a cattle prod and runs across the room, seemingly chasing something.
It freaked me out, but then I see her start to bat at and play with something. What was it?
I walked over there and see she’s playing with a no good, dirty rotten, worthless, creepy crawly, overly aggressive, serving absolutely no function or purpose on this earth other than to give me nightmares, stupid, jerk hobo spider!
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love all living creatures on this beautiful planet with a few exceptions, hobo spiders being one of them.
Other spiders, I’m OK with. I’ve adopted a “you stay away from me and out of sight, then I saw live and let live.”
These hobo spiders, however, they don’t even make an attempt to co-exist! They come in your house, uninvited, and make themselves at home while they look for a mate to make other worthless spiders with.
They’ll even actively seek you out and pick a fight.
In my youth, I would’ve been a little less worried about this, but I have a wife and a new child to protect.
So I laid some traps for these monsters around my house, using things I know hobo spiders like in an effort to bait them into certain death.
For instance, in this trap, I’ve cleverly disguised it at a music venue, featuring the kind of music something that sucks as bad as a hobo spider probably likes:
So far, they’ve avoided this one. Even hobo spiders have better taste in music than my friend Nichole Mischke.
This trap I disguised as a restaurant featuring “Uh-oh Spaghetti-Os Saturdays,” because
who doesn’t like Spaghetti-Os? Hobo spiders apparently. Empty.
I also tried a sports bar featuring the expensive NFL Sunday Ticket from DirecTV.
I might have jumped the gun on this one because obviously the season hasn’t started yet, so the hobos know this one is a fake. I’ll let you know how it does after this Sunday.
But there’s one trap, one establishment that seems to be having success, and it makes sense because hobo spiders are free-loading cheapskates: Free beer.
Look at that! There’s two of them in there! Two of them who walked in and expected to get something for nothing, and instead they got got!
It’s actually been a pretty good year for wildfires in Washington, at least by comparison to years past (knock on wood).
We have a few wildfires burning in our state, but the Evergreen State has largely become the Smoke State in the last few weeks thanks to fires burning in Canada.
The result for us in Spokane has been some of the worst air quality in the nation. Literally. The Spokane area has been ranked as the 2nd worst air quality in the United States, second only to San Bernardino, California.
Clean, breathable air has been hard to come by in the past few weeks in the Inland Northwest. Well, necessity is the mother of invention, so… I have the solution.
Nicolas didn’t show any remorse when his strategically placed mousetrap caught the wrong person getting into his mailbox.
Nicolas thought either the drug dealers across the street or the woman who runs a house of prostitution was stealing his mail. So he hatched a plan. A bad plan. And now he has to deal with the consequences.
The rest of the tale told through my artistic talents (?) here:
I’ve recently developed a bad habit of playing the lottery. I know that I’m not going to win, but as it was so eloquently put in a recent episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, it’s just the hope that the ticket represents. Shelling out $5 a week for the hope of becoming a millionaire in my back pocket is worth it to me.
But perhaps I’m fishing in the wrong hole for my dreams of wealth. Perhaps I need to look no further than the back of my fridge – or in my desk drawer – because there is a guy selling a moldy sandwich on eBay for $31,000.
As Rick Harrison from Pawn Stars would say, “That’s what they’re selling it for or that’s what they’re getting for it?”
Shut up, Rick. I know your game and I know when a piece of mold is worth more money than my truck. I bet if I told you it was once in the field bag of General Ambrose Burnside during the Civil War you’d appreciate it.
But this sandwich currently up for grabs wasn’t owned by some famous General. It simply sprouted some mold in the shape of a familiar cartoon. One you’ve probably seen on TV or in your pancakes: Mickey Mouse.
“Miracle Tuna sandwich, mold naturally grown on the sandwich is shaped like Mickey Mouse and is truly one of a kind! Sandwhich is frozen for preservation,” the listing says.
The insane seller says he’ll donate half of the money to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital if it sells. That’s nice. A worthy cause. But you’re still making out with more than $15,000 for having nothing more than a sandwich that kinda resembles that annoying mouse.
Hard work and perseverance are not the way to wealth. Unfortunately, it isn’t looking like the lottery is either. Moldy sandwiches are the next big thing. Buy as much stock in them as you can!
