It’s actually been a pretty good year for wildfires in Washington, at least by comparison to years past (knock on wood).
We have a few wildfires burning in our state, but the Evergreen State has largely become the Smoke State in the last few weeks thanks to fires burning in Canada.
The result for us in Spokane has been some of the worst air quality in the nation. Literally. The Spokane area has been ranked as the 2nd worst air quality in the United States, second only to San Bernardino, California.
Clean, breathable air has been hard to come by in the past few weeks in the Inland Northwest. Well, necessity is the mother of invention, so… I have the solution.
Nicolas didn’t show any remorse when his strategically placed mousetrap caught the wrong person getting into his mailbox.
Nicolas thought either the drug dealers across the street or the woman who runs a house of prostitution was stealing his mail. So he hatched a plan. A bad plan. And now he has to deal with the consequences.
The rest of the tale told through my artistic talents (?) here:
I’ve recently developed a bad habit of playing the lottery. I know that I’m not going to win, but as it was so eloquently put in a recent episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, it’s just the hope that the ticket represents. Shelling out $5 a week for the hope of becoming a millionaire in my back pocket is worth it to me.
But perhaps I’m fishing in the wrong hole for my dreams of wealth. Perhaps I need to look no further than the back of my fridge – or in my desk drawer – because there is a guy selling a moldy sandwich on eBay for $31,000.
As Rick Harrison from Pawn Stars would say, “That’s what they’re selling it for or that’s what they’re getting for it?”
Shut up, Rick. I know your game and I know when a piece of mold is worth more money than my truck. I bet if I told you it was once in the field bag of General Ambrose Burnside during the Civil War you’d appreciate it.
But this sandwich currently up for grabs wasn’t owned by some famous General. It simply sprouted some mold in the shape of a familiar cartoon. One you’ve probably seen on TV or in your pancakes: Mickey Mouse.
“Miracle Tuna sandwich, mold naturally grown on the sandwich is shaped like Mickey Mouse and is truly one of a kind! Sandwhich is frozen for preservation,” the listing says.
The insane seller says he’ll donate half of the money to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital if it sells. That’s nice. A worthy cause. But you’re still making out with more than $15,000 for having nothing more than a sandwich that kinda resembles that annoying mouse.
Hard work and perseverance are not the way to wealth. Unfortunately, it isn’t looking like the lottery is either. Moldy sandwiches are the next big thing. Buy as much stock in them as you can!
I’ve recently purchased three loaves of bread and set them up in a hot and humid environment in hopes that at least one of the pieces of bread begins to sport some resemblance to someone famous. If a cartoon mouse can get $31K, imagine what I could get for a moldy Kim Kardashian sandwich? Or a green and fuzzy portrait of the late, great Bill Paxton?
Until those items come to fruition, I need to supplement my inevitable income with other unique items. Here are a few off-the-wall things I’m peddling right now.
First, this hairy banana. I peeled this banana a few days ago and forgot to eat it. Happens all the time. Next thing I know, it’s growing hair! So here’s a hairy banana to add to your collection… for only $7! Buy it and start a band named “Hairy Banana” and use it as your mascot. Or your first album cover. If you do that, I need a cut of the profits. 30/70 at least. We can talk about that.
Hairy Banana Merchandise is already up and going! Get yours HERE!
Hairy Banana. How did that happen? Is that Sasquatch hair? Maybe. Maybe it’s Bloodhound hair. You won’t know until you buy it!
Next up is a bag of hair! But not just any hair. I was told by the gentlemen who sold this to me that it was magical Sasquatch hair! It hasn’t done much magic for me. It just sits int he bag, though I haven’t really tried to get any kind of magic out of it yet. I’m not looking to scam anyone on this item and really just am looking to break even, so if you want it, I need to get back at least what I put in to it. $8000. Firm.
Magical Sasquatch hair! Paid $8000, need to get that back. Firm.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Come on, Cory. Hair and bananas aren’t the financial future of the free world. I got to have mold.” Well, you’re in luck. The next item doesn’t looking like anyone famous, but it is a moldy piece of bread. Due to the fact that it is just mold and doesn’t hold any sort of sentimental value, I’ll let it go for only $5, instead of $31,000. And if you buy one moldy piece of bread, I’ll throw in another for free! That’s TWO pieces of moldy bread for the price of one! Try beating that value at any of the big, fat cat corporate mold dealers. My mold is farm to table. Organic.
