Smoky Spokane Got You Down? Here’s the Answer to Your Pollution Problems

August 11, 2017Cory Howard 2 Comments

It’s actually been a pretty good year for wildfires in Washington, at least by comparison to years past (knock on wood).

We have a few wildfires burning in our state, but the Evergreen State has largely become the Smoke State in the last few weeks thanks to fires burning in Canada.

The result for us in Spokane has been some of the worst air quality in the nation. Literally. The Spokane area has been ranked as the 2nd worst air quality in the United States, second only to San Bernardino, California.

Clean, breathable air has been hard to come by in the past few weeks in the Inland Northwest. Well, necessity is the mother of invention, so… I have the solution.

Here you go.

(Potential investors feel free to contact me.)

CRAYON NEWS: A Brilliant (?) Plan to Catch Some Mail Thieves Backfires

June 23, 2017Cory Howard Leave a comment

“Caught the wrong person.”

Nicolas didn’t show any remorse when his strategically placed mousetrap caught the wrong person getting into his mailbox.

Nicolas thought either the drug dealers across the street or the woman who runs a house of prostitution was stealing his mail. So he hatched a plan. A bad plan. And now he has to deal with the consequences.

The rest of the tale told through my artistic talents (?) here:

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RUNNING WITH CORY: Stroller Edition

May 5, 2017Cory Howard Leave a comment

The sun actually came out yesterday and Bloomsday is this weekend, which means it’s officially running season. I’ve been trying to run all winter, which just seemed to end two weeks ago, and it’s been ok, but there’s nothing like spring and summertime running in the Inland Northwest.

Last year, I thought I’d share a few tips with you that are absolutely guaranteed to make you a better runner. In case you missed them, here they are:

While these tips are still a staple of any good runner and a daily part of my cheetah-like regimen, there is one major change coming my way this year that will be a bit of an adjustment: A kid.

But just because you have a kid, doesn’t mean your running needs to suffer. Here are 6 tips for runners who want to still get radical, but need to find a way to incorporate a stroller into their running gnarliness.

Enjoy, everyone and remember, “Lots of Miles, No Big Deal.”

And just for giggles, here’s a video I made running with the Flying Irish in Spokane last year:

Lawyer Lawyer, Pants on Fire

March 10, 2017Cory Howard Leave a comment

I always thought I’d make a great lawyer. There are few things I love more than arguing seemingly ridiculous ideas in an attempt to sway someone to my side. I spent a good majority of this past election season doing just that (it didn’t work).

But it was the motivation I lacked. The reading. The studying. The law books that read like Latin to me. Pig Latin I ould-way een-bay okay-ay ith-way. But not real Latin. They study law exclusively in Latin, don’t they? Perhaps I should’ve investigated that a little more. At any rate, here I am today, writing a blog that a total of 15 people at most read. I think I made the right choice.

It’s also the dedication. Arguing or not, I’m not sure I’d be okay with trying to get someone I knew was guilty off because of some loophole, or my insane ability to manipulate people.

However, I hope if I’m ever in need of a lawyer, I find one as dedicated as Miami lawyer Stephen Gutierrez.

Mr. Gutierrez was defending a man on trial for arson. The State of Florida claims his client set his own car on fire. Mr. Gutierrez would stop at nothing to get his client off. If you ask him, he’ll say what happened next was not some stunt to really prove his point that his client’s car ignited due to spontaneous combustion. He’ll say it was just a coincidence.

It’s okay, Mr. Gutierrez, we know. We know.

During his closing arguments, Stephen said he began to feel heat (UNRELATED: Feel My Heat – One of the greatest movie scenes ever) coming from one of his pockets. Then came the smoke. There was a fire in his pants. And not the kind you tell a girl who is way out of your league at a college party. The real kind. (I just realized why the “There’s a fire in my pants” line never worked.)

Mr. Gutierrez ran out of the courtroom, extinguished the flames and came back uninjured to a shocked courtroom.