I’ve recently purchased three loaves of bread and set them up in a hot and humid environment in hopes that at least one of the pieces of bread begins to sport some resemblance to someone famous. If a cartoon mouse can get $31K, imagine what I could get for a moldy Kim Kardashian sandwich? Or a green and fuzzy portrait of the late, great Bill Paxton?
Until those items come to fruition, I need to supplement my inevitable income with other unique items. Here are a few off-the-wall things I’m peddling right now.
First, this hairy banana. I peeled this banana a few days ago and forgot to eat it. Happens all the time. Next thing I know, it’s growing hair! So here’s a hairy banana to add to your collection… for only $7! Buy it and start a band named “Hairy Banana” and use it as your mascot. Or your first album cover. If you do that, I need a cut of the profits. 30/70 at least. We can talk about that.
Hairy Banana Merchandise is already up and going! Get yours HERE!
Hairy Banana. How did that happen? Is that Sasquatch hair? Maybe. Maybe it’s Bloodhound hair. You won’t know until you buy it!
Next up is a bag of hair! But not just any hair. I was told by the gentlemen who sold this to me that it was magical Sasquatch hair! It hasn’t done much magic for me. It just sits int he bag, though I haven’t really tried to get any kind of magic out of it yet. I’m not looking to scam anyone on this item and really just am looking to break even, so if you want it, I need to get back at least what I put in to it. $8000. Firm.
Magical Sasquatch hair! Paid $8000, need to get that back. Firm.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Come on, Cory. Hair and bananas aren’t the financial future of the free world. I got to have mold.” Well, you’re in luck. The next item doesn’t looking like anyone famous, but it is a moldy piece of bread. Due to the fact that it is just mold and doesn’t hold any sort of sentimental value, I’ll let it go for only $5, instead of $31,000. And if you buy one moldy piece of bread, I’ll throw in another for free! That’s TWO pieces of moldy bread for the price of one! Try beating that value at any of the big, fat cat corporate mold dealers. My mold is farm to table. Organic.
But wait, if you’re here to buy something that looks like someone, check this out. I bought this tortilla and quickly realized it resembled acting great Mark Wahlberg! The tortilla is mold free at the moment, BUT if you buy it now, that means it can only go up in value once the mold begins to grow! Slap it on your face and watch the look on your friends’ faces when they suddenly say, “Whoa, where’d my friend go and how am I now hanging out with Mark Wahlberg?!”
Buy it now for only $3 and watch your investment grow to $50,000 in just a couple of weeks! Probably. I don’t know. If Mickey Mouse mold is selling for $31,000, imagine what Mark Wahlberg mold will sell for! It’s really an investment in your financial future.
“Say hi to your mother for me.”
Hit me up on my Facebook page if you’re interested in buying any of these items.
I always thought I’d make a great lawyer. There are few things I love more than arguing seemingly ridiculous ideas in an attempt to sway someone to my side. I spent a good majority of this past election season doing just that (it didn’t work).
But it was the motivation I lacked. The reading. The studying. The law books that read like Latin to me. Pig Latin I ould-way een-bay okay-ay ith-way. But not real Latin. They study law exclusively in Latin, don’t they? Perhaps I should’ve investigated that a little more. At any rate, here I am today, writing a blog that a total of 15 people at most read. I think I made the right choice.
It’s also the dedication. Arguing or not, I’m not sure I’d be okay with trying to get someone I knew was guilty off because of some loophole, or my insane ability to manipulate people.
However, I hope if I’m ever in need of a lawyer, I find one as dedicated as Miami lawyer Stephen Gutierrez.
Mr. Gutierrez was defending a man on trial for arson. The State of Florida claims his client set his own car on fire. Mr. Gutierrez would stop at nothing to get his client off. If you ask him, he’ll say what happened next was not some stunt to really prove his point that his client’s car ignited due to spontaneous combustion. He’ll say it was just a coincidence.
It’s okay, Mr. Gutierrez, we know. We know.
During his closing arguments, Stephen said he began to feel heat (UNRELATED: Feel My Heat – One of the greatest movie scenes ever) coming from one of his pockets. Then came the smoke. There was a fire in his pants. And not the kind you tell a girl who is way out of your league at a college party. The real kind. (I just realized why the “There’s a fire in my pants” line never worked.)
Mr. Gutierrez ran out of the courtroom, extinguished the flames and came back uninjured to a shocked courtroom.