But wait, if you’re here to buy something that looks like someone, check this out. I bought this tortilla and quickly realized it resembled acting great Mark Wahlberg! The tortilla is mold free at the moment, BUT if you buy it now, that means it can only go up in value once the mold begins to grow! Slap it on your face and watch the look on your friends’ faces when they suddenly say, “Whoa, where’d my friend go and how am I now hanging out with Mark Wahlberg?!”
Buy it now for only $3 and watch your investment grow to $50,000 in just a couple of weeks! Probably. I don’t know. If Mickey Mouse mold is selling for $31,000, imagine what Mark Wahlberg mold will sell for! It’s really an investment in your financial future.
“Say hi to your mother for me.”
Hit me up on my Facebook page if you’re interested in buying any of these items.
There are bad weeks and then there are United Airlines bad weeks.
I don’t want to recap everything that happened in the course of 7 days to the folks over at United, as I’m sure you already know, but it goes without saying that forcibly (that’s a kind term) removing a passenger from a flight and knocking him and his two front teeth out in the process, and then having a scorpion sting a passenger all in the span of a few days is… a bad week. A public relations nightmare.
Unless you have the right public relations team in place. Which, United cleared does (did?) not.
Taking three tries before even offering something that resembled an apology to the man who was publicly beaten is unacceptable. It’s beyond repair, honestly. It’s not a public relations problem anymore. Now it’s a humanity problem.
But one you can recover from, United. If you have the right people in place. People such as myself. I have the solution. I have the answer of how you can get your customers back.
United is not surprisingly looking for new PR specialists, so here’s my unsolicited job interview that includes my four-step plan to getting back in the good graces of the American public and ultimately, the world.
If you don’t like watching videos, or don’t know how to watch, here’s my plan in text form for your reading pleasure.
People aren’t dumb. Well, okay, some are. A lot are. But most people can sniff out insincerity from a mile away like some sort of sincerity bloodhound. People don’t respond to “We’re sorry” anymore. Especially when you’re on your third attempt. Actions. Actions speak louder than words (and I’m a man with great experience), so you must act. Not talk.
First, free stuff. I suggest cake, but it could be anything. Offering up free cake, pizza or alcohol on flights will bring people back. And don’t hide the cost in your fare prices. You’ve got to spend money to make this work and unfortunately, after the latest scandals, you’re going to have to bite the bullet and spend a lot of it.
Secondly, more free stuff. Give us our checked bags for free. Stop nickle and diming us every chance you get. I flew United once and on top of paying for my checked bag, they then wanted to charge me for it being 2 pounds overweight! Yet for some reason, when I took those two pounds our of my bag and put them in my wife’s underweight bag, the charge disappeared. WHY? The exact same weight went on the plane! It’s just another excuse to squeeze an extra $25 out of me. And don’t tell me it’s for the sake of baggage handlers. Those are strong, tough folks who won’t blink at an extra two pounds over their minimally required 50. No more charging for checked bags. I know this will hurt your bottom line, but sacrifices must be made to bring people back.
I would say that top executive heads should roll after this, and perhaps after some half-assed apologies from your CEO, they should. But I also know that telling the boss of a company they should be fired during a job interview is no way to get hired. So I will not suggest that Mr. Munoz should step down. This is the time for him to step up and show the country he’s making real change. Not the kind that politicians promise. Actual change.
How do we make that change work for us?
Ah, glad you asked.
This is where it gets really interesting, yet absolutely necessary.
Daily lotteries.
You collect thousands of fares every day. My plan entails taking out a penny, a dime, a dollar… whatever, out of every fare you collect, put that in a pot and have daily lotteries. A passenger’s ticket is their entry. Every day, you hold daily lotteries where random people are singled out – in a good way – as winners of the jackpot!
Think about it. People have many choices when flying (your attendants using remind us of this at the conclusion of our flights), but what makes them pick one over the other are the perks. And I can’t think of any better perks than free food, free checked bags and the chance to win thousands, if not millions, of dollars, simply by clicking that United tab when booking my flight.
And finally, and this is probably the easiest step to execute: be people. Be real people who actually care about other people. If you screw up, admit it, genuinely apologize, explain a plan to never let it happen again and move on. If that doesn’t work, repeat steps 1-3.
My dad had a couple of parrots. Actually one was a parrot and the other two were cockatoos. All them were little a-holes. They only liked him. Occasionally, one would let me hold them, but it was usually a trap. A trap to bite my face off.