Was it him taking dedication to his client to the next level or just a crazy coincidence?

We’ll never know. But we know. Hats off to you Mr. Gutierrez.

The jury knows too. They convicted his client.

I couldn’t find video of this incident, but who needs video when you can just grab your Undertaker action figure and recreate yourself? It went something like this:

And then… just because:

EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Rough Draft of Donald’s Trump’s RNC Speech

July 19, 2016Cory Howard Leave a comment

Just hours after it was discovered that Melania Trump “borrowed” some (paragraphs) of Michelle Obama’s 2008 DNC speech, a leaked copy of Donald Trump’s forthcoming RNC speech has been leaked. To me.

Melania told Matt Lauer she wrote the speech herself. Judging by the cover page of this speech, it appears Donald wrote and edited the speech himself, even giving himself an A+. Good for you, Donald.

Though after giving it a once over, hopefully The Donald is going to make additional changes in light of his wife’s plagiarism. The speech is riddled with lines that sound *ahem*, very familiar.

The Donald, apparently not realizing that “four score and 7 years” is a measurement of time, borrows lines from some of the greatest speeches and books in history.

Mr. Trump also leans on a quote he credits to Living Colour, rather than FDR, and give a lot of authority to Scott Baio. At one point he even builds up his military experience by claiming to be a Call of Duty master.

It also appears he either wrote it in crayon or whatever he uses to make himself orange.

Whether Donald uses any of this at the RNC this week after his wife’s incident is yet to be seen, but here it is:

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Transcribed:

“Four Score and 7 years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation conceived in Liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Except for Muslims. Temporarily. Just temporarily. It was incredible. Fantastic.

Now we’re engaged in a civil war, sort of. Look, crooked Hillary started it. But this war, this war, it’s huge, and it tests whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure.

*Make sure to shrug and pierce lips like a butthole here.* Right? Fantastic. Incredible.

In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice… he said, and by the way, this was the best of times, and the worst of times… he said, “Donald, Saddam wasn’t a bad guy, Yeah he threw a little gas, but he knew how to get things done.” I’ve been turning over that in my mind ever since. You know who is bad? Hillary. Hey… call me Ishmael. *Shrug*.

*Consider just throwing out the “You’re Fired” Line here. Just see how it plays.

Hey, I’ve been saying for years, pretty sure I coined this phrase when I opened my Atlantic City casino in 1984, but even back then I said, of all the truths to be self-evident, all men, again, except for a certain few –just temporarily, until we build a wall and ban them from coming into our country –but all men are created equal and are entitled to life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness and of course a $2.99 all-you-can-eat buffet with a minimum purchase of $10 in slot tokens. I’ve been saying that for years. No one else has. Fantastic. Huge.

Folks, we have to respect authority. And when a man who has been in a position of authority for decades, when a man named Charles, who has been in charge for that amount of time comes here and tells you that I’m the guy… you gotta listen to him. Right? Fantastic. Incredible.

Look, the only thing we have to fear, is fear itself. I admit, That is not my quote. I did not make that up. Living Colour said that in 1988. Fantastic guys. Great guys. Incredible. But Living Colour brings up a good point, but times are changing. We have a lot more to fear than fear. Like the people coming into our country not to work, but solely to rape. Rape. Rape. Someone is doing it. *Pause here and shrug for sure.*

Look, nobody is bigger or better at the military than I am. I might not have any experience whatsoever, but I play Call of Duty and even though I haven’t gotten past the first two levels, I’m pretty good. Probably the best. Incredible. Nobody’s better. I am. I’m the best. Don’t fire until you see the whites in their eyes, right? Incredible. Fantastic.

So we must beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past — we go into the future. To make America Great Again.”

A letter from “Not Travolta”

May 5, 2016Cory Howard Leave a comment

UPDATE, 5/6/16 – Not Travolta wrote me back and simply said, “dear god.”