Was it him taking dedication to his client to the next level or just a crazy coincidence?
We’ll never know. But we know. Hats off to you Mr. Gutierrez.
The jury knows too. They convicted his client.
I couldn’t find video of this incident, but who needs video when you can just grab your Undertaker action figure and recreate yourself? It went something like this:
The smart folks at Harvard have finished quite the undertaking: A 75-year study on the secret of life.
What took them 75-years, took Curly from City Slickers 20 seconds to explain. The secret of life is one thing, but it’s up to you to figure out what that one thing is. For most people, you’re going to find the answer is obvious. It’s family. It’s friends. It’s loved ones. A Higher power. Good relationships.
Most people, even the ones who actually do fall in line with worshipping material possessions, aren’t going to admit that.
But some researchers at Harvard have spent 75 years waiting to release what we all know is the obvious answer: Good relationships lead to a fulfilling life.
The study says that “having someone to rely on helps your nervous system relax, helps your brain stay healthier for longer, and reduces both emotional as well as physical pain.”
Duh. 75 years and this is the best they could come up with?
I feel like they received the grant money for a 75-year study, held their excitement in check, walked into the next room and sort of looked at each other in awe that they just pulled that scam off and said, “It’s surrounding yourself with people you like, right? Like, good relationships?”
“Yeah,” everyone else said in unison.
“Ok, well we got the money, let’s just look like we’re busy for the next 75 years, ok?”
“Yep.”
1945:
Harvard – “Hey Steve, you guys about done with that secret of life study yet?”
Scientist Steve – “No, but it’s gonna be good!”
1960:
Harvard – “Hey Steve, that secret of life study, almost finished?”
Scientist Steve – “Almost *Giving two thumbs up*”
1970:
Harvard – “Boy, ya know Steve, it’s been nearly 40 years. Anything to report on the secret of life?”
Scientist Steve – “Oh man, we’ve been working really hard, but it’s not quite ready yet.”
1984:
Harvard – “Steve, that secret of life study… really need an update from your team.”
Scientist Steve – “Back off, man. I’m a scientist.” (Steve was a big Peter Venkmanand Ghostbusters fan).
2000:
Harvard – “Hey Ted, sorry about Steve dying, but are you about done with that secret of life study yet? We’ve been waiting for 60 years…”
Scientist Ted – “Give me about 17 more years, ok?”
So here we are in the year 2017, and Harvard finishes their study. They turn it in, 2-3 pages, double-spaced, size 16 font and it says…
“THE SECRET OF LIFE
A 75 YEAR STUDY
BY HARVARD SCIENTISTS
STEVE AND TED
THE SECRET OF LIFE IS GOOD RELATIONSHIPS. THEY ARE GOOD FOR A GOOD LIFE. THEY
MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY AND NOT SAD. IF YOU HAVE GOOD RELATIONSHIPS THEN YOU
WILL HAVE A GOOD LIFE. TRY TO AVOID BAD RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE THEY WILL
MAKE IT SO YOU HAVE A NOT SO GOOD LIFE.
IN CONCLUSION… LIFE WILL BE GOOD FOR YOU IF YOU HAVE GOOD RELATIONSHIPS
WITH GOOD PEOPLE.
THIS STUDY WAS GOOD. IT TOOK US 75 YEARS AND WE’RE FULFILLED. (ACTUALLY STEVE
IS DEAD, BUT HE TOLD ME BEFORE HE DIED THAT HE HAD A FULFILLING LIFE BECAUSE
OF OUR GOOD RELATIONSHIP. STEVE WAS GOOD.
THE END.”
Totally worth it. Great joke, guys. Well done. R.I.P. Steve.
If that doesn’t satisfy you, essentially they are saying that people who are lonely, let their physical health go and die younger than those who surround themselves with people who make them feel happy.
Groundbreaking stuff.
*BTW, it’s very clear that Kjerstin’s husband did something wrong and is trying to make up for it with his response to her telling him about this story.
When a movie comes out, the main players of the film (actors, directors, producers) go on a media tour. I can’t imagine they are very fun as I’m sure they have to answer the same questions over and over. But when Good Day Anchor Kjerstin Bell comes to me and says, “Do you want to interview the Director of John Wick?”… there’s only one answer: “F*** yes!”
“F*** yes!”