Wild parrots in India are also being little a-holes and apparently spending their days waiting for poppy farmers to open up the pods and then swooping in, gnawing on some pure opium and the retreating to the trees to get wasted all day.
You never catch the dragon. You just keep chasing him and chasing him. He’ll turn around and encourage you to continue chasing him. He’ll even adorably lead you to believe that you almost had him. But you never catch him.
Kick the smack, wild parrots of India! It’s not worth it.
In honor of National Crayon Day (seamless transition, thank you), I decided this story of opium-addicted parrots could only be told through the power of colored wax.
Crayon News is something I came up with a few years ago when I came across this story about a woman who cut off her husband’s dong. Twice. Of course, there was no video, and I couldn’t draw what she cut off and put it on-air, so Crayon News was born. Here’s that story in case you’re interested in things like that.
But this is a choose your own adventure style post. If you want to WATCH the parrot-addicted story be told on Good Day, check on this video:
If you want to scroll through photos yourself, here you go.
Crayon News: Parrots in India high on Opium
By Cory Howard
When I first heard this story, I envisioned parrots strung out on heorin on Sunset Blvd after watching Motley Crue play to a sold-out show at the Roxy Theater. (Motley Crue playing a sold out show live at The Roxy is from another story I have about Harrison Ford and me getting wasted together. I’ll post that at another time. But there were no parrots involved in that one.)
This story didn’t happen in Los Angeles. It actually happened in India.
Wild, dope-craving parrots by the hundreds are sitting high in the trees, waiting for farmers to open up poppy pods (they ripen quicker when you open them). But this leaves them vulnerable for the parrots are now extremely addicted.
When the pods are open, they swoop down, nibble on the free opium and then quickly fly back to the trees. Why?
Because opium will make you incredibly… sleepy (is that the right word?) So they gnaw on opium, rush back to the trees before the high sets in and then… nod off for hours!
This isn’t funny. Are you aware of what happens when you blast off into opiumland and then fall asleep in a tree? No. You not just going to trip out and listen to the Grateful Dead…
Most likely, you’re going to overdose and fall out of the tree! And THAT’s what is happening. Many of these parrots are falling to their death! As you can see from the picture, farmers say the parrots are stealing about 10 percent of their crops. This makes the sun incredibly sad.
Frustrated farmers are trying everything from firecrackers, drums, and throwing stones. But when you’re addicted to smack, even a knock upside the head with a stone isn’t going to deter you. No, the only solution I see is…
A government-funded rehab center specifically for parrots addicted to opium.
Remember kids:
UPDATE: Sober Parrot Merchandise is now ON SALE HERE
It’s seemingly all Spokane is talking about on social media. A fictional story written by Lewis and Clark graduate Cody Delistraty about the perils we as Spokanites face on a daily basis.
Mr. Delistraty would have the rest of the world believe that in between hobbling to our daily trips to the bread line and avoiding all of the murderers walking our streets, that our only salvation comes in the form of watching Gonzaga play basketball.
It is no secret that our town generally, overall but not everyone, loves Gonzaga, but I would say no more than any town loves their sports teams. Our very livelihoods don’t depend on their success, as Mr. Delistraty stated in his “How Gonzaga became the central hope for the struggling city of Spokane” piece (it hurts to hyperlink that atrocity, but ya know… I had to).
Mr. Delistraty’s narrative is full of inaccuracies about our beloved (his former) town that are either soaked in obvious bias or just plain made up.
“Spokane sits on a tiny lump of a hill.” That’s just the most obvious one. We can’t even label it as an “Alternative fact.” It’s simply not true. After living here for an extended period of time, Delistraty should at least know that geographical fact. Hell, anyone who spends more than 3 minutes in town knows that!
Delistraty’s work is drowning in so many lies and inaccuracies that it can’t be construed as anything but fiction. I could list them here, but honestly, it requires much more effort than I’m willing to give the guy who has such an obvious bad taste in his mouth about our town.
I’ve lived in this town my whole life. That’s not to say I’ve never been anywhere else. I’ve been to a lot of different towns, and I have yet to find one better than Spokane. Comparable? Yes. Better? No.
I went to school with plenty of people who couldn’t wait to get out. They had bigger dreams in bigger cities. That’s fine. Some of them even spoke poorly about our fair city. That’s fine, too. But none of them just blatantly made up facts to support their argument like Mr. Delistraty did when he put Spokane on blast in front of the entire world.
