EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Rough Draft of Donald’s Trump’s RNC Speech

Just hours after it was discovered that Melania Trump “borrowed” some (paragraphs) of Michelle Obama’s 2008 DNC speech, a leaked copy of Donald Trump’s forthcoming RNC speech has been leaked. To me.

Melania told Matt Lauer she wrote the speech herself. Judging by the cover page of this speech, it appears Donald wrote and edited the speech himself, even giving himself an A+. Good for you, Donald.

Though after giving it a once over, hopefully The Donald is going to make additional changes in light of his wife’s plagiarism. The speech is riddled with lines that sound *ahem*, very familiar.

The Donald, apparently not realizing that “four score and 7 years” is a measurement of time, borrows lines from some of the greatest speeches and books in history.

Mr. Trump also leans on a quote he credits to Living Colour, rather than FDR, and give a lot of authority to Scott Baio. At one point he even builds up his military experience by claiming to be a Call of Duty master.

It also appears he either wrote it in crayon or whatever he uses to make himself orange.

Whether Donald uses any of this at the RNC this week after his wife’s incident is yet to be seen, but here it is:

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Transcribed:

“Four Score and 7 years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation conceived in Liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Except for Muslims. Temporarily. Just temporarily. It was incredible. Fantastic.

Now we’re engaged in a civil war, sort of. Look, crooked Hillary started it. But this war, this war, it’s huge, and it tests whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure.

*Make sure to shrug and pierce lips like a butthole here.* Right? Fantastic. Incredible.

In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice… he said, and by the way, this was the best of times, and the worst of times… he said, “Donald, Saddam wasn’t a bad guy, Yeah he threw a little gas, but he knew how to get things done.” I’ve been turning over that in my mind ever since. You know who is bad? Hillary. Hey… call me Ishmael. *Shrug*.

*Consider just throwing out the “You’re Fired” Line here. Just see how it plays.

Hey, I’ve been saying for years, pretty sure I coined this phrase when I opened my Atlantic City casino in 1984, but even back then I said, of all the truths to be self-evident, all men, again, except for a certain few –just temporarily, until we build a wall and ban them from coming into our country –but all men are created equal and are entitled to life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness and of course a $2.99 all-you-can-eat buffet with a minimum purchase of $10 in slot tokens. I’ve been saying that for years. No one else has. Fantastic. Huge.

Folks, we have to respect authority. And when a man who has been in a position of authority for decades, when a man named Charles, who has been in charge for that amount of time comes here and tells you that I’m the guy… you gotta listen to him. Right? Fantastic. Incredible.

Look, the only thing we have to fear, is fear itself. I admit, That is not my quote. I did not make that up. Living Colour said that in 1988. Fantastic guys. Great guys. Incredible. But Living Colour brings up a good point, but times are changing. We have a lot more to fear than fear. Like the people coming into our country not to work, but solely to rape. Rape. Rape. Someone is doing it. *Pause here and shrug for sure.*

Look, nobody is bigger or better at the military than I am. I might not have any experience whatsoever, but I play Call of Duty and even though I haven’t gotten past the first two levels, I’m pretty good. Probably the best. Incredible. Nobody’s better. I am. I’m the best. Don’t fire until you see the whites in their eyes, right? Incredible. Fantastic.

So we must beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past — we go into the future. To make America Great Again.”

 

Still Not Sure Who You’re Voting For? Here Are a Few Other Options

Hey in case you guys haven’t heard yet, it’s an election year.

The choices this year are… interesting to say the least. I won’t get partisan in this article and tell you who I think is crazy (*Cough – Trump – Cough*) or who I think can’t be trusted (*Cough – Hillary – Cough*), but I will tell you that while you may only hear about the five main choices of Trump,Clinton,Sanders, Kasich and Cruz, you actually have more than 1000 other options. Sort of.

To eligible to become President of the United States you must be at least 35-years-old, a natural-born U.S. citizen, and lived in the country for at least 14 years. To become an official presidential candidate, you only have to fill out some paperwork. Which is something more than 1000 people have done for this election.

There are Democrats, Republicans, Independents, Communists, Socialists, Unknowns – something for everyone.

Take Mathew Tyler. He’s running under the Independent party and says the knowledge inside his head is rivaled only by a computer. Sounds like a good Presidential candidate, right? Super smart! By his own admission however on his website, he’s lazy. But don’t worry, that’s factored into his presidential plans. For instance, he wants to make all gas stations full service again. You know how awkward it is when you drive to Oregon and have to deal with that. “Do I tip them? Do I not?” Under President Tyler, you can stay in your car and not worry about it.

If you’re looking for someone with a little more “worldly experience”, perhaps Andrew Basiago is your guy. He not only has worldly experience under his belt, but also out-of-this worldly experience. Basiago claims that back in the 1970s he was a child time traveler for the U.S. government and in the 80s made numerous visits to Mars as part of the CIA’s Teleportation Program! A time traveling President! It could possibly save tax payer dollars on Air Force One fuel costs!

Andrew Basiago

PHOTO: Andy2016.com

I know what you’re thinking.

“Time travel? That’s too much power for one President to have!”

Ok, how about someone with some real-world experience? By “real world” I mean “Reality TV.”

One of the attributes you look for in a presidential candidate is someone who isn’t afraid to address a crowd. It’s kind of a must. So who better to run our country than Darwin Misha Reedy. Reedy believes her experiences she has had auditioning for American Idol and the X-Factor qualify her to run the country. Her Twitter handle is even @idolgirlseason6. And Trump supporters don’t worry. She says she would put him in charge of the economy. So there’s that.

Darwin Misha Reedy

PHOTO: @idolgirlseason6 on Twitter

You know who I’ve always said would made a good president? Santa! He’s always jolly. He loves to give and help others, and he’s got a cool beard! Well now he’s running for President! Sort of. 65-year-old Santa Roy Clark is a former Marine who was born on Christmas day and says if he were elected Air Force One is going up for auction on eBay! Who needs that when you have a sleigh and some magical reindeer? You might think he’d put himself in a House of Cards Frank Underwood situation and run with his wife, Mrs. Santa Roy Clark, but you’d be wrong. Clark says if he’s elected, his cat “Baby” will be his Vice President.

SANTA ROY CLARK

Santa Roy Clark PHOTO: http://www.votesanta2016.com

There are plenty more candidates to choose from.

Your inner dialogue right now: “But Cory, I don’t want to scroll through 1500 names! Can you just give me your favorites and add a little quip about them?”

I sure can! Here you go.

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