See why here:

16 months ago (Yes. 16 months. January 2015) I wrote an article about a dog that resembled Sir John Travolta (he’s been knighted, right?). Everyone wrote this article. I honestly saw the resemblance. 16 months later. May 5, 2016, I received either the dumbest or most genius email response to the article. I’m not sure which.

This person created an email account specifically to respond to this article. “thatdogdoesnotlookliketravolta@(insert domain here)” They were that passionate about it. They go by the name “Not Travolta.” Real or fake? We may never know.

They argued that I was spreading lies on the internet. They accused me of being misleading. Perhaps this person is real. Perhaps they are fake. Perhaps I’m getting my karma for all of those time I sent people fake emails from fake people. Either way. I had a good chuckle about it.

Here is their email to me followed by my response:

“Dear Mr. Howard,

I read your article and I found it horribly misleading. How dare you put lies on the internet. That dog looks absolutely nothing like John Travolta. There is absolutely no resemblance whatsoever. Enclosed I have sent several pictures of dogs that actually look like humans, so that you will have some reference before you consider publishing another ill though-out article.

I understand that it is your opinion, but you are wrong.

Sincerely,

Not John Travolta”

MY RESPONSE:

“Dear Not Travolta,

First of all, how absolutely coincidental that your name is Not Travolta! That’s cool! Who better of an authority to decide what does and doesn’t look like John Travolta than “Not Travolta”!

The last thing I want to do is spread scandalous lies across the internet, especially when it comes to such important matters as a mutt looking like Tony Manero. To be clear, and in hindsight I should’ve specified, but I believe the dog looks like Travolta only in certain movies. “Swordfish”, “Hairspray” and of course “Look Who’s Talking Too” (John was too skinny in “Look Who’s Talking” part 1 to be considered).

I am honored that you’ve taken the time to create an gmail account specifically and solely for the purpose of addressing this issue. But perhaps I am giving myself too much credit. Perhaps you use thatdogdoesnotlookliketravolta@gmail.com to send out kind clarification emails like the one I received to everyone who expresses their opinion on the resemblance between the star of “Look Who’s Talking Too” and pit bull mixes. Either way, again, I am humbled to be in the presence of your expertise.

I also appreciate you sending me examples of people you do think look like dogs. However, after careful review of your submissions, understanding completely that they are your opinions, I have unfortunately come to the conclusion that you are wrong as well.

1.) In you first example, the dog doesn’t even have a head of hair! It’s also missing Peyton’s trademark helmet head red spot. Plus Peyton probably weighs (an estimated) 220 pounds more than that dog. Plus the dog isn’t even wearing a football uniform! Due to these facts, I’m afraid your opinion is wrong.

2.) Your second example (the brown dog with the “petfinder.com” watermark) doesn’t even have a human to compare it to. Is it supposed to be Peyton or Buscemi? Because it fails to meet any resemblance of both. If there was an opinion here, it also is wrong.

3.) Buscemi and the white dog. Where to start on this one? The dog’s brown ears and white center between them would indicate a horseshoe balding pattern on Mr. Buscemi if there was to be ANY resemblance considered. Also the brown around his mouth should be mirrored by a goatee on Steve. That also is not there. Lastly, the dog’s eyes are perfectly normal and do not bear any hint of resemblance to Steve Buscemi’s trademark eyes. Again, I’m sorry but your opinion is wrong.

4.) Finally, Cher. I will give you the hair. The hair appears to be spot on. But that is where the resemblance train stops, and then ultimately derails. The dog is smiling, while Cher is giving her patented “I’m Cher and don’t give a damn” mirk. Plus, I’ve seen Cher sing before and her bottom teeth look nothing like that canine’s lower (and presumably upper) incisors. But what ultimately destroys your argument is that I am certain that dog has never had any plastic surgery. That is definitely its original nose, whereas, we all know, that is probably Cher’s 4th or 5th nose. Again, your opinion, I’m sorry to say, is wrong.

