It’s a Funny Word, But This Is No Laughing Matter

*Warning: This article contains gratuitous use of the word “Butthole,” but it’s for a good cause. I promise. I think. Probably. 

Every morning I come into work and begin scouring the internet for stories. Hard news, soft fluffy pieces, and everything in between.

On Wednesday morning, still suffering from a candy hangover (or a literal hangover from my weekend in Denver. Not sure.), there was one headline that caught my eye. Mostly, because it contained one of my favorite words of all time:


Butthole is a funny word. It’s fun to say. I’m 34-years-old and it still makes me chuckle like I’m 8-years-old again.

But what author or journalist would use it in their headline (besides an awesome one)? It’s not a curse word, but it’s also not a word I’d get away with saying on T.V. (Which is why I’m writing about it here instead of delighting you all with it on Coffee With Cory)

Anus is probably what I’d have to say, and while funny in itself, “anus” has been watered down by years and years of solar system Uranus jokes. It just doesn’t pack the punch of “butthole.”

So when I saw “Tiny Kitten ‘Needs A Butthole'” as a headline I immediately became interested. Actually, I immediately laughed out loud. Not like when you straight-faced text “LOL” to your friends, but actually laughed out loud.

Laughter turned to interest, interest turned concern.

Who was this kitten? Why did she not have a butthole? Every living creature deserves a butthole. PETA and I don’t always agree on everything, but I think it’s safe to say we agree on that.


The kitten is a newborn named “Cluck.”

Cluck was rescued from the streets of L.A. with her mother and brothers and sisters. She’s sweet and adorable. But she apparently has no butthole.

Cluck was born with a condition known as “Imperforate Anus” or “Imperforate Butthole.”

I called my sister, who is a veterinarian, to confirm this was a real thing, but she didn’t answer. Probably because I tend to call her once a week or so pretending to have some sort of wacky ailment. I’m the boy who cried wolf. Or the boy who cried that my ferret had eaten 23 boxes of Kraft Mac and Cheese.  Either way, she doesn’t believe me much anymore, so I doubt she’d have the patience to hear about my concern for a kitty with no butthole. *See edit at the bottom of page.

However, I did do some research.

This condition is caused by an abnormal development of the fetus (duh), according to In Cluck’s case her poop and pee come out of the same hole, according to the rescue group.

Since she’s still nursing, her poo is pretty liquidy right now. But trouble is brewing. As she grows older and gets off the milk, her poo will become solid and it won’t be able to come out as it does now.

So with a ticking clock, a street cat rescue in Los Angeles,  Kitty Bungalow Charm School for Wayward Cats, has started a fundraising to help Cluck via Crowdrise called, “Kitty Needs a Butthole.”

With an initial goal of $4,000, the campaign has already raised nearly $10,000! The organization said that any money raised after $4,000 will go to help the other cats in their facility, even the ones with buttholes.

And the latest update on Cluck and her missing butthole reads:



Tootsie Pops and Candy Corn are the Inland Northwest’s favorite candy? Gross.

When it comes to candy, I tend to stay away from chocolate. I’m more of a fruity-flavored guy. Skittles, Starburst, and my favorite, Mike and Ike.

Side note: I recently had a friend who went to Canada and came back with genuine Jolly Joes. NOT grape Mike and Ikes, but JOLLY JOES! What happened, Mike and Ike? Bring back Jolly Joes to the U.S.A.

But if I want to fit in, I’m gonna have to move to North Dakota, Indiana or Florida because that’s where those are the most popular according to one website.

Halloween candy is a big industry. REALLY big. Billions of dollars will be spent this year on candy for trick-or-treating, but not all of it will be spent wisely, apparently.

For instance, according to, Idaho’s favorite candy is candy corn. Gross! Although their second choice is Starburst, so a little redemption there.

If you’re from Idaho and you’re reading this saying, “Hey! Don’t look at me. I don’t even like candy corn.” You might be telling the truth, but the folks at have been selling bulk candy for a decade and they say Idaho loves candy corn.

Don’t worry, Idaho. Montana isn’t much better. Their favorite candy is Dubble Bubble gum. You know, the stuff that loses its flavor after your first few chews? Fruit Stripe gum even lasts longer (just by a few seconds though).

