As a kid, the Guinness Book of World Records was my jam. The 1991 version, before they sold out. They didn’t actually sell out. That just sounded cool to say.

As a kid, setting a record seemed like a huge deal. As an adult, it’s easy to see it’s just a matter of following a formula:

Take something normal + Doing something with it abnormal an absurd amount of times or for an extended period of time + be the first to do it = World Record Holder.

Or you could just be born with a specific genetic disposition. Be really tall. Be really overweight. Be really small. Don’t ever clip your fingernails and be really old. Eventually, you’ll break that record.

If you aren’t fortunate to be 743 pounds with the ability to ride a motorcycle, just follow the formula. Like I did on Good Day when I became the first person in history to balance a Godzilla figurine who was wearing a tuxedo on my head while holding an 8″x10″ photo of one of my heroes, Kurt Russell, while telling viewers about other people setting records.

I’m not exactly sure how long I went for, but I definitely set a record. Check it out.

*”Eat it, Harvey” is a tribute to the great newsman Richard Thornburg, who famously told his anchor Harvey to “Eat it” while begging for a news truck to go check out the situation at Nakatomi just seconds before Harvey went on air. I feel that balancing a Godzilla figurine on my head while holding a photo of Kurt Russell in an attempt to set a world record embodies the spirit of Thornburg. Thank you.

Also, show this picture during my funeral slideshow. Whenever that may be. Without context.