A little while ago, some morning show anchors in Los Angeles made some critical comments about Spokane. They were obviously not speaking from experience, but rather stereotypes. That’s ok. It rubbed a lot of us the wrong way at the time, but we saw it as a chance to educate the folks from southern California. Not sure if it worked, but hey, better to take the high, right?
Mr. Delistraty’s views of our town appear to be so passionately jaded that I don’t think a care package will change his mind. I’m not sure anything will. Perhaps a session with Sean Maguire repeatedly telling him whatever happened to him in Spokane was “not his fault” followed by a good cry would be an appropriate start. But I doubt it. He’s found greener pastures doing whatever it is he’s doing now and we’re perfectly happy living our miserable lives in this post-apocalyptic Mad Max: Fury Road town without him.
“Spokane Doesn’t Suck.” It’s not just a catchy saying. It’s the truth.
When a movie comes out, the main players of the film (actors, directors, producers) go on a media tour. I can’t imagine they are very fun as I’m sure they have to answer the same questions over and over. But when Good Day Anchor Kjerstin Bell comes to me and says, “Do you want to interview the Director of John Wick?”… there’s only one answer: “F*** yes!”
“F*** yes!”
It was honestly the first time I’ve ever been nervous to talk with somebody on air. Wednesday night, knowing I had to be to work a little bit earlier to prepare, ate a proper dinner, put on my jammies and went to bed early.
I didn’t sleep. And when I did sleep, I simply had nightmares about badly messing up my big moment with a brilliant director.
But I woke up earlier, put on my best mustache shirt and marched into work with a gaggle of butterflies in my stomach. The hour was fast-approaching, and before I knew it I was sitting face to face with a monitor and on the other end… was Chad Stahelski in Los Angeles.
He didn’t look thrilled to be there. These interviews are set up via satellite one after the other and each station gets about 6 minutes of a window to conduct their interview, which translates to only about 3 minutes of actual interview time. So when he’s done talking to San Antonio and Baltimore, he gets to talk with us in Spokane and then quickly moves on to San Francisco and so on.
I envisioned a Chris Farley/Paul McCartney interview because that’s how awestruck I was, but once we got going, Chad was great and seemed to really enjoy talking about the movies that I love so much.
I tried to ask questions that weren’t generic, but I’m sure once you broke them down, they were all ones he’s heard before.
I wish I had at least an hour to talk with Mr. Stahelski about his films, his career and his love of action movies in general, and even though I had what seemed like a million other questions. Here’s what we were able to accomplish with three minutes of a ticking clock in my ear. Thanks Mr. Stahelski!
Bears. Between attacks in Montana and California, and sightings along a popular hiking trail in Spokane, bears are in the news lately.
Earlier this summer, there was a gator on the loose in Spokane. People were frightened (probably). So I did what any morning show, coffee enthusiast would do: I went gator hunting. In case you missed it:
But now, it’s bears that have the people of the Inland Northwest on edge. Now, you’re probably more likely to be attacked by Nicolas Cage in the woods than a bear, but who wants to take that chance? So I strapped on my flannel and outback hat one more time, grabbed my trusted bloodhound Georgia, and set out to find a bear.
If you’re like me, you hate running. Does anyone really enjoy it? Plenty of people will tell you they do, but they are lying. I’ve been doing it for years now and still haven’t had the epiphany of “Man, I really enjoy moving my legs quicker than normal for an extended period of time for absolutely no reason!”
So why do I run?
Simple. If I didn’t run, I’d turn into a fat pig and my hot wife wouldn’t appreciate that. That and my dad died of a heart attack, so I want to take care of that thing. I also love music and it’s a great opportunity to get to listen to some rad tunes.
Those reasons aside, there are ways to make running tolerable, dare I say… enjoyable?
As I said, I’ve been running for many years now. When I was in 5th grade I nearly came in 9th place in the Latah Lentil Fun Run. So you could say I know what I’m talking about. So here are my 6 tips that will guarantee you have the best, most enjoyable runs of your life, while staying 100% injury free.
If you’re going to run Bloomsday, or just run in Spokane at all, joining The Flying Irish is a must!
Join them for a 3-4 mile run every Thursday night at 6:00pm (Usually at Ripples Riverside Lounge on N. Division), and then stick around and have a beer afterwards!
On your 6th run, you get to stand up in front of everyone and tell an Irish-themed joke. After that you are officially inducted and get your Flying Irish shirt!
Cory Howard 