Funny

Who Needs a Stone Wrapped in Leather for Christmas When You Have These AMAZING Gifts!

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There are only a few more shopping days left in the holiday season. This year’s hot item is the Hatchimal. The kids are going crazy for this thing, but they are harder to find than a Turboman was in 1996.

The NES Classic is also a hot item for millennials such as myself. The idea of the games from my childhood all loaded on one system blows my skirt up for sure. But again, good luck finding one until after Christmas.

But what about the hot adult items that everyone’s looking for this year? Get your mind out of the gutter. I’m talking about the gift that has everyone collectively facepalming their foreheads in confusion: Nordstrom’s Leather Wrapped Stone.

I’m not old enough to remember the pet rock, but it has apparently grown up and it is stylish as… it’s really stylish.

Like an emotional teenager, the rock doesn’t want to be called a rock anymore. It wants to be called a stone.

“Shut up, Dad! I’m not a rock anymore! I’m a stone!”

“You’ll always be a rock to me! My sweet baby rock!:

“Ugh, I hate you! Leave me alone!”

*Door slams in anger This dad/son rock argument has been brought to by Huffman Excavating Inc. in Tulsa, OK. They didn’t actually pay for that advertising, I’m just looking to expand advertising while helping out a company I’ve never heard of. 

Anyway, this leather wrapped stone from Nordstrom is a real thing.

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via Nordstrom

“This smooth Los Angeles-area stone – wrapped in rich, vegetable-tanned American leather secured by sturdy contrast whipstitching – is sure to draw attention wherever it rests,” the description continues. “A traditional hardening process gives the leather a beautiful ombré effect. Like all Made Solid pieces, this one is cut, shaped, sewn and finished by hand in artist Peter Maxwell’s Los Angeles studio.”

Serious? Serious.

If you can’t find room in your budget or house for the large version, there’s also a smaller version. Nordstrom seriously describes the item as “labor-intensive” and insists it is not a joke.

“It can be used as a paperweight, a doorstop, or a piece of art,” the company said.

Of course, since someone with common sense noticed this and spread the news, the fine stone wrapped in leather has sold out.

But don’t worry folks! No need to stress! I can fill that frivolous void in your life ith my new collection of items that are sure to dazzle and delight anyone this holiday season.

For instance, why have a rock in leather when you can have a stick in a stocking?
This wonderful item can be used as dog toy, a TV channel changer, a weapon of self-defense, and of course… a work of art.

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I’m selling this one of a kind item that combines mother nature with expertly crafted oversized socks and your deep pockets  for only $120.

Here’s another great item for the home or the office! Everyone uses staplers, but this one is different and is sure to make all of our inner Miltons mumble in awe. When it’s not being used for securing two pieces of paper together, it serves as an air freshener with a state of the art, all-natural smelly sheet.

img_0957Delicately handcrafted and secured with synthetic, but real look rubber, this item will only set you back $230. (Staples not included)

This next item is more functional and utilitarian than a work of art, but somehow in its simplicity, it is art. I came up with this idea after finding my kitchen constantly in disarray. I was tired of my zipper sandwich bags flying all over the place and making my kitchen feel unorganized? But thanks to this new Coffee With Cory Brand© product: The sandwich bag holder. old up to 10 sandwich bags comfortably… in this:

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This revolutionary new item will hold up to 10 sandwich bags comfortably in a high-tech sandwich bag with new age zipper that changes color so you know it’s locked tight and your other sandwich bags aren’t going anywhere. I make all of these items personally, so you know you’re only getting the finest in craftsmanship. This item retails for $100, but if you act now, I’ll knock off $5.

Finally, let’s say you’re giving out the 2006 remake of The Poseidon Adventure, Starring Kurt Russell (a hot item this year). Keep your new treasure safe in my new DVD holder! This soft, 100% real flour tortilla will keep your copy of The Poseiden Adventure covered in a soft, 100% real flour tortilla for three days before it fully hardens.

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*Note: Will only work on a DVD copy of  Poseidon (2006). Not Blu-Ray and not any other movie. Awesome, framed photo of Kurt Russell NOT included.

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These one of a kind Poseiden Adventure DVD protectors are selling for only $49 a piece.

If you’d like to purchase any of these amazing items, please contact me on my Facebook page! Hurry, before they sell out!

Thanksgiving Side Dish Recipe

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I’m often asked, “Cory, you look like an excellent cook. Do you have any recipes to share?”

If by “often” you mean once and by “asked” you mean was screamed at by an angry Applebee’s cook, “You think you can do better, a-hole?” after I told my waiter my late-night happy hour appetizers tasted like an eight-year-old made it moments after completing a Double Dare challenged that involved farm animal waste and sauteed mushrooms, then yes. Happens all the time.

I’m just kidding. It was more like a four-year-old. And I hate mushrooms. So does Mark Summers. Probably.

But thankfully, I have a better recipe for you to bring to Thanksgiving this year. It’s simple. It’s only three ingredients. Takes just 20 minutes and feeds one. So maybe make a couple. Or just make one and tell everyone in the house as soon as you walk in, “These are mine. No one else touch them! Especially you Uncle Marvin. Especially you.”