And Washington? Well, we apparently upgraded a bit this year. In previous years we were fans of salt water taffy (Not on board with that, either), but this year we graduated to Tootsie Pops.

How did the website come to their conclusions? I’ll let them explain:

“We took 10 years of sales data (2007-2016), looking in particular at the months leading up to Halloween. We sell to all 50 states – plus Canada – so we broke down our sales by state. We also have relationships with major candy manufacturers and distributors – all of whom contributed and helped us verify that our data is on point.”

So you see? Totally accurate.

Oregon enjoys Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Good for them!

Check out what the rest of the country enjoys in this interactive map:


Feel free to tell me my taste is candy is horrible HERE.

“Fatberg! Right Ahead!” – A PSA that could save your sewer’s life.

Here’s a little public service announcement this morning for residents and leaders of any city… in the world (remove sunglasses and insert dramatic music here)!

Today I was educated on something I never knew was an actual problem, but it’s something we can all work together on to solve and prevent.

What’s below our city?

Sewers. Exactly.

Now I used to think the only thing in our sewers was waste and adolescent turtles that know karate and only come out at night to fight bad guys and eat pizza, but I was apparently wrong.

Sewers run under out cities like arteries and veins, and much like arteries and veins, they can apparently get clogged up. Not clogged up like I clog up my toilet after nacho night, but clogged up like your heart gets clogged up and causes a fatal heart attack.

Such was the case in Baltimore, Maryland recently.

What are you looking at there? Welcome to Baltimore’s sewer. You’ll see… no ninja turtles… no singing Christmas poo.. just a giant congealed glob of fat.

This is known as a *Fatberg* and crews say it took about 50 to 60 years for this blockage of fat, grease and oil to form. As you can imagine, it’s not just fat, grease and oil. Mixed in with that you have decades of flushable wipes, diapers, cotton swabs, bandages, a bunch of plastic bags, rubber gloves, pens, batteries, pennies, coins, anything that you flush down your drain.

As our sewer systems age these fatbergs are becoming more and more common. They just had to remove one on London.

So just like your heart, if you have a blocked artery, you have to go in and perform a bypass. That’s what you see in the video above. It’s a robotic camera with a 2,000 pound per square inch pressure washer and an industrial vacuum goes in and clears the fatberg.

Now again, these fatbergs need to be caught sooner than later. I actually found (doctored) footage of them spotting the one in Baltimore.

Getting regular check ups can save your city’s life. The fatberg in Baltimore took $60,000 and a week to remove. Cheaper than an actual heart surgery, I imagine.

There are preventative measures you can take so your city’s arteries don’t get clogged up.

  1. don’t treat your toilet like a trash can. Whatever you flush down your drain can contribute to these clogs.
  2. Don’t feed your sewer line red meat.
  3. Make sure your sewer line is getting at least 30 minutes of cardio a day.

Together, we can save our city’s life.

Japan Gets It. Japan Gets Commercials. Japan Gets Me.

I think it’s safe to say that 90% of the commercials on TV are horrible. That’s pretty much in line with 90% of what’s on TV (especially Coffee With Cory).

But when I’m watching commercials, I usually think, “Who in the world thought that was a good idea?”

We’re in an era of TV when commercials have to be entertaining to keep the viewer from ignoring, fast forwarding, or turning their attention to their phone.

Very few accomplish this. But when it’s good… it’s good.

I’ve always thought I could be that guy to come up with great commercials (I already have the informercials down), but I guarantee most companies would reject the crazy premises.

Then I began to notice commercials from across the ocean. The Pacific Ocean. Japan.

THERE’S a country that will most DEFINITELY get my ideas.

If you need any proof of that, I present to you the greatest commercial I’ve ever seen. Nissan Milk Seafood.

It’s the perfect milk seafood cup to enjoy when you’re sitting in a remote snow-blanketed forest, tripping on hallucinogenic mushrooms being methodically hunted by man-seasons aiming for your warm cup of milk seafood.

It’s… it’s brilliant.