It was honestly the first time I’ve ever been nervous to talk with somebody on air. Wednesday night, knowing I had to be to work a little bit earlier to prepare, ate a proper dinner, put on my jammies and went to bed early.
I didn’t sleep. And when I did sleep, I simply had nightmares about badly messing up my big moment with a brilliant director.
But I woke up earlier, put on my best mustache shirt and marched into work with a gaggle of butterflies in my stomach. The hour was fast-approaching, and before I knew it I was sitting face to face with a monitor and on the other end… was Chad Stahelski in Los Angeles.
He didn’t look thrilled to be there. These interviews are set up via satellite one after the other and each station gets about 6 minutes of a window to conduct their interview, which translates to only about 3 minutes of actual interview time. So when he’s done talking to San Antonio and Baltimore, he gets to talk with us in Spokane and then quickly moves on to San Francisco and so on.
I envisioned a Chris Farley/Paul McCartney interview because that’s how awestruck I was, but once we got going, Chad was great and seemed to really enjoy talking about the movies that I love so much.
I tried to ask questions that weren’t generic, but I’m sure once you broke them down, they were all ones he’s heard before.
I wish I had at least an hour to talk with Mr. Stahelski about his films, his career and his love of action movies in general, and even though I had what seemed like a million other questions. Here’s what we were able to accomplish with three minutes of a ticking clock in my ear. Thanks Mr. Stahelski!
Hey in case you guys haven’t heard yet, it’s an election year.
The choices this year are… interesting to say the least. I won’t get partisan in this article and tell you who I think is crazy (*Cough – Trump – Cough*) or who I think can’t be trusted (*Cough – Hillary – Cough*), but I will tell you that while you may only hear about the five main choices of Trump,Clinton,Sanders, Kasich and Cruz, you actually have more than 1000 other options. Sort of.
To eligible to become President of the United States you must be at least 35-years-old, a natural-born U.S. citizen, and lived in the country for at least 14 years. To become an official presidential candidate, you only have to fill out some paperwork. Which is something more than 1000 people have done for this election.
There are Democrats, Republicans, Independents, Communists, Socialists, Unknowns – something for everyone.
Take Mathew Tyler. He’s running under the Independent party and says the knowledge inside his head is rivaled only by a computer. Sounds like a good Presidential candidate, right? Super smart! By his own admission however on his website, he’s lazy. But don’t worry, that’s factored into his presidential plans. For instance, he wants to make all gas stations full service again. You know how awkward it is when you drive to Oregon and have to deal with that. “Do I tip them? Do I not?” Under President Tyler, you can stay in your car and not worry about it.
If you’re looking for someone with a little more “worldly experience”, perhaps Andrew Basiago is your guy. He not only has worldly experience under his belt, but also out-of-this worldly experience. Basiago claims that back in the 1970s he was a child time traveler for the U.S. government and in the 80s made numerous visits to Mars as part of the CIA’s Teleportation Program! A time traveling President! It could possibly save tax payer dollars on Air Force One fuel costs!
PHOTO: Andy2016.com
I know what you’re thinking.
“Time travel? That’s too much power for one President to have!”
Ok, how about someone with some real-world experience? By “real world” I mean “Reality TV.”
One of the attributes you look for in a presidential candidate is someone who isn’t afraid to address a crowd. It’s kind of a must. So who better to run our country than Darwin Misha Reedy. Reedy believes her experiences she has had auditioning for American Idol and the X-Factor qualify her to run the country. Her Twitter handle is even @idolgirlseason6. And Trump supporters don’t worry. She says she would put him in charge of the economy. So there’s that.
PHOTO: @idolgirlseason6 on Twitter
You know who I’ve always said would made a good president? Santa! He’s always jolly. He loves to give and help others, and he’s got a cool beard! Well now he’s running for President! Sort of. 65-year-old Santa Roy Clark is a former Marine who was born on Christmas day and says if he were elected Air Force One is going up for auction on eBay! Who needs that when you have a sleigh and some magical reindeer? You might think he’d put himself in a House of Cards Frank Underwood situation and run with his wife, Mrs. Santa Roy Clark, but you’d be wrong. Clark says if he’s elected, his cat “Baby” will be his Vice President.
Your inner dialogue right now: “But Cory, I don’t want to scroll through 1500 names! Can you just give me your favorites and add a little quip about them?”
Cory Howard 