So here it is. From my family to yours. This recipe has been handed down through the ages. My dad handed it down to me when he was 45-years-old and standing on a ladder I was holding. Now, at the age of 33, I virtually hand it to you. Enjoy! Let me know if you try it and how it works out!

Huntin’ Bears With Coffee With Cory

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Bears. Between attacks in Montana and California, and sightings along a popular hiking trail in Spokane, bears are in the news lately.

Earlier this summer, there was a gator on the loose in Spokane. People were frightened (probably). So I did what any morning show, coffee enthusiast would do: I went gator hunting.  In case you missed it:

But now, it’s bears that have the people of the Inland Northwest on edge. Now, you’re probably more likely to be attacked by Nicolas Cage in the woods than a bear, but who wants to take that chance? So I strapped on my flannel and outback hat one more time, grabbed my trusted bloodhound Georgia, and set out to find a bear.

A letter from “Not Travolta”

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UPDATE, 5/6/16 – Not Travolta wrote me back and simply said, “dear god.”

See why here:

16 months ago (Yes. 16 months. January 2015) I wrote an article about a dog that resembled Sir John Travolta (he’s been knighted, right?). Everyone wrote this article. I honestly saw the resemblance. 16 months later. May 5, 2016, I received either the dumbest or most genius email response to the article. I’m not sure which.

This person created an email account specifically to respond to this article. “thatdogdoesnotlookliketravolta@(insert domain here)” They were that passionate about it. They go by the name “Not Travolta.” Real or fake? We may never know.

They argued that I was spreading lies on the internet. They accused me of being misleading. Perhaps this person is real. Perhaps they are fake. Perhaps I’m getting my karma for all of those time I sent people fake emails from fake people. Either way. I had a good chuckle about it.

Here is their email to me followed by my response:

“Dear Mr. Howard,

I read your article and I found it horribly misleading. How dare you put lies on the internet. That dog looks absolutely nothing like John Travolta. There is absolutely no resemblance whatsoever. Enclosed I have sent several pictures of dogs that actually look like humans, so that you will have some reference before you consider publishing another ill though-out article.

I understand that it is your opinion, but you are wrong.

Sincerely, 

Not John Travolta”

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MY RESPONSE:

“Dear Not Travolta,

First of all, how absolutely coincidental that your name is Not Travolta! That’s cool! Who better of an authority to decide what does and doesn’t look like John Travolta than “Not Travolta”!

The last thing I want to do is spread scandalous lies across the internet, especially when it comes to such important matters as a mutt looking like Tony Manero. To be clear, and in hindsight I should’ve specified, but I believe the dog looks like Travolta only in certain movies. “Swordfish”, “Hairspray” and of course “Look Who’s Talking Too” (John was too skinny in “Look Who’s Talking” part 1 to be considered).

I am honored that you’ve taken the time to create an gmail account specifically and solely for the purpose of addressing this issue. But perhaps I am giving myself too much credit. Perhaps you use thatdogdoesnotlookliketravolta@gmail.com to send out kind clarification emails like the one I received to everyone who expresses their opinion on the resemblance between the star of “Look Who’s Talking Too” and pit bull mixes. Either way, again, I am humbled to be in the presence of your expertise.

I also appreciate you sending me examples of people you do think look like dogs. However, after careful review of your submissions, understanding completely that they are your opinions, I have unfortunately come to the conclusion that you are wrong as well.

1.) In you first example, the dog doesn’t even have a head of hair! It’s also missing Peyton’s trademark helmet head red spot. Plus Peyton probably weighs (an estimated) 220 pounds more than that dog. Plus the dog isn’t even wearing a football uniform! Due to these facts, I’m afraid your opinion is wrong.

2.) Your second example (the brown dog with the “petfinder.com” watermark) doesn’t even have a human to compare it to. Is it supposed to be Peyton or Buscemi? Because it fails to meet any resemblance of both. If there was an opinion here, it also is wrong.

3.) Buscemi and the white dog. Where to start on this one? The dog’s brown ears and white center between them would indicate a horseshoe balding pattern on Mr. Buscemi if there was to be ANY resemblance considered. Also the brown around his mouth should be mirrored by a goatee on Steve. That also is not there. Lastly, the dog’s eyes are perfectly normal and do not bear any hint of resemblance to Steve Buscemi’s trademark eyes. Again, I’m sorry but your opinion is wrong.

4.) Finally, Cher. I will give you the hair. The hair appears to be spot on. But that is where the resemblance train stops, and then ultimately derails. The dog is smiling, while Cher is giving her patented “I’m Cher and don’t give a damn” mirk. Plus, I’ve seen Cher sing before and her bottom teeth look nothing like that canine’s lower (and presumably upper) incisors. But what ultimately destroys your argument is that I am certain that dog has never had any plastic surgery. That is definitely its original nose, whereas, we all know, that is probably Cher’s 4th or 5th nose. Again, your opinion, I’m sorry to say, is wrong.

Again, I thank you so much for reaching out and expressing your opinions, however wrong they may be. It means a lot to me. Good luck on all of your future human/dog lookalike endeavors.

Yours truly,

 

Cory Howard.”

Whoever “Not Travolta” is, thank you for the laugh. Intentional or not.