UPDATE: After watching additional Nissan commercials, one of the creepy “Man-seasons” is actually a “Cheese Alien.”


I like your style, Japan. Call me if you need me.

Interview with Comedy Greats Horatio Sanz and John Michael Higgins

Two guys who have been making me laugh for years and years agreed to (kinda) lend me a few minutes of their time this morning to give me a “I’m not worthy” moment… and of course talk about the season two premiere of their show on NBC, Great News.

After the interview was over, I heard Horatio say “I like that guy… he did his homework,” and John say “And he actually enjoys our work, the poor son of a bitch.”

Such an honor.

Time to brush up on Kindergarten Cop

On Friday, don’t ask me how or why (it’s not important), I came across of photo of an extremely pregnant ferret.

To be honest, at first I only saw the lower half and thought I had stumbled onto something completely different.

My sister is a veterinarian in Ellensburg, Washington and I saw it as a perfect opportunity to have some fun with her.

So using a small, and barely significant plot point from the classic movie Kindergarten Cop, I went to her work’s Facebook page, Ellensburg Animal Hospital, and posted the following:

pregnant ferret

“Dr. Taylor, this is my ferret, Marvin. I usually take him to my kindergarten class (I’m totally not an undercover cop). The kids like to pet him. He doesn’t bite. Last night while I was cleaning my gun and looking through police case folders… I mean, grading papers, he must’ve gotten into my macaroni and cheese meal preps. Every Sunday I make 23 boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese so I have something to take for lunches. Sometimes I add little cut up hot dogs, thankfully this time I did not. I know what a choking hazard those can be for ferrets. While I was cleaning my gun, I mean, looking at the kids’ finger-paintings, he must’ve gotten into the giant pot of macaroni and cheese. I suspect this because I found multiple ferret hairs in what was leftover and he was covered in orange goo. Well, as you can see, Marvin is incredibly fat this morning. Will he pass the mac and cheese or do we need to start talking about surgical intervention? He seems fine otherwise. Just a little slower. And explosive diarrhea. Other than that… business as usual in Ferret world. Thoughts?”

My sister immediately identified my Detective John Kimball story and shared it to the hospital’s main page thinking everyone else would as well.

They didn’t. Well, not everyone got it.

“Oh no,” one person worringly replied.

“Poor Baby,” another concerned person said.

One lady expressed concern for the ferret before immediately turning her attention to my apparent love of mac and cheese.

” I hope he pulls through, but do we need to be concerned with you eating too many helpings of mac n cheese each week? Hahaha.”

“Poor guy, will he be ok?”

Some didn’t get the joke, so it was reposted as a “name that movie” post.

At last check no one got the reference to the awesome Arnold Schwarzenegger classic. The thought that no one understands a Kindergarten Cop reference when they see one concerns me. It… it’s giving me a headache.

Don’t worry.

It’s not a tumor.

But seriously, if you haven’t seen Kindergarten Cop I’m gonna need to know:

who is your dady

Because he obviously didn’t raise you right.

Go watch Kindergarten Cop. Now.



Raccoon hitches a ride on police officer’s van


Let’s just stop for a moment to appreciate raccoons on this Friday afternoon, shall we?

They are adorable little buggers. It’s a shame I can’t keep one as a pet. However, to be fair, I’ve never tried. Maybe I could.

I have a raccoon mug.

raccoon mug

I have a raccoon shirt.


I’ve watched them in movies.

And a couple of years ago, I was touched by the emotional story of Conrad the Raccoon in Toronto.

And on this first day of Fall 2017, I have yet another raccoon memory to add to my collection: The Hitchhiking Raccoon of Colorado Springs.

An officer in the quiet little mountain town was on his way to a car accident when he picked up a hitchhiker. You guessed it, a raccoon.

The raccoon jumped on his windshield and went for a quick ride. The officer pulled the van over and grabbed some pictures before the raccoon hopped off and scampered away.

You know his little raccoon friends dared him to do it.

“Hey Todd, you see that police van coming? I dare you to jump on it.”

“Done.” Todd replied without a single second of hesitation.

The best part? The officer posted the photos of Todd and they are as glorious as you would expect. Take a look


What magnificent creatures.

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