Again, I thank you so much for reaching out and expressing your opinions, however wrong they may be. It means a lot to me. Good luck on all of your future human/dog lookalike endeavors.

Yours truly,

Cory Howard.”

Whoever “Not Travolta” is, thank you for the laugh. Intentional or not.

COFFEE WITH CORY: Running With The Flying Irish

April 29, 2016Cory Howard Leave a comment

If you’re going to run Bloomsday, or just run in Spokane at all, joining The Flying Irish is a must!

Join them for a 3-4 mile run every Thursday night at 6:00pm (Usually at Ripples Riverside Lounge on N. Division), and then stick around and have a beer afterwards!

On your 6th run, you get to stand up in front of everyone and tell an Irish-themed joke. After that you are officially inducted and get your Flying Irish shirt!

Still Not Sure Who You’re Voting For? Here Are a Few Other Options

April 20, 2016Cory Howard 1 Comment

Hey in case you guys haven’t heard yet, it’s an election year.

The choices this year are… interesting to say the least. I won’t get partisan in this article and tell you who I think is crazy (*Cough – Trump – Cough*) or who I think can’t be trusted (*Cough – Hillary – Cough*), but I will tell you that while you may only hear about the five main choices of Trump,Clinton,Sanders, Kasich and Cruz, you actually have more than 1000 other options. Sort of.

To eligible to become President of the United States you must be at least 35-years-old, a natural-born U.S. citizen, and lived in the country for at least 14 years. To become an official presidential candidate, you only have to fill out some paperwork. Which is something more than 1000 people have done for this election.

There are Democrats, Republicans, Independents, Communists, Socialists, Unknowns – something for everyone.

Take Mathew Tyler. He’s running under the Independent party and says the knowledge inside his head is rivaled only by a computer. Sounds like a good Presidential candidate, right? Super smart! By his own admission however on his website, he’s lazy. But don’t worry, that’s factored into his presidential plans. For instance, he wants to make all gas stations full service again. You know how awkward it is when you drive to Oregon and have to deal with that. “Do I tip them? Do I not?” Under President Tyler, you can stay in your car and not worry about it.

If you’re looking for someone with a little more “worldly experience”, perhaps Andrew Basiago is your guy. He not only has worldly experience under his belt, but also out-of-this worldly experience. Basiago claims that back in the 1970s he was a child time traveler for the U.S. government and in the 80s made numerous visits to Mars as part of the CIA’s Teleportation Program! A time traveling President! It could possibly save tax payer dollars on Air Force One fuel costs!

PHOTO: Andy2016.com

I know what you’re thinking.

“Time travel? That’s too much power for one President to have!”

Ok, how about someone with some real-world experience? By “real world” I mean “Reality TV.”

One of the attributes you look for in a presidential candidate is someone who isn’t afraid to address a crowd. It’s kind of a must. So who better to run our country than Darwin Misha Reedy. Reedy believes her experiences she has had auditioning for American Idol and the X-Factor qualify her to run the country. Her Twitter handle is even @idolgirlseason6. And Trump supporters don’t worry. She says she would put him in charge of the economy. So there’s that.

PHOTO: @idolgirlseason6 on Twitter

You know who I’ve always said would made a good president? Santa! He’s always jolly. He loves to give and help others, and he’s got a cool beard! Well now he’s running for President! Sort of. 65-year-old Santa Roy Clark is a former Marine who was born on Christmas day and says if he were elected Air Force One is going up for auction on eBay! Who needs that when you have a sleigh and some magical reindeer? You might think he’d put himself in a House of Cards Frank Underwood situation and run with his wife, Mrs. Santa Roy Clark, but you’d be wrong. Clark says if he’s elected, his cat “Baby” will be his Vice President.

Santa Roy Clark PHOTO: http://www.votesanta2016.com

There are plenty more candidates to choose from.

Your inner dialogue right now: “But Cory, I don’t want to scroll through 1500 names! Can you just give me your favorites and add a little quip about them?”

I sure can! Here you go.