“Holy Guacamole, Batman!”
“Guac is $1.80 extra, Robin!”
A man in Ohio has set a new record by eating Chipotle for 426 days in a row.
His name?
Bruce Wayne.
First, let’s ignore the obvious question about eating Chipotle for more than a year straight. ChipotleAway, anyone?
Let’s also ignore the fact that there was an actual record to break in the first place. Somebody prior to Mr. Wayne set the record by eating at Chipotle for 425 days straight. What went down to see that streak come to an end? Perhaps, actual streaks. Again, ChipotleAway, anyone?
And let’s ignore the fact that the guy’s name is Bruce Wayne. I can’t say for certain he was born with that name, but if so, he’s certainly embraced it. Hell, maybe he is Bruce Wayne?
Remember at the end of The Dark Knight Rises, we see Bruce enjoying an espresso in some European cafe?
There’s been a lot of theories about the ending. Was it real? Was it a dream? I present the argument: Was that cafe actually a Chipotle? (No. It wasn’t.)
*Side Note: If it was real, which Christian Bale says it was, what an absolutely sleazeball move by Bruce Wayne! Alfred thinks his friend, someone he’s known since Wayne was literally a baby, is dead. Then in the healing process, Alfred decides to take some time to travel and enjoy retirement from spending 50 years of his life serving someone else.
Then out of the millions and millions of people living in Italy, while sitting sadly by himself, he sees his friend, the man he’s cried so many tears over 
just mere feet away from him, and Bruce simply gives him a little head nod like he’s reluctantly thanking some wasted divorcée who sent him a drink in a crowded Applebee’s?
“Just sitting here, lonely, in an Italian cafe by myself at a table for four with literally no one to talk to because I don’t speak Italian. Wait, is that… is that my best friend and master who I thought was dead, Bruce Wayne over there?”
“Oh hey guy who wiped my butt as a baby and spent the next 30+ years getting me anything I needed at any time of day, even on holidays and weekends, while also keeping my massive secret that I’m a part-time vigilante crime fighter who dresses up as a bat… what’s up?”
That’s it? No invite over to the table to meet his new cat girlfriend? No dramatic speed walk over to the table?
“Oh My God, Alfred! So good to see you! Sorry for making you think I was dead!” while sharing a manly embrace?
Major a-hole move, Bruce.
OK, all of that aside. Back to burritos.
Was Bruce so tired of being Batman that he faked his own death so he could live out the rest of his days eating burritos? Maybe. Christian Bale hasn’t returned my messages.
Let’s also ignore the fact that the Bruce Wayne in Tiffin, Ohio is living that reality. The guy likes burritos and has eaten at the chain for 430 days straight and counting. He even planned out days when they were closed by ordering ahead.
This guy documented all of this on Instagram as proof that he did it.
You know when your friends take pictures of their food and think that everyone needs to see it? This guy has done that 430 days in a row! And he’s got 1400+ people following him!
1400+ people who open their feeds every day and annoyingly say, “Oh, let’s see what Bruce posted… oh. Another burrito. Good for you, Bruce.”
But it’s not the streaks, it’s not the fact that there was a record to break in the first place, it’s not the fact that he shares his name with dudes who like snub their life-long friends who thought they were dead and defied all odds by running into them by chance out of billions of people living on the planet, and it’s not the fact that he posted a picture of every burrito he ate in the past 15 months.
So many burritos. PHOTO: Instagram/mrwaynethebat
Here’s what interests me.
Bruce went to Chipotle every day. Ordered a burrito. Let’s be kind and say he spent $10 every day. Bruce spent $4300 at Chipotle to break the record. I understand he might think he’s billionaire, but that money could’ve been spent somewhere else. That’s a 2003 Honda Accord! But he chose to spend it at Chipotle.
And Chipotle rewarded him generously. They gave Mr. Wayne a cape (yeah, a cape) and some cuff links.
“That’s it?” you might be thinking.
Well they also took that money he spent at their restaurant and decided not to buy a Honda Accord with it, but to donate it to a non-profit of Bruce’s choice. No word on which non-profit he chose, but may I suggest one that helps out retired butlers who wasted the best years of their lives catering to spoiled rich boys?
(Unrelated, but typing the word Guacamole made me think of it, check out my friend Bill’s blog, Guakward. Or don’t. I don’t care.)
Cory Howard 